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I get this feeling sometimes..

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Jayden557, Dec 6, 2018.

  1. Jayden557

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 30, 2018
    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Greensborough Vic
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Since I was 11 years old, I identified myself as an ftm transgender. My parents keep telling me that it’s some hormonal thing that happens during puberty, I’m 14 now and I still feel like I’m a guy. My parents won’t help me, they try to talk me out of it, they give reasons, tell me how many many people regret transitioning after they do surgery. How if I did want to detransition later I would never be normal again. How right now I am normal and that I could never be a real man. How people will look down on me. They tell me a lot more people regret transitioning later in life. I guess all this talk has gotten to me, am I really trans? Sometimes I feel I’m making it all up, just so I could have some attention. I want people to know but at the same time don’t, how would they react? I get really annoyed when people call me be the wrong pronouns sometimes, and sometimes I don’t react al all, am I just getting used to it or am I not trans? I mean, at school the sport t shirt REALLY makes our breasts look bigger than they really are, and it makes me really self conscious. Recently during the 36 degree weather I’ve been wearing the school rugby jumper to hide myself. I always walk hunched over when I’m wearing something thin, I don’t care what people say to me but my chest cannot show.
    I don’t know if these identify me as ftm trans or just a really tomboy girl. I have binded before until my parents stopped me. They banned me from binding. Once in a while I bind in my room, just for a moment, and it feels great, really great, like I’m myself again.
    I guess I’m just trying to find an answer now, have anyone else experienced something similar to me? Like I said I feel like I’m making everything up sometimes, is that some clue that I’m not trans? I just really wish I was born male all along, then non of this would have happened.
     
  2. Scamander

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2018
    Messages:
    11
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    Location:
    Earth
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    The fact that you say you wish you’d been born male all along is a major indicator that trans is an appropriate way to describe you. It feels impossible during adolescence to truly be your own person, because parents have so much influence, but you have to do your best to stay true to your own wants and needs, regardless of what others say. You can stand your ground and be honest about who you are, but still show it in a loving, calm, matter of fact way that shows that you care about and respect your parents, but that it’s your body and your life, and you know and are proud of who you are. Their response is their response, and not a reflection of you, nor something you can do anything about.
     
    Athexant likes this.
  3. Athexant

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2015
    Messages:
    109
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    24
    Location:
    Maryland
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I honestly had the same struggles as you relatively recently as well (albeit I'm a little older, these things never really change). I would say that you seem to be FTM, but ultimately, that's up to you to identify. What you've described with not liking your chest, the euphoria you feel when you bind, not liking your pronouns that match your biological sex, sounds like gender dysphoria, which is the medical "qualifier" to be trans.

    I know it really sucks to hear all of this from your parents, especially because they're the ones who are supposed to love you and support you the most. And you are still young, so your parents are important in your life (and I'm not bringing up your age to invalidate your experience, what you described is rough for anyone to go through). I think some of your doubt is stemming from how your parents are treating this situation. They're worried about you, so they're saying anything they can to keep you from doing something they can't control.

    As I've said, my situation is similar to yours. I've identified as FTM for the past 3 years, my parents found out, they made the accusations similar to what your parents are doing, and I went through a period of self-doubt. In fact, I still have doubts about my trans-ness. It's easy to think that you're lying, that the fault is with you, but honestly gender is so complicated, and you genuinely believed you were trans, so you weren't making anything up. Also, just an fyi, it's totally normal to question your gender, even while trans. Even people who have medically transitioned and are happy with their results had doubts about whether or not they were trans enough before they started.

    What I did in this situation was distanced myself from the situation. Let the emotional dust of the situation settle. You can reevaluate your feelings about your gender if you want, but I would wait until the situation is calmer. Say what your parents want to hear, plot in secret until you can be out on your own independently (financially and legally). Find a good support network of friends and maybe a teacher who will be willing to listen to you and make you feel loved and valid. EC is a good place to find advice and just to vent sometimes. I'm really sorry that you have to go through all of this. I hope you can find solace in the fact that we've all been somewhere similar before.

    I hoped this helped, even just a little. Sorry if it got a little long.