I have a question for all of you

For me I had MM experiences even in my youth and was always excited by them. I tried in great vain to live a purely hetro life even getting married and having kids. Those bisexual desires never went away, they abated from time to time but never completely disapated. It wasn't until about 5 or 6 years ago I finally came to terms with being bisexual that I found peace. I came out to my wife in a therapy session shortly afterwards. That didn't go well and remarkably we're still together. I'm not sure that will stay that way, but for now I'm a monogamous bisexual guy. Every time coming out day (Oct 11th) or Bisexual Pride day (Sept 23rd) come around I get a wild hair to tell people.... you know I'm bi right? But then the thought of losing my job or other things due to bigotry come to mind and I chicken out. At least I'm honest with myself and my wife and some close friends. Maybe someday I'll be brave enough.

Only you can search down deep in your heart and soul search your past to know whether you've been denying it or not. I can only tell you from experience that accepting myself silenced a multitude of personal demons that have tormented me since my youth. Hope that in some way helps.

 

I always knew deep down. Then when I got to college and I kissed a woman for the first time and it was like fireworks. But, still, little old me didn't fully acknowledge it. And now that I'm almost 40 (!!!) I am going back looking at all these REALLY obvious things. For example here are a couple of ridiculous things I've been thinking about recently:
1) in college I had a tiny crush on a guy that I was not even remotely attracted to. Why the hell did I have a crush on him? Just for the attention and challenge of it. So he was supposed to be really good at going down on women. Sure enough, we hooked up one night and I was like 'this is really happening!!' Then, nada. Didn't do a thing for me. He literally stopped. Looked at me and ask, 'is something wrong?' And you know what the first thought through my head was? I am fucking gay.
2) again in college, I remember hitting on this woman at party. I told her I thought she was cute, I liked kissing girls, did she like kissing girls. She was all cute and sad looking. And finally she said to me, look, I feel the same way as you, but I just found out I am pregnant. I thought to myself, are you fucking kidding me!?! Honestly, I know that sounds crass. I hope everything turned out well for her. Geez.
3) I was married to a man for 10 years. Sex was fun. I loved him. I still do. But something is off for me there???
4) I actually told me mom I liked women and that was about 5 or 6 years ago. She died 4 years ago. The fact I finally told her has given me such peace of mind. Unfortunately I didn't tell me husband. I know that was wrong.
5) I fell for a friend of mine about two years ago. 1 year ago we crossed the line physically. I have never been so turned on, so at ease in an intimate situation. It was beautiful. Pure magic. It opened up things about myself I knew but had never truly surfaced. I had been waiting My. Whole. Life.

And that was it! I simply could not deny it anymore. No going back!

 

I always thought I was straight until I was in my mid to late 20's, someone even asked me if I was gay when I was 20 but I said no and that wasn't because I was suppressing it that was because I honestly thought I was straight. I had never really been that interested in boys but had always put that down to being shy and anxious. I was watching a tv program with lesbian character and suddenly came to the realisation that I was enjoying it way more than the average straight girl. Queue confusion, embarresment and fear and I ended up at EC. Since figuring everything out and accepting it and coming out, I can look back now and see lots of clues which at the time didn't mean anything to me.

 

I found her on the internet when searching to get certain business done.
Saw her photo - long wavy hair, kinda looks like me.
When I saw her in real life - complete different, masculine look. I didnt know if she was the same person as photo at first.

We did the arrangement, then a few days later there were some paperwork related questions.

I got to be a bit picky and my Husb says: "here you go, she won't call you back".

His words brought shock down my spine and like a bolt of lightning, in a split second I felt so strong about her that I was terrified the whole world, including my Husb will "hear" my thoughts.

That was it. I have not succeeded in having her to be mine, and its been 2 years, but that feeling is still there.

Since then, I am not straight, probably for eternity.

BTW, never ever felt that way before.
So 40 was my turning point.

