I feel so jealous of other men and like I'll never be enough

Me and my friend have a new housemate. On top of her being blindly in love with him, other stuff is making the atmosphere in my home difficult for me right now.

My friend had a chat with him without me to make sure he knew I was gay and to find out if he was homophobic. He said he "Suspected" I was gay and that he isn't homphobic, just hates "The kind of gay people who are loud and really feminine" etc. Hmm, that sure sounds like homophobia to me...

It has upset me because on one hand I still have a lot of shame around not being masculine enough, so I feel ashamed that he could tell I was gay, but I also feel angry (and rightly so, I think) that he only tolerates gay men who conform to the rigid gender roles he loves so much. He also seems to have pretty strict ideas about how women should behave. So basically I'm stuck in a kind of closet again not able to dress or act how I'd like to.

On top of that I also keep comparing myself to him and making myself feel worse. He goes to the gym all the time and won't drink milk or anything with soya in anymore "Because they contain oestrogen and lower your testosterone". I love keeping fit but I don't have huge muscles. He is also good at literally everything. Later tonight I have to do a boardgames evening with them both (I hate playing boardgames...) and I know he'll be perfect at that too.

I feel so inferior in every way compared to him. And my other housemate won't tolerate even the sligthtest criticism of him. Her constantly going on about how good-looking he is is making me feel even worse that usual about how I look.

He does't seem to have a single flaw. It also makes me jealous and annoyed that his family are very well-off. He has had opportunities handed to him on a platter, while I've had to do without. He was obviously raised in a loving environment and praised and it's given him flawless self-confidence. I can't say the same about me.

I also hate myself for being so jealous and bitter, but it's just not fair- we were't given even chances at life, and he'll always be loved and adored by everyone (especially women, who for some weird reason I crave approval from).

 

Yep, that's him! 'I don't mind queer people existing as long as they don't differ from me in any way at all'.

He is tolerable as a housemate. My other housemate wants us all to hang out together 110% of the time and would probably have us sharing toothbrushes if she got her way, but I need my space and I am out of here next summer if it's the last thing I do. I feel like a PA for those two, constantly having to clean up after them and remind them and deal with ALL the landlord stuff and bills. I am just about to snap today and start breaking stuff with it all but that is for another post.

As nasty as it sounds, I do hope so. Everyone who meets him believes he is a God.

Thank you for your reply. And sorry for being so negative. I have had it with people this week.

 

Thank you Rayland. I have been feeling a bit better about this specific situation, but this week has been pushing all my buttons and I'm going to flip one of these days so I'm feeling anything but kind lately. Thanks anyway.

 

Thank you. I really wish I could like who I am. Sometimes I get that feeling of pride in myself but then I tell myself off because I feel like I'm not good enough to be loved even by myself. I'm finding it very hard to deal with the pressure of it all at the moment and be positive to pull myself out of this place.

 

It's a good idea. I feel I would be the only one with any concerns in the house. Afterall, my housemates are waited on hand and foot by me. I'm scared to voice my concerns in case people don't like me anymore, but it's affecting me badly now to stay quiet. He owes me £45 and I am scared to mention it in case I look like a horrible person.

If you don't mind me ranting about him again for a bit (my other housemate will not tolerate even small criticisms of him)... He is one of the most boring people I have ever met. Everything is a performance with him. His whole life seems to be the result of carefully planning what will make him seem the most masculine. And then there are his views on women, which are plain disturbing. Yesterday he descibed the women who work in one of the bars in our city as "Fat degenerate bitches"... Yikes. Not someone I want to hang around with.

Exactly! I value my alone-time so much. I agree!

 

I will try to remember "Feelings don't show who you are as a person". I am not usually a fan of quotes but that one really helps me, so thank you.

In my current job, I couldn't afford to live alone, and without a university degree it's unlikely I ever will. But I can't blame anyone except myself because I quit university for my mental health, and chose to work a part-time job for the same reason.

I am thinking of having another 'house meeting' soon to address some stuff. We will be taken to court if those two don't pay the bills soon. I am very stressed about it, but I also don't want to be the nasty one. And I don't want to swoop in and do everything for them (paying the these bills) because they will never learn their lesson that way. I have to learn how to manage the stress until then.

 

Agreed. While it seems like all other gay guys are obsessed with 'straight-passing' men, I personally don't like that performative masculinity at all. Haha same here. It wouldn't be so bad if I could vent to my other housemate but she thinks he is perfection itself. Oh well.

 

I don't know if he is criticising very much or if it's just me. You are very lucky that you're like that. I would give anything to be masculine enough. It's not that I'm interested in anything traditionally manly (the opposite, actually), I just wish I had the benefits that come with it, like being approved of by society and by women especially. It's everyone else praising my housemate in the areas I lack that hurts so much. No one values my few skills or talents.

 

I told them again tonight what they need to do to pay the bills. And tomorrow I'll ask for the money he owes me.