1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I got kicked out of the wedding party

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Linkmaste, Apr 8, 2017.

  1. Linkmaste

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2008
    Messages:
    330
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario
    So, my one best friend is getting married and I was ecstatic to be her MoH. It gave me something to do, especially I had these things going on:

    1. Divorce from my ex husband
    2. Coming out as a lesbian
    3. Coping with the loss of my other friend who was killed by ISIS
    4. Moving back home and losing my main income job and having to start over again.

    She said I was 'not emotionally stable' enough. I apparently didn't give the right responses during the consultant meetings or I didn't talk enough or just looked 'like I had something on my mind'. Also, she would get mad when I bottled feeling up.

    So I told her some stuff on my mind how I felt lost and frustrated and she was tired of giving me the same advice. But I had to let her know that this will take time to heal from.

    But then she called her friends and they met with me to let me know I was out of the party for the 'sake of her emotional well being'.

    I'm furious, sad, and feel like I can't do anything right. I'm just some joke to the world now that is a psychotic lesbian who has issues. I know people talk about this behind my back and it's really hurting.

    I don't know if this is a rant or a advice ask-I want to bottle everything up and pretend nothing's wrong. But, what if I blow up again? I let everything out and I got kicked out of the wedding party and now ostracized from the friend group.

    NOTHING I DO IS RIGHT. I'm so mad and pissed off from it.
     
  2. Worker Bee

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2017
    Messages:
    862
    Likes Received:
    44
    Location:
    Manchester
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    OMG!!!! That's fucking awful. I can't believe she treated you like that.

    I know she's getting married but that doesn't mean she should abandon you when you've been going through hell.

    You deserve much better friends.

    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  3. Linkmaste

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2008
    Messages:
    330
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario
    Thanks, I appreciate the support. Just kinda stuck in that damn if you do and damn if you don't scenario.
     
  4. beenthrdonetht

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2016
    Messages:
    1,315
    Likes Received:
    482
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I think that's one of the most outrageous things I've heard on this forum. Really.

    What really stands out is the asymmetry: they can just flick a switch and you're in/out and they don't feel a thing. But you hurt. This is the first time I've been moved to use an animated emoticon but it seems necessary. (BTW do you play club soccer? I'd hope that would be a good outlet and support group.)

    (*hug*)
     
  5. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm going to take a slightly more nuanced view on this.

    A wedding is a really, really complicated affair on many levels. For the couple getting married, it represents the culmination of their commitment to each other. That value is (or should be) first and foremost above everything else. So if the couple are really looking at the situation, they want to ensure that their wedding is as perfect as it can be for them. It is their day, not anyone else's. All of their friends and family show up to show their appreciation, love, and support for the couple that is getting married.

    From that perspective, the couple, if they are putting their own needs first, needs to do whatever they need to do to ensure that the day runs smoothly, that there isn't drama (or as little drama as possible), that the day is 100% about them and no one else.

    The problem is... nobody's group of friends or family are perfect. There are drama queens, people who are needy, people who absolutely don't get along with anyone else, people who hate each other. People who drink too much. People who are boorish and rude.

    So the couple is left with the absolutely thankless task of trying to balance out the needs they have to make their day the most beautiful, special, and memorable day they can possibly have, against the expectations and perceptions that their friends and family will have. And it's a compromise... there's no way to make everything work out perfectly without someone feeling resentment or hurt.

    And sometimes, that means making really, really difficult decisions. I know people who have not invited their parents, relatives, or even close friends... because they knew (or strongly suspected) that it was strongly likely to create huge difficulties or a spectacle that takes away from what is supposed to be their most special day.

    It sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate right now. By your own admission, the wedding was "something to do" to distract you from the other difficulties going on in your life. And you, while she was in the midst of thinking about her wedding, and before any of the real stress of the wedding is going on, chose to basically "give her a piece of your mind" and talk about all of the difficulties going on for you.

    The Maid of Honor role in a wedding is an absolutely crucial one. It's the equivalent to the VP of operations that reports to the president of a company. This person has to be absolutely rock solid, unflappable, calm, and collected when the bride is not. She needs to be organized, have great "people skills" to manage the difficult personalities and stresses and hurt feelings and everything else that comes with organizing a wedding. If this person isn't ready to handle all of that responsibility, one of two things happens: Either the wedding is an unmitigated disaster, or the bride, who has three million other things to think about, has to suddenly step in and do two different jobs, either of which is incredibly stressful and difficult.

    Given what you have described with your own situation, as much as you may not want to hear it, I think your friend did both of you an enormous service. She likely correctly realized that you are probably not currently in the right frame of mind to handle all of this responsibility with all that you have going on for yourself. And she likely did this because she cares deeply about your friendship.

    That may seem counterintuitive, but if she went forward, and the other issues you have going on in your life interfered, in spite of your best intentions, with your ability to do the job well... it would likely have ended your friendship. This, unfortunately, happens all too often as a result of wedding catastrophes.

    I can absolutely guarantee this was a gut-wrenching decision for her, and broke her heart. I can also absolutely guarantee that she still doesn't feel good about it. But she (in my opinion, correctly) looked at the needs of her and her future husband first, which is exactly what a healthy person would do in that case. As much as it may hurt, her first responsibility and attention and priority, going forward, will be and should be on her marriage. This doesn't mean she doesn't care about you; on the contrary, I submit it is because she cares about the future of your friendship that she did this.

    I know it hurts. And as I said, I know it hurts for her also. It doesn't mean you're a shitty person, you're incompetent, or you're incapable of being a great Maid of Honor. It does mean that likely now, this isn't the best thing for you to be doing, simply because of all you have going on. And she was strong enough and brave enough to make a very tough decision so that she could keep your friendship in the long term.

    I think if you really think about it, you'll be able to see it through that lens, and both of you will be able to continue the valuable friendship you've cultivated over time.
     
  6. Linkmaste

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2008
    Messages:
    330
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario

    Thanks for the advice. She said those things too abet in a more flat way but she did say them.

    I just thought I did a good job of separating my problems to her needs. I thought if I could do this, everything could just get better ya know?

    I told her as long as she's happy, that's the main point. It is her day. Just like when I had MY wedding and she was MY MoH, she for the most part had my back (aside from a disaster of a bachlorette party).

    Still feel like I failed. And everyone thinks I'm a crazy divorcing lesbian who has serious issues.

    But after thinking, I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be her friend, I don't want to be on egg shells and not know what she's thinking. I just can't get myself motivated to CARE about her. So, maybe it is best she let me go. I dunno, still havn't really talked to her about it since she dropped it.
     
  7. Really

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2014
    Messages:
    2,579
    Likes Received:
    753
    Location:
    BC
    You haven't failed.

    You're just not in a good headspace where you'd be able to enjoy the experience. It's unfortunate but not your fault. You are not "a crazy divorcing lesbian". You're doing what you need to do to be properly happy.

    Don't give up on your friend, yet. Weddings are not normal operation procedure. Let someone else deal with the stress of that, you just go and enjoy being a carefree guest and when things settle down, see how you feel.

    You'll want to concentrate on your own happiness at the moment, not hers or anybody else's, anyways.