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I have no idea what I should be doing

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Mihael, Dec 27, 2017.

  1. Mihael

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    I have no idea what I should be doing. I feel like I want to express somehow that I am a boy? The problem is, I can't really pin this feeling down. There is nothing like a partial transition for FtM, is there? Then I would do it and say that I'm not a girl now. I transitioned, I'm not a girl. Just that. If anyone would believe me, or "buy it", I don't care. Why can't I just say it? But you either take T or you don't. And I feel like T isn't for me. And I can't have my own transition. I'm actually quite happy and well adjusted as a somewhat tomboyish girl, I wouldn't be happy being a guy, I have the gut feeling. If I was born with a penis, that would be a different story, but right now it would be a too large change. I have transgender feelings, I want to express them. But I have no idea what I should be doing, I already wear men's clothes and I'm rather out of the closet, I don't care for pronouns this much and I like my assigned name (like... it's my name), my mannerisms and the such are rather naturally masculine... Meh. I feel bad, but I don't know what I should be doing, how I should be fixing this. Lack of any detail doesn't help. Help?
     
  2. Mihael

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    I would want to transition the social way, but I don't know how to do that. I'm not that stubborn, I feel male, but... I'm aware it's just a feeling. I don't want to use the bathrooms and changing rooms for men, that would make me feel uncomfortable. I like my given name. I have no idea what to do. My classmates think trans people are nuts to think they are the opposite sex...
     
  3. Sebby45

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    Sounds to me like you have two inner conflicts going. The first is that you feel like a boy and want to express that, and two you feel adjusted as who you are already and are not looking for usual trans "privileges" like bathrooms, pronouns, etc. So what do you do when you feel like you are partially a guy, but happy enough as a "tomboyish girl?" This requires more thinking on your part. Is being a tomboyish girl all that bad? You can be as masculine as you like, there is no limit. Or is the fact that it is still a female identity bother you? It is difficult to transition socially when you still are a "girl" for all purposes, and don't want to change your name. Not to negate your feelings, but is this what you truly want?

    I know there are some genderqueer people who use T for a limited amount of time to lower their voices, so they pass as male better (or however they identify.) However, I understand and respect your desire not to use T.

    This really is a conundrum. I'm sorry I can't give any solid advice to you other than, when in doubt: wait. And I apologize if any of this rubs the wrong way. It wasn't my intention.
     
  4. Mihael

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    I’m not partially a guy. I am a guy.
    Why on Earth would I want not to transition if this is what I want? It’s just that I don’t know how to do it. Nothing works. Why doesn’t anybody ever encourage me? I don’t even care if I succeed in any meansure or not :frowning2: why does it have to be so serious? That big of a deal? Why is everybody so much „so don’t do it” and „but you’re a girl”? I hate it. :frowning2:
     
  5. Crisalide

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    And this sounds binary. Sorry, but it sounds binary.

    The point is, I'm not understanding what you want. You want to transition socially but you've already transitioned socially.
     
  6. Mihael

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    I don’t get myself either. It doesn’t seem to me that I transitioned, though... I reached the tomboy state.

    I’m having a downer now.
     
  7. Mihael

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    I am a failure of a trans person.

    I feel like all this time I'm waiting for someone to tell me "yes you are aboy" and push me. Because I just can't convince myself. Because it's not "how things are" and it doesn't result at all from how I relate to my gender expression which I just don't have anything bad to say about.
     
    #7 Mihael, Dec 27, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2017
  8. Sebby45

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    You are not a failure of a trans person. If you are a boy, you are a boy. How you express yourself is what makes you unique. Being trans is a journey that can take years, but you will get to the right space eventually. I'll try to support you any way I can. :slight_smile:
     
    #8 Sebby45, Dec 27, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2017
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  9. Eveline

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    Michael, I understand how hard it is and how frustrating it can be. On the one side you don't want to be forced to change your body and upheavel your life for the sake of others approval. On the other, deep down, you do want to because you want them to look at you and see who you truly are. I don't think there is a middle ground. I can act as feminine as I like but I will always be seen as the mask and not as the person I an inside, telling others to treat me differently is just adfing another mask to my life because they will have to put on a mask to do so. There is no doubt that they see me as the person that I see in the mirror.

