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I Know I'm a Lesbian, but I still live as a Straight Woman. I can't accept being gay.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by closeted13, Feb 18, 2018.

  1. closeted13

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    Hi all,

    I am posting here yet again in an effort to get things off my chest and maybe receive some good advice. Well, I'm still the same. Once in a blue moon I realise just how gay I am, and then I keep coming back to this forum.

    I knew I was bisexual at around 15 years of age, though my attraction to women predates that.

    I live my life as a straight woman. I am successful in my field of work and studies, if a little lonely sometimes. But I love women.

    Anyone in the same situation? Young woman keeping up appearances, because it's easier that way?

    Living as a straight woman, yet knowing you are a lesbian?

    Choosing the straight life, because of identity issues?


    Don't you loathe yourself for denying yourself of yourself? ... if that makes sense.

    And tonight, I went out for drinks with three of my close female friends, all straight as an arrow (to the best of my knowledge). One of them, in particular, is very touchy-feely. She is not my preference of a woman; I usually like a different type of girl. But we had a very nice time in a bar, talking about guys we like, giggling as women do. It was really nice, but I know I am guilty of enjoying their company on a different plain. I love every touch she gave me.

    I'm absolutely ashamed to admit this, even to myself: We were posing for a selfie. She pouted her lips jokingly, then made a come-hither expression, pursing her lips. She pushed my head closer, into the picture (whilst touching my neck!). In the haze of it all, I somehow instinctively copied her pursed lips.

    And I went so close to her lips, before I realised how inappropriate that was. I was surprised at myself for having done this, because I am normally able to "stop myself" from such potentially revealing behaviours. And then I was somewhat angry at myself, for being so close to "exposure".

    But it became clear to me then that I deeply wanted to kiss her.

    And that my body was already pursuing her, before my mind could intervene.

    That's how incredibly closeted and repressed I am.


    Of course I immediately pulled back from her lips, and she hardly noticed. At worst, she thought it was an extravagant joke. She knows I've had two serious boyfriends. We talk about men ad nauseam, and I've never so little as hinted at any of my attractions towards women, so she really has no idea. Neither do the rest of my friends. No one knows. When I'm with her, I always stare at plenty of men, to the point where she thinks I am boy-crazy. I don't know whether that's out of perversion (remember, I'm somewhere between bisexual and gay) or out of a brilliant subconscious act of pretension. I suspect the latter, though I usually do not like to admit, except in exceptionally vulnerable moments such as these when I come to these forums, having been concretely reminded of my gayness. I must say I am quite astute in acting straight. It's become a comforting guise.

    I'm simply not ready to dive into any kind of self-identity revelation, although I am acutely aware that it must happen someday.

    Ugh, I wish my circumstances were more allowing of this kind of thing. But maybe it's all in my head. Yeah, a lot of it is in my head. I live in a very LGBTQ+ accepting country. My friends are pretty open to it, though I have no LGBTQ+ friends. None at all. That says a lot about the sort of straight lifestyle I've finely crafted for myself.

    I went through mental abuse as a child. Although I am doing well in life, have big ambitions and am ardently following my dreams, I am still struggling to cope with the trauma. It hugely impacts my identity and sense of self, thus, plausibly, my extreme avoidance of my already-established gayness.

    That's all. Just wanted to get things off my chest. I feel a bit better now. I'll leave my block of text here, then I can continue going about my day and my life, and mostly ignore these gay thoughts - until one day something triggers me to open up and be fearless. And I really hope that trigger will be a woman with whom I can fall madly in love, and whom I can offer the decency of sharing an openly gay life.

    I would be so happy to have only a fraction of the courage you all have, those who are living openly and beautifully.

    You're all beautiful, amazing people.

    Have a great day.

    x
     
    #1 closeted13, Feb 18, 2018
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2018
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  2. Cashew

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    Hi there!

    I'm really sorry to hear about your traumatic experiences growing up.

    I can identify with much of what you have written here. I even had the same situation with one of my friends who I secretly find very attractive - one time we were going to kiss each other on the cheek and I instinctively almost went straight for her lips, but then managed to stop myself, ha! I don't think she noticed but it was a wee bit awkward :slight_smile:. Her husband was also standing next to her !! I actually have a few friends that I have wanted to kiss, they are very close friends and I wont ever be able to tell them because they are straight. There is one girl I work with who l really fancy. We are very similar people and I think we would actually make a great couple but I think she is definitely also straight so there is not much point in going there I don't think...

    I suppressed my gay feelings for many years before I've started to come out to people. I thought for a while like you that I would just hopefully meet someone and then I would just go "hey, so I'm dating a woman now..."
    I've realised that this is probably going to take some time as Im finding the lesbian dating scene very difficult! I think I'll be waiting a long time before I actually find someone to go out with.

    For me I've just reached a point where I just really crave to be myself. To be true to myself and honest with myself and others. I'm kind of fed up 'lying' to people and always being extra careful about what you say or do in case anyone finds out. Not being able to express your true self to other people is pretty exhausting. I have struggled with anxiety most of my life and I think it is largely due to this. I hope in finally coming out to everyone I will be able to find a sense of peace and ease that I have never had in myself in my whole life.

    I don't think you should give yourself a hard time though about being 'in the closet'. I think it's a common misconception that we now live in a progressive/accepting society of homosexuality. Yes we now have laws in many countries (not including mine -N. Ireland) where homosexuals can get married. However, I'm sorry but my experience is that most straight people are homophobic, especially older generations. Young people at school still get bullied for being gay. So it's definitely not that easy coming out to people. Even the fact that we do still have to 'come out', highlights that we are not living in a fully progressive/ accepting society.
     
    #2 Cashew, Feb 19, 2018
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2018
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  3. Cashew

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    Also, I wanted to add, it also sounds like you have a lot of other things to deal with, so don't give yourself a hard time about not being ready to come out yet. You'll be ready when you're ready and you're the only person to judge when that is. Also if you don't ever want to come out, that's fine too, it's completely up to you. There is also absolutely no need to rush these things, just take your time and try not to be too hard on yourself in the process.

    All the best x
     
  4. skittlz

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    Hey there,

    I also can relate to a lot of what you said...I'm not exactly out, and am, in a way, more of a glass closet kind of person. There's just so many other things going on in my life right now.

    I'm currently trying to focus on healing my anxiety, working on school stuff, and reconnecting with friends that I've lost touch with. Also, going to GSA allowed me to make some new friends, and I hang out with them during lunch.

    I'm very single and not interested in talking about crushes with friends a lot, so sometimes coming out to others, especially acquaintances, does feel out of the blue to me. But being surrounded by couples in highschool does make me wonder if I'm missing out by not being very out at school. It kinda makes me feel like an amoeba. (I'm out to some acquaintances at school, and my mom) . Anyway, I'll eventually come out to more people when I feel like it. I more or less have decided that it isn't an official goal that I have, but rather something I'll do when it's more convenient.

    Just like Cashew said, don't feel like you need to come out, because it is still difficult. I was bullied a lot in elementary school for "looking gay", and I do get the occasional comments behind my back, even in high school. Your concerns are very understandable. That being said, I personally have found coming out as a usually nice experience...most of my straight friends usually react with an anticlimactic, "oh, ok" and my gay/bi friends were very supportive with a "welcome to the community" type of message. There were a couple of acquaintances that made jokes about me "being confused/greedy" after I came out, so I just cut contact with them, and it worked out ok. My mom sorta hopes that I'll end up straight, because she's afraid of possible discrimination that I'll face if I'm bi, but at least she's not angry/disappointed at me for being bi. I'm hoping it's a matter of time till my mom is comfortable with me being openly bi.

    If you are feeling stressed about anything, maybe try some deep breathing. Also, feel free to type on my wall :slight_smile:
     
    #4 skittlz, Feb 23, 2018
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2018
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  5. silverhalo

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    Hey I'm sorry you are struggling, I guess my main question is what is your biggest fear, what do you think it is stopping you from wanting to open up ana tell people that you are gay? Have you ever told anyone?
     
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  6. Earthfae

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    Hey. No judgement. I walked in your shoes for 39 years. Now I'm open and in my first lesbian relationship. I just wanted to share tho... IT FEELS AMAZING to be open and I honestly feel "free" now. When you're ready, when it's time for YOU, don't be scared. Be proud of who you are. It actually feels wonderful. Good luck!
     
  7. Silveroot

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    Hello there.

    I don't know if it's of any consolation but I'm also having a very hard time to live my gayness to the fullest. At least you know you're lesbian though. I can't say I'm certain about my identity. I could be bisexual.

    Hey, knowing who you are is no small thing, when you're ready you'll be able to be yourself too.
     
  8. Cashew

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    Hi Earthfae,
    I'm really interested to know, I'm on the cusp of coming out to my parents (which really means that I will be completely out, out), but I just can't quite bring myself out to do it. I'm 35, it has taken me a very long time to figure myself out & I feel so much shame about this. It is the one thing that is holding me back from telling my parents because I just think they will be like, 'why are you only figuring this out now' !!
    I really suffer from anxiety. I don't sleep well & I'm basically pretty lonely, and I just wonder, would I be more at peace if I finally told my parents?
    I was just wondering if you might share your experience coming out to people and how you found their reactions?
    At the moment I've just come out to a few friends & my sister. I've had mixed responses, mostly good, some annoying and a bit immature. I just wish I could be a strong person who doesn't care what other people think of me but I just can't seem to be that person.
     
  9. Love4Ever

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    Hi there. First of all, you sound really sad and I am so sorry for that. No one should have to feel ashamed to be themselves, and all this guilt you are dealing with sounds like it's taking a toll. I hope that you can make peace with who you are and who you love. I know so many people will try to make you think this is a terrible thing, but it's not, not at all, and you deserve to be happy with a person of your choice. If you ever need someone to talk to we are all here to support you. Message me if you need to!
     
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  10. Love4Ever

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    Just a little note of encouragement here. Those girls you like at work may not be straight after all. If you want to then I think you should give them a chance. I was in the position of one of those girls who was straight but now is not. And even when I thought I was straight I would have loved to been approached by a woman who was interested in me. I might have realized my attraction to women sooner. So basically, there are a lot of straight girls who aren't and a lot of girls who are straight until proven otherwise. So don't be afraid to give girls like that a chance. We exist. :slight_smile:
     
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  11. closeted13

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    wee

    Well said, Love4Ever!!!
     
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  12. silverhalo

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    Hey firstly I just wanted to say you are a strong person. Everyone deals with things in their own way on their own journey. I found my parents really difficult to tell even though I knew they would be supportive and accepting, I felt as though I was letting them down but really that's my own inner demons talking.
    What is it about telling your parents that most scares you?