My wife wanted to know why I’ve been so depressed. I told her. So now she knows I’m trans. Not questioning, not “figuring things out”, but trans. She’s hurt and hurting. She said some thing to me this morning that cut me deep. She apologized immediately, I think she realized that she’d fired the bazooka when she mean to use the BB gun. I disgust her. She’s says I dont. But I don’t believe her. Lots of questions starting with “Are you one of THOSE people who…(insert stereotypes trans behavior here)”. She literally vomited this morning she’s so sickened by me. I feel completely untethered from myself and my life. This is like death but I have to be awake for it
I am sorry that she reacted so badly. Hopefully she calms down and things do get better. If it does turn out that she does not want to stay together with you then really it is better to find out sooner than to have stayed in the closet for years only to then have it happen.
I’m so sorry that things turned out like that. Maybe she just needs some time to get used to this. I hope you two are able to make things work.
I'm so sorry. Sometimes people react badly to the news at first but time can allow people to process things and things can settle down. I know this hurts. The "are you like this" questions are hurtful I know because it's not like your personality changed, you are just being your authentic self. However, why it's not fair for her to be hurtful...she probably doesn't know what to do with this information. Her immediate apology shows she doesn't want to see you suffer, but just like you can't magically be cis she can't magically be lesbian either. I don't want to tell you there's no hope, I've heard stories of trans women staying with their cis-hetero wives and everybody makes it work. I won't lie though, from what I've heard it does take a lot of work. Again, I'm sorry you're hurting.
I'm so sorry to hear how your wife reacted and how you are feeling. I really hope things get better for you soon. Stay Strong and Keep on Keeping on. I'm here for you, as I'm sure a lot of people are.
We just had a good talk. She’s working on it. She said that she needs to become comfortable with knowing that one of the possibilities is that I’ll have to transition one day. It’s late in the game for me, feeling like a now or never thing. She said she wants to do gender affirmative things for me. I have no idea what she means, but I know she’s trying to be kind. I’m completely mentally paralyzed. No idea what I’m supposed to do
Hey @staticinmyattic...I'm glad she's being more supportive. I think it will just take time. She's trying, sometimes that's all you can ask for while people adjust to new information. Don't beat yourself up, you were going to have to say something eventually. You said you were miserable keeping your true self locked away; and a relationship where one or more partners is miserable has it's own challenges. Glad things are looking up.
Thanks. It’s really nice having all of you to check in with when things get heavy. I’m very grateful. Things are evening out. We had a long talk. It’s gotta be hard to be supportive of spouse who can’t yet fully express what support is needed. She offered to use gender neutral terms for me. I read a post with advice for coming out as trans to a spouse. Item #1 was own your shit. Any behind the back stuff that happened, get it out and get it over with. Did that, which was easy, because there was almost nothing to tell. Nothing that was going to get me in trouble anyway. That’s what makes my current position as exciting as it is harrowing. I’ve only focused on breaking my mind out of the cycle of denial and self loathing, and haven’t even begun to turn that freedom outward into feminine gender expression. That’s all in front of me, and frankly, I don’t even know where to begin. I know the things I want to do. I want to remove my body hair. I just want, even if I do it once and never again, to know what being smooth feels like. I want to try on a wig, if only enjoy the nostalgia for the fast growing lush as hell head of hair I used to have (good god I didn’t appreciate what I had). I want to try make up, just to see if the it makes the woman I see in the mirror when I squint really hard a little easier to see. These things aren’t a big deal, they’re not permanent and cost relatively little. But any of them would be a huge step for me. Hm. This is starting to sound and feel a lot like goal setting. Didn’t mean to start doing that, but I don’t think I want to stop.
I'm glad she's trying to understand and support you. I think she just may be slightly confused and the hurtful comments she made (that you mentioned at the start of this thread) were just her initial reaction. I get you're probably confused but I'd say just accept the supportiveness for what it is.
Wow, that's pretty amazing that you did it Static - well done! The response you got was - from what I've read and heard from other trans women - pretty common. It also sounds as if she wants to be accommodating and that there is something to build on there. Congratulations! You've done it. In terms of difficulty, coming out to a spouse is probably the biggie. Give yourself a pat on the back for negotiating such a huge hurdle.
So this is happening. I am out to my wife, and we’re good. She want to support me, and we both want to work together to try to find what we need to lead individually satisfying and fulfilled lives, which we both agree includes keeping our marriage thriving. The fact is, our marriage was already hurtling toward a divorce. I was miserable and miles away from her in spirit, but stuck in constant close proximity. We were losing each other. Then I came out to myself and our marriage burst back to life. The more out to myself I am, the more myself I am, and the more time I spend as the person my wife fell in love with. She seems to understand this, and that my coming out has been good for our relationship. Gotta bounce! She just woke up and wants to drink coffee together. I’m on cloud 9.