 

No problem, when I first joined EC I thought I was the only person who hadn't known when they were younger and I felt so alone, so I completely understand what it feels like to know there is someone else the same.

 

I was in the car with my husband and kids - mid to late 20's - and this woman was walking down the sidewalk. I was completely engrossed in her and it just "clicked" in my head. I even said out loud, I'm bisexual. He says, yeah, I've known that since high school.

And when I look back at my adolescence, I remember what could only be called crushes on girls. I remember in 7th grade a girl that I just really wanted to kiss. I was so freaking sheltered, I had no idea what bisexual was or that it was even a thing. I actually just thought it was completely normal for girls to want to kiss other girls and that it didn't mean anything. And of course that I would go on to have relationships with boys / men, because I was "straight".

I didn't come out to anyone other than my husband until two years ago when he came out as gay. I had no reason to - we were monogamous and we were a good fit, emotionally, for each other.

 

I always felt it but heavily suppressed it but I'd find myself imagining being with women, telling myself "I'm so gay", then saying NOPE, then forgetting about it. Until I fell in love with someone who seemed like she loved me back... and the prospect of dating her and being happy with her was what finally opened my eyes to the fact that I didn't have to hide it anymore. It didn't work out with her but it was the push I needed to be true to myself.

 

Falling in love with a woman for the first time at 40 and realising the greatest pleasure possible would be to be able to please her and see her turned on.
Fantasising about her with me as me in the fantasy - with her - a life first to be able to face picturing myself in a romantic and sexual scenario.
Leading on from that - suddenly - feeling at home with the words "make love to", which, deep down, I had secretly thought I never would - because I didn't think I was romantic enough...

Hating this new knowledge, but not being able to turn away from it because it made me feel whole, like the piece of me I never knew had been missing.

 

It all just kind of hit me one day when I allowed myself to really think about my life. I did a lot of goolging trying to make sense of what I was feeling and eventually found my way to EC a few months ago. I am still not entirely sure where I land in the grand scheme of things, but with time its all becoming a little bit clearer.

 

Looking back I see the signs and the fear denial stuffing the covers that I wasn't straight. But after my divorce I consciously decided to be open to whatever comes. Then one day I felt attracted to both a woman and a man at the same time. After some deep reflection I realized I am bi.

 

I'm not entirely gay, I started identifying as bi when I was 12 and even came out to a friend. I fell in love with a guy, forgot all about it and my friend had to remind me that I'd even told her that. It took me another 10 years, a little repression and denial until I figured that watching lesbian porn and liking boobs is pretty gay lol. I'm now 22 so I don't know if I'm considered "late in life" as I've always known I wasn't straight, I just kind of ignored the signs and acted like I was. The fact that I did feel attraction to men made it easier, sometimes I wish I never felt any attraction towards men at all and I could just live a happy lesbian life lol but life had other plans in mind it seems. It's weird how my 12 year old self was more open-minded and accepting of my sexuality than I am today, even if I've come really far in the acceptance process.

 

Here is something I wrote recently in a letter to someone, but it answers your question in DEPTH.

I am a 43 year old classical pianist living in Brooklyn, NY. Until this year, I lived a life of quiet desperation. I grew up in the NYC area in a Cuban family that had converted to Mormonism 5 years before my birth. I was raised in a very conservative climate where gender roles and sexuality were absolutely not up for debate or discussion. I always knew something was "off" with me. From a young age, I was in love with love... obsessed with romance in books, movies, and music. However, I never found boys or men in the least bit interesting. As a kid, it never ever occurred to me to wonder if I was gay, though. I just thought I was weird, or a "late bloomer", or picky, or something!

I had absolutely no success dating in high school or college. I threw myself into my music with total abandon as it was the only way I knew of to experience emotional fulfillment and release. At the age of 24, having had zero experience on the romantic front, I met the man who would become my first partner and eventually my husband. He was very mild mannered on the surface at first, but soon, he started exerting huge amounts of control over me... just as my family had. He controlled how I talked, how I walked, how I dressed, who my friends were, etc. Before too long, I lost myself completely and felt dependent on him to give my life structure. I had been so depressed, so lost, so lonely without him, and I convinced myself that following his lead was the path to happiness.

