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I feel too good around my teacher

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by everydaykate, Dec 17, 2023.

  1. everydaykate

    Regular Member

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    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
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    Out to everyone
    To start off this isn't an age gap crush story. I'm in my 20s and she's in her 70s and we both have mommy issues and I don't know where else to ask for advice I guess. So I write music and she's a very special person to me because she taught me how to sing, she's been super supportive of me and she's told me so many stories about her career and about working with well known singers. I was a teen when I met her, I had no plans of being a singer, it was a chance thing, and she kind of raised me as a young adult woman. She said I was really talented and sort of pushed me to believe in myself. It's a direct contrast from my parents who have always been emotionally absent and took many years to support my creative ambitions sort of.

    So I was very lucky to find a musical parent. It's just that we have very compatible personalities for some reason, we immediately liked each other, and I feel intoxicated as a friend in her presence. I feel really good and warm and protected. At this point she's not expecting me to pay for lessons because we both implicitly realize we just kind of want to keep talking and gossiping about life for 3h or so. She tells me to text her when I get back home safely and I kind of don't like it, because it feels like I have to answer to her when I'm not in her studio. The last time I did that, I texted her because I realized it meant a lot to her to see me safe. She answered back very sweetly about a merry christmas and all and I didn't know what to answer. Like sometimes she will read my messages in the middle of the night. I know she's kind of a lonely person and she's spoken about wanting to have children but not managing to, so I feel like she treats some of her students like kids, kind of. And I'm clearly a little insecure and don't know how to handle receiving this protective kind of love.

    The reason is a little embarrassing. While I'm there everything is normal. But sometimes before sleeping, like two nights after going there, my mind will just start eroticizing the encounter, and I don't want to do that. I keep telling myself to think of my girlfriend, who is far away, instead, imagining her making me feel safe, rather than this person who is decades older. I don't want to think of her that way. But the security she gives me just feels way too good. As in, it's the easiest way for me to climax. My mom was never protective of me. Many times I would cry in front of the family at dinner or in front of her and she would just keep on what she was doing and ignore me. She never asked for a hug, it was usually me running to her to hug or animate her or ask her how she's doing. So with my teacher I just imagine myself lying down in a room in her house, tired or crying, and her checking on me and smiling in approval. That's literally it. It's weird because I'm kind of a giver in relationships, I like to provide my partners with so much warmth and empathy and I like to top. But with this teacher I just kind of melt, I get these weird fantasies of her just pulling my hair and things like that and it's a big vulnerability I'm too embarrassed to tell my girlfriend. Principally because my girlfriend really admires my music and she herself likes to lay down on my feet on the keyboard to listen to me play from below. It's okay for her to know I can totally be a sub in some moments, but it's just really weird to share a relationship with a teacher that obviously has absolutely nothing sexual going on just having these kinky undertones in my head. Actually it's not in my head, I know the teacher has her own kinks because I've seen her eyes glow in a really weird way a few times with a few things she told me and she does get off on controlling people. I actually really question if she's actually straight because... she doesn't act like it. I have gotten really spooked by her in the past but I think a part of it were my own fantasies and fears and insecurities as well.

    I could talk to my girlfriend about some of our more kinky desires - she actually already naturally doms in that kind of way - but at some point I would have to explain to her the situation, and I don't think she would see me in the same light. Because it's not a fantasy, it's the real world and it already happened.

    This woman basically like a real-life Carol figure, being very sophisticated and dominant in personality. Part of me feels that I could be like her, I feel that we're similar in many ways, so it is a genuine mentorship. But part of me just wants to be protected too and I hate being gay in these moments. I just wanted to enjoy being with her without being afraid of getting turned on. It's happened before when she was starting to get possessive of me and I cut contact with her (obviously gave other reasons). I was afraid to end things with her because I knew that she would get angry, which she did, throwing off her anger onto other students. And I still missed her for months and months until I realized I wanted this person in my life, just, of course, in a healthier and more distant way. I don't want her as a teacher and am trying to turn things into more of a friendship. It's kind of embarrassing how much we like each other and I wonder if I'm doing things just for her approval, or if I genuinely feel that way about things. I don't even understand why I like her so much. I don't feel so warm and fuzzy with any of my friends and not even my girlfriend. I watched the Devil wears Prada and there were many similarities in the movie to what I lived through. There's just something about her to which I connect on a soul level, as to my life path, or as someone who I can see myself becoming. And I really care about her. I just really hate how it overshadows my other relationships, and I can't really talk to others honestly about it because it's... weird? shameful? It's just kind of fucked up.
     
  2. Chillton

    Full Member

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    Try to revisit or establish some boundaries in your friendship. In the past I had a couple platonically affectionate friendships. We adored each other like brother and sister and were inseparable. Sometimes things would get personal by accident, or our actions could be misconstrued by an outsider despite our intentions. One or both of us would quickly pick up on those moments and nonchalantly address it, laugh, establish a new boundary, and move on.

    I suppose I have had crushes on people I shouldn't, but I also acknowledged in that same moment that things would never work out wholesomely, and forced myself to move on by crushing those intrusive thoughts in my mind.

    I'm not sure if this helps with your quandary specifically but hopefully it can provide you a small puzzle piece to your solution.