i'm 16. most people my age are getting ready for the start of junior year. i havent gone to school since january. i've been struggling, to say the least. i get so anxious about even the littlest things. getting out of bed, eating, pretending to be a "normal" human is a struggle every day. i've withdrawn from the people i once called my friends. the only people i see regularly are my close family, and even then i never feel quite right, never safe, never secure. but worse of all is myself. it feels like i'm always fighting a battle against myself and always losing. my brain never stops. i want it to stop. and i try. i try to walk my dog everyday. i try to do my chores and eat and sleep and go to the doctor and therapy. but i'm so tired of trying. its too much. add on top of that: confusion about my gender, my sexuality, myself. not being able to trust anyone enough to talk to them. i'm so confused and overwhelmed and so, so tired. and scared. scared of the future. scared of school. people. myself. sometimes i wish i didnt exist. i haven't ever cut lines into myself or tried to kill myself. thats not an option for me. one, i'm a pussy and scared of pain. two, i don't want my family to suffer because i couldn't stand it. its not fair that they go through all that because of me. but still. things are so far from ok. sometimes i stay in bed all day wishing i could give my life to someone that deserves it. sometimes i pinch myself all over my arms and legs and watch the marks fade, wondering what it would be like to cut into my skin and see the blood. i know i won't. but i still wonder. sometimes theres too much going on in my head i feel like screaming. so i do. it doesn't help. i've tried talking to my parents, my therapist, my doctor. it never comes out right, if at all. i dont trust them. i dont have the right words. i. just. cant. ive taken the medicines i've been perscribed, dealt with the headaches. ive tried calling suicide hotlines but talking on the phone has never been an easy thing for me. its funny how lonely and desperate for human connection i am considering how terrified i am of people and how much i do to hide from the world. i feel like i'm coming apart at the seams, drowning in my own body, choking on my tongue. and no one can see. 'it gets better' i tell myself. 'hold on' i say. how much longer can i hold on? how much longer can i lie to myself? and so i lay in bed all day reading dumb gay fanfic and watching porn and trying so hard not to think. i hate seeing my face, but even more then that i hate whats inside. i hate knowing that i'm the one inside this body. i don't belong here. in this body. in this teenage girl's room, in a quiet suburban neighborhood. in this world. i dont know what to do anymore. i've been backed into a corner and theres no where left to turn no where to go. theres so much to deal with to think about. i'm just a baby i don't want to do it anymore. i don't even remember what it was like before all this. i can't remember anything. all i know now is this corner. no where to go. please help me
something.. bad happened. so its noon right now. today my family had a brunch. we had pancakes. i was doing ok. i wanted to go to the dog park, so i told my mom. things were ok. when i was done eating i washed my dishes and came to my room and got back in bed bc i was a still a bit tired. my mom came and told me i had to do the dishes (i do the dishes on the odd days and my brother does the even). since today is the first and yesterday was the 31st, i felt kind of lazy and tired. i didn't really want to do it. so i lay down on the floor of the hallway (i lay down on the floor a lot especially when i don't want to do something). my dad comes and tells me to "use my intelligent brain" and "don't listen to my emotional brain", blah blah blah. stuff he says often, to try to help me but just makes me feel Not Good. i just lay there and try really hard not to exist. if i close my eyes maybe he'll just go away right? again, something that i do often. he goes away and i go wash some of the dishes. by now i am no longer ok. i'm verging on Bad. i go back to my room. straight back into bed. where i cry for a bit. having wonderful thoughts such as the ever delightful "not good enough". eventually i get my phone and start playing games, not feeling a lot better but at least i can keep the thoughts mostly away right? playing dumb games on my phone in bed pretending everything is Fine. so my mom pops into my room saying we're leaving in 10 min. suddenly the thoughts come rushing back. its like the illusion is broken. i'm frozen under my blankets, can't speak, thoughts going too too fast in my head. i can't answer. i just press my face into my blankets hoping she goes away soon. she does not. she keeps talking. stuff about you just need to get outside and move, everyone in this house loves and accepts you (which no, i dont so not everyone does). things that are nice and i know she means well but are not welcome when i am trying not to die at the moment. that sounds really dramatic but i am really Not Good and my thoughts are overflowing and doing Bad Things and i just want it to stop i need to be alone i dont want to hear anymore mom please go away. but i can't say anything. i just try my best to shove my face into the blanket and breathe so loud i can't hear her anymore because i just want it to all stop. and then she says "just snap out of it" which hurts so bad. if i could i would. i wish i could. its really not that easy. nothing is ever easy or simple with me. she left eventually and now i'm pretending things are Fine even though they are still Not Good but at least i can move again and stuff right? but every so often she'll stick her head in and tell me something and suddenly i'm frozen again but at least its not for long until shes gone again. sorry i know no one cares but i really needed to get it out and down somewhere and typing is faster then writing and ok i'm rambling sorry bye
Wow, a lot of this rang true to me, especially the parts about not wanting to hurt your family or not being able to talk to people. I do suffer from depression and anxiety but not as bad as yours. You seem to have more anxiety compared to depression where I am vice versa. First of all, I would suggest taking everything one day at a time. Set a goal for every day. One day might be just get out of bed. Maybe you can walk around your room. Another may be eat a small meal. Start small. I know that for me, knowing that I’ve accomplished something makes me feel good about myself. Second, I struggle with talking to people as well. It doesn’t matter if they’re a therapist or a friend. As long as I’ve met them in person, I can’t open up to them. Something I’ve been working on and I feel might help you as well is deciding what I might say to various people. Start off with thinking about what you might say to them when opening up to them. Then maybe write a letter in your head to them. Finally, write out the letter to them. You don’t necessarily have to send it. Sometimes it’s feels better to get your feelings out on paper. Third of all, when it comes to figuring out your gender and sexuality, you most definitely have come to the right place. EC has helped me in so many ways. It has helped me figure out that I was pansexual, it also helped me deal with my anxiety and depression. Feel free to message me any time. I’m here if you ever want to talk or even just vent. You have a whole supportive community here to help you. Fourth, It sounds to me like you were having an anxiety attack when your mom was in your room. Do you have any ways to cope when you feel like this? I usually try to count down from 50 breathing in and out on each number. Maybe you can look up other ways to cope and figure out what’s best for you. Finally , I know how bad it feels if no one answers your post and I want you know that while people may not respond right away, it doesn’t mean they don’t care, they may just not feel qualified to best help you. I’m really sorry you are going through crappy stuff like this and I know how alone you may feel but I promise you that you are not alone. You will get through this. Honestly, feel free to message me anytime. I hope this helps. xx
@illbehere thank you for your reply! it helped a lot i'll try my best and good luck with ur depression and anxiety too, if you need any help i'd be happy to try to help and return the favor
