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I Hate The Fact That Im Trans

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by ken867, Jul 11, 2018.

  1. ken867

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    I hate that I'm transgender. Why could I have just been born with a boys body? Sometimes I forget how much the world hates people like me until I go online. On every transgender-related video I've seen there's always a bunch of people who are saying that its wrong and that wee all going to hell and no one could ever possibly love someone like that. They also say that were not "real". I find myself on this forum often telling others over and over again that they are real and that there's nothing wrong with them, yet I cant do the same for myself. I've been suicidal since coming to terms with my gender identity. No woman will ever love me because I don't have the right "equipment" down below. No man will ever love me because I won't have the right equipment. As much as I'm against conversion therapy, I have to say that Its something I've thought about. I don't want anyone else to get hurt by it, but if it fixes me than maybe Ill be happier. every time I take a shower I burst into tears because My body does not match who I am. I want to die. I wish I could just not exist anymore. I'm seeing people but the last clinic I went to they misgendered me and used my dead name multiple times after being told I was transgender and identified as male. The only person who I'm able to have a real conversation with is my art teacher and I cant see him because of the fact that its summer time. As weird as it sounds I miss school. The school was my safe place and now I don't even have that. I made a promise to my art teacher that I would be here next year. I think right now that's the only thing keeping me here. That and my painting. What if there is something seriously wrong with me? What if I'm never content with my body? I don't want being trans to consume my life. but I know if I start hormones It will. I'm 14 years old I should be playing outside with my friends (not that I have any) not stressing about my body and the fact that no one will ever love me or want to have sex with me.
     
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  2. Johnnie2x4

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    Trust me, you are not the only teenager, trans or otherwise, who hates their bodies. I absolutely despised my body when I was your age, and that was at least a decade before I realized I was trans. As for what other people think, don't focus on them, because nine times out of ten, other people are wrong. Focus on what makes you happy. Focus on loving yourself, because when you love yourself, other people don't matter.
     
  3. ken867

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    Thank you for your kind reply but you cant love yourself if you hate yourself.
     
  4. Kodo

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    I relate a lot to what you've posted. And there are times when I look back and mourn losing my teen years and childhood. Since I was your age and even earlier, I dealt with crippling self hate and dysphoria. That culminated into years of self harm and almost an eating disorder. Those years I spent so much time alone and not doing what all the other kids did. School was my escape and I poured myself into studies, but it didn't take me completely away from my body. Every day I'd still have to see it, or feel it, and it brought me so many times to my knees sobbing because it felt like it'd never go away.

    I tried many times to force myself to be female and hope that the dysphoria would one day leave me. But it did not, and eventually I had to choose to transition despite it costing me my family and my whole former life, bad and good things included. So I get it. I know what it's like to be where you are because I dealt, and still deal, with those feelings all the time. But you have to choose to believe that there is hope.

    I know right now maybe all you have for yourself is hate. But try to find one thing that makes you proud of yourself, and start by doing that every day. Focus on what is in your power to do right now. It is overwhelming to try and focus on what may or may not happen years in the future - because believe me, no matter what is happening today, the future has a lot of surprises. Including beautiful, amazing moments waiting for you if you keep fighting. There will be a time when the dysphoria will be relieved, be that on its own or through transition. There will be a time when people see you for you. There will be a time when you come to love yourself for the person you are. There will be people who accept and love you.

    Those people who spew hatred - ignore them. They speak out of ignorance, or their own unresolved issues. What they say doesn't count because they don't know the fight you face. I know that right now it's really hard for you, and my heart goes out to you. I wish I could be there for you. The main advice I have for you is this - keep fighting. Because it can, and will, get better. Even if today is hell you have to believe that there is a tomorrow worth fighting for. Even if it's ten years away, it'll be worth all the pain to have that. It is possible. But until then you have to keep being strong.
     
    PatrickUK, ken867 and Johnnie2x4 like this.
  5. ken867

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    Thank you for your kind reply. It moved me deeply. I will try to keep fighting even though I often want to give up. I've been fighting my whole life why stop now>
     
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  6. PatrickUK

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    You say you hate the fact that you are trans, but I would kindly challenge what you are saying. I read your post very carefully and it seemed to me that what you really hate is all of the hostility, ignorance and prejudice, and that's quite distinct from who you are as a person. You believe that no woman or man will love you because you don't have the right equipment, but that's simply not true. It may be true of some women or men, but you would do well to avoid generalising. I suspect you are painting a dark picture about the potential for relationships because you have been beaten down by negativity.

    When we are on the receiving end of a lot of negativity it diminishes our confidence and self worth. Instead of confronting issues with determination, we find ourselves in an almost relentless battle to survive each day and it drains us and colours every aspect of our identity and personality, to the extent that we turn all of the hate from others against ourselves. It becomes quite toxic.

    The rational part of you will be only too aware that the internet is a haven for trolls and fuckwits who need to get a life. These sad and pathetic people (many of whom can't string a coherent sentence together) devote hours and hours to making other human beings miserable because their own lives are so devoid of happiness. And for every troll online, you'll find one who feeds on the same verbal bile offline. These people are not deserving of your attention. Instead of spending time stressing out over their deranged ideas about life and hell get back to your painting and give your art teacher something to be proud of when you return next year. Let the angst flow through your talent!

    I don't doubt that the dysphoria and feeling that you are in the wrong body is a hard reality, but what you see in the mirror is only part of who you are. The real you (and you are a real person) exists internally and externally.

    When life feels very dark it can be tempting to think "I want out of all of this shit", but suicide is a path with no return. One of the things you find hard about life is being misgendered, but for trans people who contemplate suicide there is a reality to face, and that's the simple truth that misgendering will follow you to the grave unless you transition and become the person you want to be. Would you wish to be memorialised forever as female? If I was trans that would be the bitterest pill to swallow.

    Dig in and lean on us for support. You say you have no friends, but I would suggest that you are among friends whenever you log in here and talk to us. Support and kindness is the very essence of friendship.
     
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  7. AshDee

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    Being trans does suck. I'll be the first to admit that. But there is also this incredible beauty in it. There is an entire community dedicated to learning, understanding, and helping each other with our gender journies. Being trans means that you learn to question things, gain empathy, and experience a duality in life. Your experience as a trans person has value. And yeah, that's not gonna minimize any of the pain you're going through, but trust me when I say that trying to convince yourself that you aren't trans isn't the way to make it better.

    Even cis people can't change their gender by trying! As Nature Made Him by John Colapinto is about a cis boy who was raised a girl because of his botched circumcision. Despite all efforts by his parents and doctors, David (the boy raised as a girl) still very much identified as a boy; no matter what his genitalia looked like, no matter what people told him.

    Coming to terms with yourself is really difficult so please give it time. I know you see a lot of people who are all like "OMG I LOVE being trans!!!" and they have so much pride and seem to lack insecurities. And sometimes it feels like that's the only way you can be trans. But I promise you it's not. You are allowed to be angry about your situation. You're allowed to hate it. But don't let this dismay define you.
     
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  8. Tessia

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    Trust me, not all women want the right equipment. Speaking because I’m a woman, we don’t look for equipment, we look for smiles and good attitudes towards life and relationships. You need to find somebody who isn’t superficial and wont bring you down. Not all of us women prioritize loving somebody just by their waist down.
    I personally think you need to love yourself
     
    ken867 likes this.