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I just dont know

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by jessie19, Sep 29, 2020.

  1. jessie19

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    So a little bit of a back story, I've pretty much had a normal life but here around 13 I developed a massive obsession with girls clothes ( I am born male ), specifically dresses, which over time started changing to me feeling like i was not right, so at a young age i researched and fantasised about having the funds to have my gender changed, this went away for a few years until i was about 18, at this point it started again and the more i researched it the more i wanted it, i am now 27 and engaged to a fiance which i love but still now i would give anything to go through the transition into becoming more like what i feel.

    The only thing that worries me is that i dont think i would be able to keep my job if i do change, which is a big thing as i am fairly high ranked in my IT Field ,
     
  2. jessie19

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    after a small chat with my HR, it seems that they have issues with anything related to LBGTQ+, so I dont know how to speak to them about my transition
     
  3. QuietPeace

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    Don't talk to them about it anymore.

    As I see it there are two ways that you can go.

    Find a job someplace that is LGBT+ supportive and then come out there. or

    Start your transition behind the scenes. Then once you reach the point where you are living a double life you can start looking for a job in female mode. You are going to need to research things like name change etc, what gets save and what disappears. It would be far easier if you can find a place that at least accepts somewhat. Once you change your name you lose your job history and everything else, unless you let the new job know your history. I doubt that you want to go back to a first year position and explaining how you have no job history but the knowledge that you do is pretty difficult.
     
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  4. jessie19

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    Well i still have 2 years left on my contract, which does make it slightly more difficult to just leave

    I might actually start with this, as from what i have researched, it can take a bit of time for any noticeable change to acure , which does give me a bit of time to sort our the legal side of it

    See and there it the thing, i have almost 15 years experience that will be hard to explain, i have no issue being open about who i am but when it comes to IT, its a mans field and there is a massive sexist stigma around girls who know there stuff
     
  5. QuietPeace

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    You could start the process behind the scenes and if you are prepared before the end of your contract just come out to them. If they are as anti-LGBT as you seem to imply they will probably terminate your contract. Not sure what that would do with your way of relating to other employers though. I have been out of IT longer than you have been in it.

    Then it pretty much necessitates finding an accepting employer, then you can bring your history with you and still be accepted as your true self. This might require emigrating, though where I do not know - I certainly do not recommend the USA.

    The whole "it is a mans field" sickens me. Did you know that the first programmer was a woman and that it was entirely a woman's field until the 1960s? Once it started being a higher paying field men took it over and shoved women aside. (pretty much the story of all jobs and why I am a feminist)
     
    #5 QuietPeace, Oct 1, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2020
  6. jessie19

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    well the only benefit is it is a law firm and should they do so they know the legal side will come back to bite them, but i might just go through with what i want and should it be an issue, make it their issue and not mine.

    that is also a definite possibility and something i will definitely look into, thank you for your views i really do appreciate being able to discuss this with someone who wont just wish me dead

    i know and its systematically becoming worse which is just causing more issues, one of the reasons i am an equal rights activist.
    ( side note, i used to be anti-feminism, but the more i accepted myself the more i realised its not because of what it stands for but more because i was scared of who would find out about who i feel i am )
     
  7. Mihael

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    Oh come on. I work as a female in the IT. No problem with that. Nobody cares. I would be more concerned about the HR being iffy about the LGBT. But there are LGBT friendly workplaces and you’d rather stay away fron those that aren’t because they will slowly poison you. Same with work history - if a place is accepting of LGBT, they will make no problem out of it.
     
  8. jessie19

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    See the issue is with the country i live in, the current work force in IT is 1000:1, i am not saying everywhere is the same, its just based on what is going on here.

    Thank you, i am staring to see this more and more as time goes on
     
  9. Mihael

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    Where I live 5% of people in IT are female. This isn’t good either, you rarely see the women. Apart from some people being surprised, it isn’t a problem. It’s not... bad. The men sometimes behave like there were no women around (some sexist talk, but tbh women do the same when there are no men around, maybe just more politely, guys also seem to enjoy being unbelieveably rude when nobody who would feel potentially feel concerned with it is watching - I personally don’t mind but I imagine it might be disturbing to some people), but that’s all. I mean, obviously, it also depends on who your coworkers are. Some will be chauvinists, yes, but it’s isn’t a rule at all and it isn’t difficult to find ones that aren’t.

    Besides, happy to see another female presenting person in this field, there definitely should be more of us. :slight_smile:

    Inclusive workplaces are lovely :slight_smile: It’s such a good experience. I wish you can find one where you will feel not only tolerated but also accepted and appreciated, this is what it is like :slight_smile:
     
  10. QuietPeace

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    Wait, if you have protections there and think that you can win? Come out. Get fired. Sue their transphobic asses off and never have to work again! (I doubt that it would work but it makes a great fantasy doesn't it)
     
  11. jessie19

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    Isnt that the dream, haha, trust me i would if i could,

    You have no idea how amazing that one sentence just made me feel, other than here, no one knows and just one word just made my day :blush::kiss:

    This is the goal, even if it means moving to a different part of the country or world, its something i want and will work towards.
     
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  12. SilentM

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    I know a great guy who is openly T and works in IT it can be done.
     
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  13. jessie19

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    Well im looking into new jobs now, trying to find one is a bit difficult at the moment
     
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  14. SilentM

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    Tell me about it :slight_smile:

    World could use a platform where people constantly share and update info on working conditions and corporate culture in their workplace.
     
  15. jessie19

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    I agree, its not something thats easy, where actually it should be
     
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  16. jessie19

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    So I came out to my fiancé and she is flipping, finding anything to justify that I'm not, and says I have to decide if I want to be a girl then I must take my stuff and leave because she doesn't want this to destroy her in the future
     
  17. QuietPeace

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    I am sorry that she reacted that way, though I do not find it entirely surprising. Will it be difficult for you to find a place of your own?
     
  18. Jakebusman

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    Sorry she acted that way
     
    #18 Jakebusman, Oct 10, 2020
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  19. MarkinThai

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    Wait. Not knowing where the OP is (maybe I missed it)...if they're in the US or Canada or similar - isn't all this ultimately moot due to there being pretty decent (if imperfect) anti-discrimination laws? Apologies if I've lost the thread and not noticed crucial info. Anyway, if the OP is really at the mercy of HR's unenlightened attitudes/perspectives, well....shit.
     
  20. MarkinThai

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    DOH. I've just seen the OP's location - South Africa. I don't know but I imagine legal protections aren't the greatest there?