    I chose to let go and just live on. I dedicated my life to my family and to studying and becoming a better person. Yet from time to time I still feel as lost and frustrated as I felt years ago. I come here and the world for just a moment feels right but it is only a moment and soon enough I'm back behind the mask.

    You don't need people here to tell you that you are a boy because you are already a man, in the same way that I am a woman. It's time you accepted that this is about the choices you've made. The only person stopping you from fully transitioning is you as is the case with me. We both have our reasons and it us our right to do so and our choice. If you feel that you can't be at peace in this state of being, maybe it is time for you to take a different road... it will still be your choice and you will be responsible for where you find yourself as a result of that choice. :heart:
     
  10. Mihael

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    Alright. I'm feeling a bit better now. So I'll reply.

    1. This is not true that people don't see souls and other abstract things. Some don't. This is true. But not all. Those who don't see the world of concepts - I don't even like them as people, because they don't even friggin see what they are doing in the bigger picture. My views on gender are a result of who I am as a person. And there are others like me out there. All around me. Us. I only realised it recently. You just have to look the right way.

    Also, I no longer have this problem of being seen differently than I am. I solved it :slight_smile: I came out to some friends, we worked it through together, I think I externally changed as well (in behaviour and the such) so that I'm ... completely coherent with myself, so that my persona is completely coherent with the inner self. That is indeed a huge relief. I'm also much bolder when it comes to pointing out stupid sexism :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: Or speaking up in general. I saw the difference, I point it out, I just say what I want.

    However, I'm still struggling with expressing myself, in a way. With some active part of it.

    2. I totally feel like full transition isn't for me. Really. It's not something I feel I want. I think that if I wanted it, I would know it inside. I don't feel it. It rubs wrong for whatever reason. Or "just because".

    I would be fine if I came across as a crossdresser or androgynous. Of course, if I did come across as such. I seem not to.

    Maybe it's just me needing time to know what *exactly* I want. Like, in detail. To build it piece by piece.

    You know what, I talked with yet another friend, and I realised that I myself have a problem with what I want to do. I go like... you're nuts, Michael. You're nuts. I in fact tried to come out at uni and stuff... I stumbled upon the argument that being trans is nuts... in a way... it speaks to me. I somehow feel like crossdressing is wrong. But I want to do it. It's controversial for me myself to not transition but just... do the social thing. It does seem kinda nuts. This is my own demon, of being over-rational. However... my conclusion is: who cares? Especially as... gender is unlike other social divisions. But you know... what would be wrong with a masculine woman picking out a male name? Wearing masculine clothes? Acting like a man? It's like... what is wrong with self-expression and... sexuality and related things? It's an expression of sexuality and framing it as "pretending" is framing it the wrong way. There is nothing wrong with that.

    So... maybe I want to go further. I'm being a guy for a couple of friends and ... genderqueer(?)... for everyone else. Maybe I want to be a guy for everyone else too, because once every couple of months is not enough.

    There are a lot of fears that come with it, however. Like the "am I crazy" and "I don't pass, at all". Shame.

    Hugs to all :slight_smile:
     
  11. Crisalide

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    What is nuts is... relative. For other past/present cultures is not nuts having your parents decide who to marry, or travelling years (by walk) to a place where a "saint" is buried (or probably a skull that is said to be of that saint but actually is from a random stolen corpse), or committing suicide because personal honor is ruined.
     
  12. Mihael

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    Yeah, exactly.
     
  13. Mihael

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    I think I'm conflicted about transitioning. I regret it so much that there is no middle ground.
    I'm also not sure if it is what I want. If it's not different things. Now that I think about it, it might not be it, I might want to "act like a guy" but I wish my brain was more specific with that. It's like a woman wants to "be a woman" - do her nails, dress in a beautiful dress and heels and have a strong boyfriend and kids. However, I'm not ure what I want, it's like a desire without an object to hold on to, I don't see anything I could want.
     
  14. Sebby45

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    Random question, but do you think any of this hesitation to transition could be due to the fact that you are bisexual? That maybe there is a lingering duality in how you see yourself? Maybe this is really off base, but it is just a thought. Seeing as you identify as male and not female.
     
  15. Mihael

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    Maybe. It came to my mind.

