I have been struggling with what to do next in my coming out process. I have been out to my wife for a year now, but on Friday, I had this powerful dream that I was sitting on the floor in our walk-in closet when she came home from work. I called to her and asked her to join me in sitting on the floor. I turned on a small battery operated lantern that we own and closed the door. I proceeded to tell her what it's like to live inside the closet of my mind...and that I simply couldn't go on doing it anymore. I asked her to forgive me, but that I had rented an apartment and would be moving out that weekend. While she was crushed by the decision, she agreed to do what she could to stay connected and supportive. I know it's only a dream, but it seemed so real, I woke myself up and I was crying. Is this a vision of things to come? I want her in my life, just not as my wife. Just thinking about the dream brings on the tears. Am I grieving what I know to be inevitable?
That's a really powerful image. And yeah, that definitely sounds like grief. I think a lot of us are in assorted stages of grieving for our marriages and our relationships with our spouses. We know what will eventually have to happen for us to move forward and have a real life with someone, but we don't want to give up the positive things we've had with our straight spouses. My wife and I have had problems for years, unrelated to my being gay, but throughout it all, I've stuck by her because we still have a connection of some kind. Teenage kids, shared history, things that we have struggled through together (more or less--let's be real, here). 20 years of marriage and 25 years of knowing one another is not something that just goes away. There have been many times where I've actually wished I could hate her--it would make the eventual split much easier to accept.
I'm sorry...I meant to write this yesterday and got distracted. Yes, I'm afraid the symbolism in your dream is pretty straightforward. A lantern represents feelings and insights coming from inside you that will help guide you. The floor represents your support system and sense of security...so it's significant that you asked your wife you join you on the floor! And yes, closets really do symbolize that which we keep hidden. But dreams aren't prophetic (except for the ones that are). They are simply indicative of what we're currently wrestling with, thinking about, preoccupied with, etc. Under the circumstances, though (and given the way you framed this post), it seems that maybe you know the answer, and this is indeed something that you're working yourself up to?
Yes, "thank you" biAnnika, I think it's a dress rehearsal for the real event. Told my therapist that for now, at this very moment in my process, it's as if I have two possibilities that pull equally at me, except I fear one is dying....while the other is coming to life. I'm mid-point on a journey with an inevitable conclusion. Choirboy, it's great to hear the blended view (good times and bad) that constitute a long-term relationship. I want to always have a connectedness with my wife, even when she's my ex.
My wife and I started out as good friends, and people always commented on it. But her family has a really twisted way of treating their friends far, far better than their closest family members, so once we got married, things changed. I can't hold my closet case status as the only thing that has caused problems for us. It's always been my hope that we could move back in the direction of the friendship we had in the beginning. I see little glimmers, not of that friendship just yet, but the possibility. I hope I'm not just being optimistic, but I believe it can happen. I think WANTING to see that happen is the biggest hurdle. Now we just have to make it work. Good luck!
Oh Choirboy! This is so hopeful! Most struggle with enmity from the ex's family...once you move back to that friend status, you'll no longer have trouble! Perfect! *smile* Sorry, couldn't help myself for that. *hugs*
Honestly, Annika, I'm far more concerned about how they will treat HER than how they treat ME once this all comes out. I envision a lot of snide comments about how she "turned me gay" and such. They're really very mean-spirited people, and blood is much tastier than water to them. She can be a very difficult person in many, many ways, but I have to say that she's still the best of the lot.
Ah, it's one of *those* families. I'm very sorry. At least it'll be what she's used to. Family can suck...but when it's evil, it's at least the evil we know. *hugs*
