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I have awful dysphoria but I don't know how I identify? Please tell me i'm not alone in this

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by annonnn, Dec 17, 2017.

  1. annonnn

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    USA, west coast
    Gender:
    Other
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    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
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    A few people
    This sucks.
    I have awful gender dysphoria. Can't let anyone touch me, prefer to wear a packer when I sleep because of how well I sleep (its like a major relief), I haven't taken my binder off in a month, cant watch any videos of myself because of how feminine I sound and look even though I wear all mens clothes.
    But then a lot of me just wants to be seen as attractive too and i'm scared i'll never get that.
    But, I used this app to see what I would look like as a guy and that didn't look right either. I mean I kinda felt like I saw myself but I want to be more in-between I think? So then what can be done about the dysphoria? And I know I cant make decisions about hormones and surgery based of an app.
    My therapist said she doesn't see me as any gender and that felt amazing. My god I felt like I could breathe.
    But then why do I have such bad dysphoria?
    I am tired of being in the closet but feel like its not safe to and stupid to come out before I can say who and what I am. Maybe i'm making this all up? But why would I put myself through such hell?
    The best way to say it is I think im trans but I don't know exactly what I identify as, anyone else get that?
    Im scared if I take T ill be ever heavier and uglier. But I don't know how to stand my body like this. I want a flat chest, broad shoulders, define muscles and jawline, angular features, and confidence in who I am. Im a very confident person, just very confused about who and what I am. Anyone get this?
     
  2. AlexJames

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Do you have accepting people around that might let you try out pronouns and names? Like tell them to call you by male pronouns for a bit to see then later by they/them/theirs to see how that feels. That's the best i can come up with. Cause as much as you sound like you could be nonbinary with your reaction to the therapist saying no gender, what you described at the bottom sounds like a guy to me. But like i know youtuber Alex Bertie, i heard his boyfriend is ftm transgender nonbinary...not sure, i only watch a little of Alex i've never watched his boyfriend. So i'm not even positive which he identifies as, just that he's some kind of trans. I think he has a channel, maybe watch some of his stuff?

    Another youtuber i watched once said that as much as it'd be great to just wake up as a man, he felt like it has to be slow and steady progress so you have time to adjust and get used to it. Maybe something like that is why you had that reaction? Idk something to think about. I still think that physically and socially trying things is the best way to see what you are comfortable with.