Heyy, I feel so bad right now I decided to make a thread. Before I come to the point here's some quick background information: I've been straight all my life, and had a girlfriend I really loved. Three months ago all of a sudden my best (gay) friend - and roommate - kissed me, which at first got me quite mad, but later started confusing me. I started feeling more and more attracted to him, completely against my will. Then last month he told me he's in love with me, which confused me even more and started really messing with my head. (Oh and last but not least, I lost my girlfriend because of this as well, although that was probably for the best) It's all in another thread of mine "Freaked out :s", though I wouldn't recommend reading it, it's grown quite long. So 0ver the past month I've been constantly struggling in my head with my feelings. I know I definitely don't wanna be attracted to a guy, and the idea that I'm not straight and that I might be gay is just awful, and has given me some quite scary anxiety attacks. I just know sooo sure that I really don't wanna be gay. But when I'm close to him, which is a lot, I just feel so drawn to him. At first I didn't wanna admit it, but I can't deny it, I'm attracted to him a lot. I get all nervous and sweaty when I'm around him and get the feeling that I can't hold it in. The tension is just indebiable and it's making me uncomfortable. I don't wanna feel this way for a guy, but it's such a strong feeling. Last Tuesday (so a week ago) I decided I could no longer hold it in, and I just had to try what it would feel like to kiss him (since he already knew I was having some doubts, because of some stuff he'd seen on my laptop and had confronted me with, I figured that didn't matter). So I just kissed him. I'm not gonna go into detail about the kiss, but in short... it scared me but I liked it at the same time. The night after that kiss I cried the entire night, and I've been feeling 'stuck' ever since. I just don't know what to do anymore I know for so sure that I don't wanna be with a guy. I don't wanna kiss one, I don't wanna be attracted to one. But then when I think about him or the kiss, I feel like that's what I do want. Whenever we're close together, I have to try SO hard to stay were I am and not... I don't even know what I'd want to do. I just feel a huge sexual attraction (I can't deny it anymore) And I don't feel anything for girls anymore... not anything!!!! But I was straight... And now it just doesn't do a thing for me anymore. It doesn't make any sense :s I just don't want this I want it to stop. I want everything to go back to the way it was. I hate what's happening to me, I hate that I don't like girls anymore, I hate that I think about my friend the way I do. I don't want it :tears::tears::tears: But I know it's there, and I can't change it. :tears: I just wish I could allow myself to feel whatever I feel, but I don't find a way to do that :tears:, cause it just feels wrong whenever I think about it, even though I don't want it to. At first I could just try not to think about it, but it is has grown too heavy now. I can't keep fighting anymore, because it is killing me. I'm not even fighting the fact that I like him anymore, that's useless. I've given up on that one. I guess I'm fighting letting those feelings go wherever they want. And I can't stop doing that :s I just don't know what to do. :tears: Not sure if I'm even looking for advice, I just needed to speak my mind, because I feel like I'm holding in so much of myself already. I really do appreciate it if you made it to the end of this post, by the way.