    But I wonder that if I like only women, would I want to transition, or would I rather stay a lesbian?
    I think that maybe I would not feel female in the least bit then and would rather transition, because I would have nothing to lose, only discomfort.
    But maybe I would feel more comfortable, because in the gay community, there is a larger diversity of gender roles, and I could be a drop dead gorgeous strong businesswoman and could feel fulfilled in relationships, with a cute femme by my side.

    If I was attracted to men only, then... transitioning to be a gay man seems strange to me. I mean, if you don't have a clear vision that you want your body to look like that of a male.( I don't) I also somewhat don't see myself as a gay man. I think I would still consider transitioning the social way, because I don't care for cisheteronormativity, I actually hate it. It's always the same story about a priness and her prince charming, and I'm no "princess", simply. I refuse to play this part. I am the knight here. No matter if I marry another knight or a princess. I don't really complain about the lack of interest on the part of men, and straight men like tomboys... of course not all, but it all comes down to personal preferences. I see no payoff. Paradoxically, transitioning in this case is "not cool enough", as a tomboy you need to be emotionally cool and "I don't care". You can't be vulnerable, it ruins everything. (tom)boys don't cry. This is on one hand, but on the other, I hate the heteronormative relationships and if someone is confused if I'm a girl or a guy, this is for my benefit. Not to speak of social benefits from not having to deal with expectations of femininity.

    Maybe I'm bothered that the masculine part is being swept under the carpet all this time, but the feminine part is somewhat important for me too, so I can't let it go completely?
     
    #15 Mihael, Dec 29, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2017
  16. Mihael

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    So... the incentives are balanced both ways. Probably, I would feel more comfortable with myself being a lesbian. I would hold on to this identity as well. But I'm bi, and to the effect of being straight. so I just feel uncomfortable in this role. I wish so hard to opt out. So freaking hard. I actually hate the fact that I fall for guys. I always wished I was gay... But I can't just say stop, even now that I know I'm bi, I can't put an end to it, even though I want to. I feel drawn to guys, even though I'd prefer a girlfriend. It doesn't make sense. I know. "Having a girlfriend" is more of a general concept and situation I would be comfortable with. It also doesn't help with finding a girl that I have extremely masculine interests / college major / hobby. But, in fact, I would be fine having a boyfriend, provided he didn't treat me like a "girl". I'm not. I don't like all the romantic things. I like it rough with guys. I like a dynamic in which I'm friends with a guy and then we fall for each other. He should not give me flowers, but a ticket to paintball. Something along those lines. This is sexy. And they keep on insisting on the flowers. F*ck! Just... why?
     
  17. Foxfeather

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    I think what you are feeling are social pressures.

    Take a minute to lie down, close your eyes, turn off the lights, and just breathe. Let the thoughts come and go and ask yourself, "How do I really feel about [name an issue]?", "Would I rather [option a or be]?", and "What if I [plan of action]? And how would that make me feel?"

    I'm a bit like you in the sense that I follow the gray road. I am absolutely transgender but because there is no procedure that could possibly get me close enough to being male (at a reasonable price tag without serious health issues) I am not going to undergo any surgeries or hormonal treatment. No way.

    I'm still pissed off at the world for making me female. I'm still pissed off at people and society for being so gender-divided that it really has no clue how to speak to respect trans people. That includes a lot of gay and lesbian friends I have who don't have any effing clue about how to talk to me or why what they say is offensive and uncomfortable.

    But it is what it is. And I'm not mad at myself. I'm not -really- mad about being born. And I'm not -really- mad at my friends and society. I'm annoyed but I don't feel like the world owes me anything, including the right to be seen as male. I am not -really- mad at the girls who turn me down, or the girls who ignore me, or the girls who can't see past my skin. It is what it is and I am what I am and my condition isn't -really- that bad.

    Other trans people get upset with me for expressing such sentiments but that doesn't matter. You should do your best to be the best you that you can be. Everything else will follow. You can't go wrong at being you.
     
    #17 Foxfeather, Jan 4, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2018
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  18. StormyVale

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    Emerry,
    Your posts remind me of a YouTube video I watched ... the person was also a trans man, but they decided not to pass in society... they didn't transition except they did come out socially as male... again it is an option to not pass in society and just come out socially to those close to you.
     
  19. StormyVale

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    Emerry, this is the link to the video I was referencing.
     
    #19 StormyVale, Jan 5, 2018
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  20. Mihael

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    Yeah, I know this video :slight_smile: That's someone like me :slight_smile: