i fell for my "straight" best friend and i'm confused

hey everyone, this is my first post, and I need some help trying to make sense of a couple of things... (English is not my first language so I'm sorry for any errors there might be). and it might be a little long so I'm really sorry about that.

When I was 13 I met 2 girls (let's call them Sarah and Melissa) we became "best friends", Sarah and I from the start had a weird dynamic, I would hug her from the waist, and she would ask for my phone and go through my insta and texts.

At that time I was reading a lot of blogs and articles on coming out, and I asked her to please not open some apps where I had these texts (this was 2 weeks after we met) Sarah disregarded my words and opened the articles, asked me what that was and showed Melissa...I sat them down and tried explaining that I was figuring things out but I probably liked girls.

Melissa took it well, but Sarah started asking me things about it telling me I was now her "lesbian best friend" and she had no one to talk to... mostly things about intimacy.

We started getting closer and started having arguments due to jealousy. I couldn't hang out with anyone else, not even with Melissa if she wasn't there. The thing is I never took this as a red flag because there was a really intense connection with Sarah from the start.

At the end of that year, I had my first boyfriend (whom she actually helped ask me out). She would complain about him, we would get into arguments about me not spending time with her. I broke up with him and things were ok again until I started making new friends with the arguments coming back.

Covid hit so we were all sent home and I started losing contact with Melissa (we never really had the opportunity to get to know each other because Sarah always took it as a threat of us leaving) and talked daily with Sarah, we would fall asleep to each other on the phone and our calls lasted days, we always played truth or dare or never have I ever and things always turned weirdly intimate.

After a year of not seeing anyone, she started coming to my house frequently, through all that time we both had problems at home so we both turned to each other for help and support.

We kept getting closer, started jokingly flirting, but she always said she was straight.

By the second year of quarantine, Melissa was out of the picture (at least for me, I later found out she kept in contact with Sarah but Sarah always told me she didn't. This wasn't the only time she lied to me like that, she was actually the one that caused me to break off with my boyfriend, if I started talking to someone they would magically start dm'ing her and liking her pictures until they stopped talking to me, things like that).

On my birthday Sarah came to my house we got drunk and played truth or dare, she ended up leaving me a hickey, but we didn't kiss because "she was straight and i didn't like her like that".

After that night we would cuddle, when she stayed at my house I would make her breakfast while we danced in the kitchen or she would hug me from behind and kiss my neck, etc... that summer I stayed at her house and decided to drink again, we played again and we kissed, but she pushed me from the bed and called a guy to tell him that he was the love of her life... i stopped being her "gay best friend", became "the only girl she wouldn't mind kissing" and the flirting became excessive.

She spent NYE with me and met my family, everyone thought we were dating.

She went to study abroad for a year and we talked daily. I came back to school and had a crush on someone, she found out and we had a huge argument in which she admitted that "she only was like that because she knew I was gay and it was the first time she thought I had a chance of dating anyone and was jealous and scared of me leaving her"

Things went back to normal until I met another girl and this time she got furious at the girl and me for liking her. She started telling me how great I would look as a boy and how if I was a man "or even trans" she would date me, we called each other "my love", "baby", etc.

I kissed a friend of ours before she came back and we had a huge argument she told me she didn't want me to see a girl because I was hers (but said she always made it clear I was like a sister to her).

She came back, I was not ok with things anymore and confronted her about it... how I was feeling trapped and not reciprocated in the friendship, she apologized and cried asking me not to leave.

Things became awkward because I started putting boundaries and she would get upset, by then I was attached and really wanted to step back and take things slow to try and fix things, but she started pushing me away.

2 months later she said we needed a break but told all our mutual friends I was acting weird towards her and was treating her badly, she became "best friends" with the girl I kissed and both started the narrative that Sarah was straight and I had pressured both of them to kiss me... (this was because people started noticing us separating and started asking if we dated or something had happened).

