I'm all over the place at the moment. I've been speaking to a girl online and we have had voice chats/video charts and all sorts. Spent lots of time together... THe entire time i've felt somewhat guilty and like somethings not right. Then last night i decided to look at some "adul videos" to just see if I really am gay./.. (ive been thinking that im bisexual but just never tried to get with women because its too hard)...but ultimately, i jus think sexually im not attracted to women. i dont know. maybe im wrong. maybe i just watch too much adult stuff. I just really fucking liked this girl. I felt like all my dreams could be fulfilled. I wanted to meet her. On some level i just know i wont be attracted to her. I really hate being gay. IT's taken away what I feel like should be my "right" to have love for the opposite sex. I don't think i'll ever come to terms with this. Not fully. Even when I am accepting of my own gayness, i dont want relationships with guys. Not in the slightest. But im always seeing women who I like the look of. the problem is It's just purely "romantic" and not at all sexual. I feel like someone is playing a cruel joke on me. Edit: In the past people have tried to help me and said I hav "internalised homophobia" but its not that I hate the being gay, its the i hate not being straight part. i guess.
I really thought I was falling in love with her. I just wanna spend my time with her. But ultimately if "the blood doesn't rush" then i guess maybe its all a lie? I am so tired of this.
I fully understand what you are saying here. I married a man because I absolutely loved him and we got along so well but as you say “the blood didn’t rush”. There were no sparks and I didn’t feel those crazy in love emotions. But I married him because everything else was right. Over time, the feelings I got for women went stronger and stronger. I couldn’t help that. It caused my marriage to break down in the end. I felt like how you feel right now. However, I eventually accepted that this was me, I can’t help who I get feelings for and I learned to accept myself as I am. I learned to love myself and my sexuality. Things then got better for me.
On some level. Maybe i just ned more women friends who I can emotionally connect with but who don't sexualise me and so I don't do it back to them... Edit: i have a lesbian friend at work who I'm very emotionall conencted with. We get along VERY well. Maybe i just need more people like her.
It’s tough I know. It really is and I’ve cried a river myself in the past. There are no words to describe those inner feelings. I almost had a breakdown. But I promise you it does get better. I joined support groups like you have and I chatted with people who had been through the same. I met lots of new friends and slowly over time things just got better as I learned to accept that what I was feeling was normal and there was nothing wrong with me. You will be ok.
Until then I gues ill spend more time by this river adding to its contents. xxxx edit: yeah i know this is cringe. whatever lol
Hi @darrenPC I’m really sorry that you’re struggling with your sexuality and that you are feeling conflicted. Porn is not a good indicator of sexuality because it is designed to turn people, and ideally as many people as possible to increase the potential audience. You mention that you watch a lot of adult material, so I wonder if it would beneficial to have a break and “reset” yourself? Just to see where your fantasies naturally focus without the influence of porn. Finding more friends sound like a great idea and hopefully you will be able to open up to them about how you are feeling. Have you talked through any of these feelings with your friend who is a lesbian? Saying it aloud may help you to work through it somewhat. Another option would be to speak to a therapist. Is that something you would or have considered before? Take care.
Long story short(ish)... When people struggle. please give them love over and over and over and over again for as long as possible. Love is vital when saving people who struggle with their identity and their sexuality. It's so important. This girls love has given me the strength to accept my identity. Accept I am gay. And She and I have been discussing things on an intimiate level. So now I am finally able to be me. I want to come out to my step mum and my friend (she is lgbt). I've only got here because of the love this girl I met online has given me so much love and acceptance. She is the best thing that has happened to me. And I feel safe and NOT ALONE. I can go out and meet guys and actualy have somene to talk to about it I even know my "type" now something I never would've arrived at whilst being so alone with it all. I am so glad I met her, she has changed my life forever. I finally have a friend (A PROPER FRIEND who I can tell everything and anything to... not "friends" who are just epople i know and hide myself from)
This is so good to read. I have a friend like this as well. They truly are Earth Angels! I am so glad she is there for you