1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I feel like I lost my best years

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Althidon, Jul 17, 2016.

  1. Althidon

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2016
    Messages:
    102
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Allentown PA
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    I'm trans, and while I've been living as male for about 8 years now, I wasn't able to start physical transition (due to a pregnancy and financial constraints) until now. I'm about to turn 30 and for the first time in my life I have facial hair.

    Some of them are coming in gray. I know that's a stupid thing to worry about, but it's upsetting. I finally get to have facial hair, and it's already gray while it's brand new.

    I'll never really know what it's like to experience life as a young man. I've been trying to present male, but I don't pass well. I got lots of experience being read as a butch lesbian but not much as a man. And now I'm...all grown up, for lack of a better word, and the world expects me to behave appropriately for my age.

    It feels so stupid to lose those years over something as petty as money.

    (Yes, I'm still young, still have lots of years, yadda yadda, I know. But not those years.)

    There's not really any questions I can ask or anything. Just wanted to vent.
     
  2. yeehaw

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2015
    Messages:
    209
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Oregon
    Aww. I'm very sorry that you spent so many years ready for more of a physical transition without being able to do so. It makes sense to me that seeing brand new gray facial hair would trigger some much needed grieving for those years where money (and other things) stood in the way of you owning your gender in the ways that you wanted to. Big hugs to you.
     
  3. Katchoo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2016
    Messages:
    836
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Georgia, USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
  4. Justasking100

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2016
    Messages:
    365
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    I guess I would say that your best and happiest years are ahead of you. If you spend to much time looking backwards you get a sore neck.
     
  5. transparent

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2016
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    bali
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Out Status:
    A few people
    We all have these transformational realisations (And the regrets which invariably shadow them.)....but only when we are ready for them. There was a reason for this delay, and you have not lost your best years. That's really just retro-imagining. (Which is probably a lot more fun than the real thing would ever have been.)
    You are at the absolutely perfect age; 30 is the bridge between a life of dreaming and a life of doing, and the perfect moment for what is now presenting itself. Learn to be grateful, or you might not pick up on the amazing upsides and opportunities now taking shape (And waiting there for you, just behind that thin, moth-eaten curtain of regret.)
     
  6. Eveline

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 16, 2015
    Messages:
    1,082
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    home
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    At 35 and before transitioning, I see behind me a life full of pain and emptiness. Yet, it was also a journey for me, I don't regret my 20s or early 30s because I know that going back and changing things would mean changing everyone else my life has touched. If you transitioned earlier, who else would have been effected, would your child have been born or would you be married? We are much more than our physical bodies and while you didn't live the life of a typical 30 year old, your life has still been meaningful and a journey and has made you who you are today which seems to me like a great person. (*hug*)
     
  7. Bunny45

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2015
    Messages:
    390
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    TX
    Well... Gray hair is HOT! I don't know if that's helpful or not, but I thought you needed to know.
     
  8. Gunsmoke

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 17, 2016
    Messages:
    609
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manchester, United Kingdom
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    You can be a silver fox!

    Seriously, though, 30 is not old at all. You've still got lots and lots of time ahead of you to make great memories, and I sound like my old headmaster but I genuinely mean every word!

    Not to bring up the eon-old problem of ageism in the LGBTQ community, but I think there is an issue about the general perception that your teens and 20s are supposed to be your heyday in terms of your identity, but that just isn't true. I mean, look at Laverne Cox: I know she was in her 20s when she transitioned, but she's 32 now and totally gorgeous. There's no age limit on this kind of thing, and even if you transition a little later than most people, you still have so much time to live your life as you are. And again - 30 isn't even close to being old. If the grey hairs are what is discouraging you, will it make you feel better if I told you that my friend's Dad went grey whilst he was at university? Some people just go grey early, it doesn't necessarily mean that your glory days are numbered.
     
  9. RosePetals76

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2016
    Messages:
    475
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Illinois
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Though not trans, I can empathize with coming out later and feeling like crucial time was lost. I don't regret marrying hetero because I got great kids out of it, but I wish I'd come put younger when it would've been easier to meet people, and I had more free time and less responsibility. It would've been so much easier.
     
  10. Althidon

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2016
    Messages:
    102
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Allentown PA
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Thanks. :slight_smile: I think this is exactly what I needed to hear.