Over the years with my husband, I lost the desire to play and perform, but I established myself as a very successful piano teacher in Brooklyn. And five years ago, I gave birth to a beautiful boy whom I love without reservation. But, after my son's birth, my marriage disintegrated quickly into complete nothingness. My husband and I had an argument when I was pregnant over the fact that he was fed up with my lack of "femininity"... that he'd tried to get me to look and act like a woman should, and he was done. Imagine! When I was 7 months pregnant with his child! All because I hated wearing skirts and dresses and preferred jeans and t-shirts. Because I liked my hair short. Because I wasn't conforming to his fantasy. After that, he stopped touching me, looking at me, speaking to me. He stopped treating me as a human. I tolerated that life for five years because I couldn’t see anything beyond it. I threw myself into motherhood and tried to ignore the disaster that was my marriage.

This past February, though, I had a bit of a breakdown. One day, February 10th, it was like something snapped, and I suddenly couldn't take it anymore -- not for one more minute. I found myself alone in the apartment with my husband while our son was at school, and I couldn’t stand it. His presence made me feel physically ill. I walked out of the apartment with no plan. As I walked around the neighborhood, I just lost the capacity to tolerate life as I knew it. I completely broke down. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I walked through the streets for a while and eventually settled, broodingly, into a seat in a nearby coffee shop, and I started thinking... really thinking. I thought about my marriage, about my past, about what on earth could have caused me to accept the life I was living, about how I could allow someone to humiliate me and control me and treat me with contempt for almost two decades, about how I could make so many excuses for him right up until that day, about how I could have married and had a child with such a person! … I thought.

And then… as ridiculous as this may sound coming from a liberal, 43 year old woman in 2017, I allowed myself, for the first time, to seriously contemplate that maybe, just maybe, I might be... gay. I’m not sure what triggered the thought to rise up out of the fog of my anger and sadness that particular day. I have a vague memory that I made uncomfortable eye contact with a random woman in the shop. The thought -- the FEAR -- that I might be a lesbian had occurred to me at various times ever since I started college -- at moments when I noticed I had feelings or reactions that were hard to interpret any other way. But each time the thought came, I instantly brushed it off and came up with some very obtuse justification for what I had felt. It simply was not to be taken seriously. It was just too scary to face. The mental gymnastics I performed in order to avoid considering I was gay were impressive. How many times did I have the thought and violently, savagely push it back down into my subconscious mind? I don’t know. Ten times? A hundred times? Probably more. But that February day, the idea wouldn’t be suppressed -- wouldn't be ignored. I just couldn’t deny it to myself anymore. As I sat in the coffee shop and then walked around the neighborhood looking around at people, I had to accept it beyond any shadow of a doubt. I am attracted to women and always have been. I am not attracted to men at all and never have been. It explains everything that always troubled me about myself -- so many contradictions I could never wrap my head around. I just had to look at the issue from the right angle, without reproaching myself, and it all became so perfectly clear. Accepting this has been the strangest, most powerful, and in a way, the most joyful experience of my life.

Since then, I asked for a divorce, got separated, and came out as a lesbian to close family and friends. I feel like I am one hundred pounds lighter. I have gained a self-confidence and optimism that I never thought possible for me. After years of crippling anxiety, depression, and self-hatred, I know who I am, and I love myself! The divorce process is moving quickly and everything is getting arranged so I can have my child with me the majority of the time and support myself comfortably. I’ve started playing the piano again and am scheduling performances. All the mental blocks that were preventing me from expressing myself through music are gone! It’s a complete rebirth. I haven't started dating yet, but I actually find myself looking forward to it. Dating men always felt so wrong!