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I just need a hug and to be told I’ll make it

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by hopefulhoundess, Jun 20, 2022.

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  1. hopefulhoundess

    hopefulhoundess
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2022
    Messages:
    5
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    Location:
    Boston
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I so desperately want this. I’m really struggling with another episode of anxiety and depression since I realized/decided being queer is a big deal to me. Before, I was just living my life doing the work to figure stuff out, and in the last month started going on dates with women (I’m cis female). Then as I wrote about on my welcome/introduction post, I had a massive panic episode after going to my first queer meetup last Monday evening. The meetup itself was fine; it just triggered a moment of “oh fuck, I don’t want to be queer.” Mostly I didn’t want this life because I’ve worked so hard to rebuild an identity that’s mine, outside of my previous (codependent) marriage. I thought I was building on solid ground, but now there’s coming to terms with my sexual identity.

    I met with my sex therapist and queer-centric psych nurse today. My psych nurse was really compassionate and empathetic. He helped because he said sometimes having everyone around you accept you and your sexuality is unhelpful if it means they are invalidating the fact it’s still a big deal to the person (me).

    I actually came out to my mom today officially (my sister and close friends know but I’m not a screamer about it—I am also still questioning exactly where I fit). I texted my mom to tell her. I wanted to be honest about struggling with my mental health, but last week I couldn’t because I didn’t have it in me to explain why. I guess it just felt like it was time today. Anyways, she was very supportive as I expected. This should be a relief to me, right?

    I’ve been extremely anxious all day. Off and on suicidal thoughts for the last week. Increased one of my meds today per psych nurse because I’m pretty dysregulated.

    Honestly, I don’t even know why I’m posting. I guess like my title, I just want someone to tell me whether I believe it or not that I can get through this identity journey alive and maybe even better or at least happy on the other side.

    Right now I just feel like panicking and dissociating to escape the panic. To escape myself. But I know avoidance just makes me a ticking time bomb.
     
    #1 hopefulhoundess, Jun 20, 2022
  2. Really

    Really
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2014
    Messages:
    2,579
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    Location:
    BC
    YOU WILL ABSOLUTELY MAKE IT.
    {{squeezy hug}}

    It sounds like you’ve got a lot going on in your head but also, fantastically, actual real life supportive people in your life. That’s huge!

    Take a breath and give yourself a little grace. Allow your meds to do what they’re supposed to do and just keep reminding yourself how awesomely brave you’ve been to get to this point. You’ve come out to some important people and that’s massive.
    You WILL make it.

    How about jotting down a little daily achievement to have a record of your forward movement? Here or privately. There’s always someone here to lend some support along the way. :}

    And welcome to EC. :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Really, Jun 20, 2022
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