I feel so alone and so tired of everything

I'd first like to say: I totally support you! you seem like an amazing human.
Just a few thoughts - If you feel like seeing a therapist would help you feel less alone, like there would finally be a person with whom you could share your "true self", you should do it. I've been seeing a therapist for 2 years now, and it's helped me so much. Honestly, I would've killed myself if not for her. Don't worry about them exposing you to your parents- they won'. Dr./Patient confidentiality and whatnot. It's the one occupation where people are legally obligated to keep your secrets. lol

Keep on keeping on. You're a valuable person, and you matter.

 

Hello and welcome!
First off. You are not living a fake life, you are living your life. And yes, it may seem like a crap one, but you are only 17. I know it is very cliché now, but there are many years ahead of you yet. And they will be good ones if you make them so. As for telling people about your orientation, why the rush? Just be who you are now, and when you are finally independent, then come out. Come out when the people you now depend upon, can not longer cause more problems. But if you are set on coming out, why not test the water with people? Ask them what their views on LGBT are.
True friends will not care who/what you are, rather they will stick with you through thick and thin.

If things are getting to this point, maybe, if it is possible for you to, maybe try seeing a therapist? When I was 16 I attempted suicide and it is the only regret I have in life. I wish I could go back and stop myself from ever trying. Thankfully my family never found out, and they, to this day, still do not know about it. But the thought that they would have come home to a dead child even now makes me cry. Your life is worth everything, and there is always someone who cares about you and loves you unconditionally. Again, cliché, but suicide really is not the problem. Just from reading this post, you seem like a very intelligent person, so put that to use where it can make a difference. As I said there are always people who care for you. It may not seem like it now, but there are.

 

Hey there! I felt compelled to talk to you because recently I've been going through the same phases as you, and understand where you're coming from. And it's taken a lot, but I've been slowly pulling through.

Now, I don't know how old you are. Or what the policies are where you're from. But I would recommend as a first step, seeking out a therapist that is LGBT friendly! When you start the session, you should first have to sign a confidentiality agreement, and make sure to read the terms. They might have something saying that if you say you are going to go home and kill yourself, they will have to alert a family member. But otherwise, it should be just between you and your therapist. This is an important first step. And one I struggled to make, because I was concerned about how going to a therapist was going to make me look. Best decision I ever made.

Second, let's address your isolation. I know it's depressing to parade as someone you aren't, especially with your closest friends. But until you have the freedom to be yourself wholeheartedly, I understand that this might be the way it has to be for you. Luckily, you have this forum. And so many people on here are dying to be your friend, to talk freely with you, to help you through this difficult time.

Third, let's talk about you being suicidal. I know, believe me I know that it hurts. That you feel trapped and alone. I know. But you also need to know that despite how bad it is right now, it will always get better. Maybe not immediately. But it will. Because once you hit the bottom, the only way to go is up. So keep your head held high, and keep going. I know it might seem like a small consolation right now, but your future will be filled with the acceptance and freedom you need, and the love you deserve. And I know it's scary right now, but no matter what happens, you will be okay. You just need to hold on to how great it will be when it starts to get better.

Please, please take care of yourself. And feel free to drop a message on my wall if you need someone to talk to, to rant at, to help you. Everyone needs friends. There are many people here willing to help you out, and I'm one of them if you need someone. (*hug*)

 

I also attempted suicide, having thoughts very similar to yours. Fortunately, the deepest lows of my depression tended to cause me to become somewhat catatonic and as luck would have it I was physically unable to carry it out. Otherwise I wouldn't be here. It wasn't a call for help, I really wanted to kill myself at that moment.

Something inside me changed in that suicide attempt. After hating myself for so, so long, this pathetic attempt to end it all uncovered an unexpected source of self-compassion I didn't know I had. It took some time but I finally understood, it was never me after all, it was everyone else who ever tried to put people like me down that I should have been angry with.

I came out of the closet with arguably too much vengeance after that. I was an in-your-face gay activist living in south in the deepest part of the bible belt in the mid 80's. Not the wisest thing to do. But the fear that I would die if I didn't come out was stronger than the fear of being out. I had to do it, both for myself and for anyone out there, like you, who was going through the same terrible pain that I had inflicted on myself.

I had some interesting experiences. I got fired from one of my jobs. I got kicked out of an apartment that didn't allow "my kind." I have been chased by skinheads, stalked by the KKK in full robes (at a rally), almost knocked unconscious by a cop with a baton for protesting too close to the courthouse entrance, and received several death threats from some articles I wrote in the local paper.

One day, after a friend of mine was nearly beaten to death by skinheads and left unconscious in the middle of the road in front of the local gay bar, and after a particularly disturbing phone call from a religious zealot who said he was waiting outside for me with a shotgun (he wasn't), I panicked and called the police. They literally laughed at me and said, "What did you expect?"

I frequented to the local gay bar where my fellow gays and I we were routinely harassed by the cops who would kick us around before randomly pick someone "suspicious" from the crowd to take downtown. Then one day we got a new police commissioner who, after looking at the high number of crimes being committed against the gays in and around the bar by the skinheads, told his officers to patrol that area and to keep it safe. Two of the officers refused to protect a bunch of "faggots" and the commissioner promply fired them. We were astonished. The next time I went to the bar I flenched when I saw a cop I had never seen before sitting outside the entrance. He just smiled at me and said, "Have a good evening." It was surreal. Over the next few days articles in the local paper in support of the commissioner's "cleaning up" of the gay bashing problem began to unfold. Support came from people you wouldn't expect.

In the 30 years since my coming out I have enjoyed a growing number of similar expressions of support from straight people, many of whom are deeply religious. Today there is much more support than the hate that is also still out there and that I still run into on occasion.

I'm not sure what your situation is like where you live. It may be far too dangerous for you to come out at all at the moment. And that's okay. If you can't you can't. It's not your fault and you shouldn't punish yourself over it.

Instead, make a plan. For instance, going to a therapist might expose you to your parents as you say, but what about a year or two from now? At some point you will be able to go and talk to a therapist without risking of your family finding out. Hold out until then. Just hold on.

I know you feel a terrible urge to do something about this right now, but if now is not the right time then there is no harm in waiting. Know that you will come out at some point and you will have a wonderful life like I did when I came out. Btw, I was 31 when I came out. So trust me, you have plenty of time. Relax and put it all aside for now. It will get better. I can promise you that.

 

You don't have to do this alone. I know it's not easy, and I know all about feeling as if my life was a lie.

What worked for me was try to be more gentle on myself, to try to understand that big changes require a lot of steps before you get there. Think of it as ikea furniture.

The good thing is that it's going to be all about you : Your own work, piece by piece, made of patience, love and faith.
There is more love out there than you think. The world isn't full of complete bastards, we are all made of light and shadows. You need to learn to forgive that toxic people, 'cause those memories are doing nothing but poisoning your mind. We are here to learn, but that doesn't mean that learning and suffering are the same thing... Pleasure is also learned, as well as love.

Forgive them... And keep in mind only you have access to your own world. Nobody can hurt you if you don't let them. We grow up wiser, stronger... Let the past die, give yourself a chance.

Try to talk to one of your friends, find out if they are cool with it. If you don't feel ready for that now, feel free to call this place your home. Come and join us, talk to us...

I'll be around if you need anything, also you can ask the mods for advice anytime, it's their job.

I send you a hug, and believe me I really mean what I say right now.

Fight yur battle, don't be afraid. Your life belongs to you.