Now we don't talk anymore, had an enormous fight in which she told me "I was the worst to ever happen to her", and I'm truly wondering:

-If I was the one in the wrong?
- and if I'm gay because she just told me she knew I was and to stop thinking about men for years and I guessed I believed her

so I would really appreciate an outsider's opinion about it all because I don't have anyone to talk to... and I'm really lost

 

I mean, she always told me from the start she was straight. I never assumed anything but that... but looking back, it just with everything that happened (I omitted a couple of things because they were really intimate/sexual, and since we were both underage seemed a little inappropriate) but I don't know... maybe it has to do with the fact that everyone around us assumed we were together so it started getting to my head? or how most of these interactions she would be the one to initiate? I always checked with her on everything since my main concern had always been not making her uncomfortable but from what I know, friends don't cuddle the way we did, or joke that much about being together, but then again she would approach me and then blame it on me or turn things around and make it seem like I was the one who started, asking me if I liked or desired her and then pushing me to say yes.

I know it's not my place to assume and just thinking about the possibility adds another layer of hurt to all of these (mostly because if true I would've given anything for things to work out between us) and the possessiveness is also something that throws me off, like why just with women, the comments of me being "hers".

She also freaked out about her parents finding out we kissed at her house, I think they actually talked to her because we were so drunk we ended up sleeping hugging each other and her mom walked in on us and later asked her what was going on. She then begged me not to tell anyone especially not to mention it to her family. ( to this day only a few people on my side know and since I never said anything about any of this she was able to push the narrative of me making her uncomfortable and being emotionally abusive)

Also, she would send me videos or photos of masc girls and tell me how hot they looked, tried making me start acting and even dressing like them (she liked the leather jacket, skinny jeans, biker kinda vibe and I already dressed like that so it just kind of amplified), comments like "if I was gay I would date this girl", "I'm gonna turn gay just for her" "my gay awakening" "the day you get a girlfriend I'll fight her".

Get uncomfortable/defensive when someone mentioned us grabbing hands or me having my hand on her waist but if we were alone she would direct my hands to her waist or lower when we hugged or would get on top of me while I was lying in bed and would let me do the same, then play with my hair.

She would sometimes ask me to pose as her boyfriend for photos and wanted to post the ones I hid my face to "see who would think I was actually her bf and who would recognize me"

it just all seems a little too much you know?

 

thanks for sharing, I really appreciate it!
similar here, I tried playing it cool about my sexuality too, especially since it seemed like the only one who hadn't figured it out yet was me, everyone just one day assumed I was gay and to this day I still have to explain that I'm figuring things out and that I'm not dating any of my friends (after people assumed I was dating this girl and things ended, every female friend I have sparks rumors of me dating them which doesn't help with the feeling of me being some kind of predator, you know?).

I hate that the topic of sexuality tends to become this big issue everyone is "interested in" or has really inappropriate questions they think it's ok to ask just because you show yourself somewhat comfortable with it. if you don't mind me asking... Did it affect you? and if yes, how did you deal with it? (it's ok if you don't want to answer and I apologize if I overstepped a boundary)

 

Heyyy its been a while since i last logged in and i sincerely apologize for that, life got in the way and i haven't been able to check the website... but i wanted to say thank you for your opinion and help on this situation. Back in march when all of this was still happening I was in a bad place mentally and your response really helped me look at it all from another standpoint... so thanks for taking the time to liste and reassuring me that my feelings and sexuality were valid, i really needed to hear that from someone else.

Also i don't know if it's even relevant now, but i ended up moving to another country and blocking her everywhere, so yeah it ended up being completely unsalvageable. And while I still miss her from time to time I'm glad things are the way they are now, im in a much happier place and in therapy so... things seem to be brightening up

 

I've been doing better, thanks for asking! i hope you are doing great!
Right now I'm focused on healing and accept that this is who I am and being queer is my reality.
I'm still unsure about how to label myself, but i don't feel as uncomfortable with the uncertainity of it all.
I always felt like there was something wrong with me for not being able to define my sexuality, that something was broken you know? The harder i tried to get an answer the more frustrated i became with myself, it felt like i had to either be gay or straight because that's what i was told and everytime i tried labeling myself there was someone who "knew better"; so it feels good finally letting go of the pressure and need to have it figured out, and honestly not knowing makes me feel free, excited even. It means i get to decide and finally find out who i really am.