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I have a massive crush on her

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by poohbearxo, Feb 24, 2022.

  1. poohbearxo

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    Me and my LO are colleagues, we met at work, and both are lesbian and she is in a long distance relationship. We really bonded over our sexuality because the city we live in is very heteronormative so I think she really appreciates our friendship as we understand each other well.

    The issue is that I have a massive crush on
    her. She is being friendly, she is a genuinely kind person, one of the kindest people I’ve ever met, but my brain has a very difficult time knowing and recognising it’s just a friendship. For example, the other night I went round hers for a catch up and she made dinner for us, and because her house was very cold as it’s winter she decided we should sit in her room and chat. We literally laid next to each other under the duvet in her bed and spoke for 4.5 hours non stop about everything and anything. We have such deep conversations and I try so hard to not catch feelings but it’s difficult.

    It felt so intimate being in her bed with her. She said it was warmer in her bed (obviously, plus her room was freezing). Half of me thinks well why am I in her bed? She knows I’m a lesbian, she knows exactly who my type is (her), so why doesn’t she think it’s wrong? She sat there and told me all about her girlfriend and I felt uneasy. I was so jealous.

    She then proceeded to say how she loves having crushes, spoke about porn and sex only briefly, and when I said I should go home she basically said in a friendly why that I should stay. When we say bye it’s like we are lingering, I don’t know if it’s because we are both awkward people. She also said next time we should get a few alcoholic drinks in and smoke weed together.

    I know I shouldn’t have gone to see her because I knew my feelings would flair up. Half of me thinks that she’s just a nice friend and she’s being nice, she likes my friendship because we have so much in common, and she maybe isn’t thinking too much into us both in bed together like that. But at the same time, I would never lay in bed with a platonic friend for 4 hours because I’d feel so awkward.

    I feel so confused.
     
    #1 poohbearxo, Feb 24, 2022
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2022
  2. silverhalo

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    Hey I am sorry you are in such a difficult position. As you say it’s hard because you value her friendship but at the same time it is hard not to develop feelings. As much as we try it is not something we are completely in control of. She absolutely is most likely being friendly, I don’t think lying in the bed has to mean anything as such but at the same time I can totally see why it is in appropriate for you and difficult to deal with.
    The other side of the coin is that perhaps she is also developing feelings for you. I don’t want to push this point too much and give you false hope that there will ever be anything there but just that it is a possibility. She may be aware of those feelings or it may still be on a subconscious level but it is a possibility.
    Not sure I have any great advice apart from just to try and take it a step at a time and if you don’t feel comfortable doing something then you don’t have too.
    I assume she doesn’t know you have feelings but she is aware of your type and that she would fit that category.
     
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  3. BiGemini87

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    Hello, @poohbearxo. I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation. It's never easy when you catch feelings for someone, but it can be so much harder when you know they're in a relationship and inadvertently or not, they give you mixed signals.

    The bed thing is tricky, because to a lot of people, that would be a very obvious attempt at something more. However, there are plenty of people who engage in snuggling in bed together in a platonic sense too, so the fact that you're not sure what to make of it is understandable.

    What are her mannerisms outside of that situation? Is she naturally a touchy person, for example, and does this remain consistent even in public, at work, or in front of other people in general? Has she acted this way towards other colleagues, friends, etc? While each friendship and degree of closeness varies from person to person, it might give a clue as to whether she was being platonic or whether she's caught feelings for you too.

    If all else fails, you might have to talk to her about this. As long as she's in a relationship--even one that's long distance--getting pulled into anything else isn't something you want to deal with. Not that I'm suggesting you'd do anything with her, just that facing the possibility alone would be incredibly difficult and unfair all around; especially to you and her girlfriend.

    If you ever need to reach out, I or one of the other Advisors are always happy to listen.
     
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  4. poohbearxo

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    Thanks for the reply! She’s not really a touchy person. She does give me a hug after we meet sometimes but she’s definitely not like that with other people I’ve noticed. She’s a generally socially awkward person and so being touchy with friends isn’t something either of us do. She lived in one house and she had a few neighbours that went to the same workplace as us, and whenever I’d go home from her house and say bye she wouldn’t hug me, but I noticed once she moved and her house was a lot more secluded, that was when she started to hug me to say goodbye.

    She has other colleagues as friends, and one girl in particular who is married and straight, they meet up with but they tend to do activities as a group or see each other briefly and go again, they would never lay in bed together or anything of that sort. With her other friends who she is close with outside of work, she goes places with them like they see gigs together or get drinks as groups of people, whereas with me it’s always just us two, either in her living room on a sofa under a blanket with the lights off and a few candles lit, her making us food, or like the other day, laid next to each other in bed chatting for hours and hours. Her friendship with me is pretty separate to her other friends at work.

    She doesn’t seem very affectionate to her girlfriend either, for example they’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and they’ve only recently told each other they love each other, and when I asked her what she got her girlfriend for Valentine’s Day, she said she got a book and some socks (nothing romantic).

    She also brought up the conversation about crushes and she said that life is boring without having a crush (despite having a girlfriend), and she always likes mentioning other people she’s had sex with or crushes on in the past. Also, there was a colleague that about 3 weeks before her and her girlfriend were made official, she had sex with whilst drunk. I guess that’s a great example of what she’s like in some scenarios.

    I just feel so confused, and our conversations are so deep, the sort of topics you’d speak about if you were getting to know a potential partner as opposed to a friend. I just don’t know how to feel, and she knows I’m attracted to females, and as is she.
     
    #4 poohbearxo, Feb 28, 2022
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2022
  5. silverhalo

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    I guess the question is what would you like to happen from here?

    If she admitted she had a crush on you and she was no longer with her girlfriend is it something you would be interested in pursuing?

    I suppose the other question is the current arrangement obviously makes you feel awkward at times so would you like that to change?

    It sounds like potentially you are going to have a chat with her unless you are happy for things to stay the same. It’s just maybe about what you want to say.
     
  6. BiGemini87

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    From what you've said, it does seem to suggest that she has feelings for you. Perhaps it's something she's struggling with and is still trying to determine what she wants to do/how best to approach things.

    I think @silverhalo has brought forth some solid questions and points, too; what do you want from this situation? Do you feel able to communicate with this friend on the matter, or are you worried that any attempt to open dialogue might cause problems? Regardless, a conversation is likely inevitable if things are ever to change.

    I know it's probably nerve-wracking, and the choice is of course yours. But if you do talk to her, I hope it goes well and you both gain some clarity from this.
     
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  7. dirtyshirt84

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    I can totally understand why you would wonder if there was more to it and feel confused. She obviously feels very comfortable with you. I’ve been in a similarish situation and I would advise talking to her if you can, especially if you are interested in potentially something more with her. I would also caution not to let it go on too long if your feelings continue to develop as you could end up really hurt if she does want to stay with her gf and only sees you as a friend.

    I think for me at times I’ve found friendships with other bi/gay women more difficult to navigate sometimes as when I get close to them it’s hard to know where friendship becomes something more, emotionally at least. Especially when one of you is in a relationship. At least with straight friends you know there is nothing more to it.

    In any case, I hope the situation becomes clearer for you. Let us know how it goes!
     
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