I'm so glad a place like EC exists for me to get all this out. I also kind of like the idea that this account and my posts almost act like a way of keeping track of what I'm going through and what stage I'm at when it comes to me figuring out my sexuality. I mentioned this a couple of times before on here in comments and threads. I'll just mention it again here. I've recently had a few sexual experiences with my closest friend. The last few times we've hung out we've cuddled/spooned a bit, and I really like that a lot, I want to do it again, and a lot of nights I wish he was around so we could. It's maybe a bit NSFW, but more recently, we've fooled around a couple times, not sex, but we've given each other handjobs a couple of times. However, I'm pretty sure he wants to have sex or wanted to the last time it happened. The thing is I don't know if I'm ready to do that, or if I will be. I don't want to lead him on at all. There were a few times when we were spooning and I think if he had asked if I wanted to have sex I might have said yes. I've also fantasized about sex with him, and I enjoy that, but when it came to it maybe actually happening I didn't go for it. I don't know why, maybe I just need to take things more slow, I still think it's kind of weird that we've done anything. Especially considering I like to fantasize about it. When things started getting more sexual it was a bit awkward, not necessarily unenjoyable. I suppose I'm still getting used to the fact that it actually happened. I guess I want it to happen more, but the couple times it has happened its been a little weird. I think I might just be uncomfortable with myself sexually. As I've said, he's the only person I've felt like this about, but I don't have experience with anyone else. It's even more confusing because I've never been this close emotionally with anyone before. I wonder if I just don't know anyone else (especially a woman) well enough to feel that strongly about them. I wonder if I did get to know a woman as closely as this would I feel even stronger about them as I do about my friend. I wonder if I'm somehow confusing a very close friendship for something else, but I guess if I'm feeling it, some aspect of it could be real. I'm confused because it seems like there might be some some sort of dissonance between how I feel about the fantasies vs when it actually happens, and I don't know if that's just because I'm still getting used to this. I don't want to get into this again, because I've mentioned it a few times before. I don't think a straight guy would feel this way or do things like what have happened between us. One of the things that I struggle with is that I still seem to think that there is something attractive on some level about women, but I don't think I'm interested in sex with a woman. On the other hand sex with dude seems interesting and more intriguing, but I don't know if I'd say I'm physically attracted to men. I also think that there might just be something in the way of me accepting that I could be gay. Although, over the last few months to a year I think I've been getting more used to the fact that I'm probably not 100% straight. I'm a little scared to be gay, mainly because of what other people might think. I don't want other people to know because I don't want it to change how people will think about me. Unfortunately my mom found out that I don't know my orientation a couple of weeks ago which was really awkward. I still feel a little uncomfortable around her. It's this awkwardness that she knows. It's this weird vulnerable, or exposed feeling even though it hasn't been brought up again. I'm uncomfortable and sort of scared just by the fact that she knows. I was raised Catholic and I think that has been detrimental to me when it comes to sexuality. Sex was always this taboo thing to me. Obviously Catholics think that sex is this special thing that is only supposed to happen between two married, opposite sex people. Sex and sexuality has always been an awkward topic for me, and I've never been very comfortable discussing it. Obviously I've also never really felt comfortable or confident enough in myself to explore it either. I also think that because of my upbringing I have had a stereotypical view of gay people in the past, and I don't see myself as fitting with those stereotypes. I think those stereotypes still stick with my unfortunately. I always felt that being gay was something "different" or like gay people were not the same as me. Back then I was "obviously straight", but now it's not so obvious. I guess these are just some of the things that confuse me the most about this. I really appreciate that a place like EC exists because it lets me get all this out. I don't want to bring this up with anyone in person, so this forum is a good place to look for some outside input or discussion that I can't really get in person. The only person I would even come close to telling any of this is my friend, but obviously I don't feel comfortable saying ALL of this to him, particularly the stuff involving him.