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I feel like I always post the same things, but it helps just to get it out there.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by skloorrpt, Jun 30, 2020.

  1. skloorrpt

    Regular Member

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    I'm so glad a place like EC exists for me to get all this out. I also kind of like the idea that this account and my posts almost act like a way of keeping track of what I'm going through and what stage I'm at when it comes to me figuring out my sexuality.

    I mentioned this a couple of times before on here in comments and threads. I'll just mention it again here. I've recently had a few sexual experiences with my closest friend. The last few times we've hung out we've cuddled/spooned a bit, and I really like that a lot, I want to do it again, and a lot of nights I wish he was around so we could. It's maybe a bit NSFW, but more recently, we've fooled around a couple times, not sex, but we've given each other handjobs a couple of times. However, I'm pretty sure he wants to have sex or wanted to the last time it happened.

    The thing is I don't know if I'm ready to do that, or if I will be. I don't want to lead him on at all. There were a few times when we were spooning and I think if he had asked if I wanted to have sex I might have said yes. I've also fantasized about sex with him, and I enjoy that, but when it came to it maybe actually happening I didn't go for it. I don't know why, maybe I just need to take things more slow, I still think it's kind of weird that we've done anything. Especially considering I like to fantasize about it. When things started getting more sexual it was a bit awkward, not necessarily unenjoyable. I suppose I'm still getting used to the fact that it actually happened. I guess I want it to happen more, but the couple times it has happened its been a little weird. I think I might just be uncomfortable with myself sexually.

    As I've said, he's the only person I've felt like this about, but I don't have experience with anyone else. It's even more confusing because I've never been this close emotionally with anyone before. I wonder if I just don't know anyone else (especially a woman) well enough to feel that strongly about them. I wonder if I did get to know a woman as closely as this would I feel even stronger about them as I do about my friend. I wonder if I'm somehow confusing a very close friendship for something else, but I guess if I'm feeling it, some aspect of it could be real. I'm confused because it seems like there might be some some sort of dissonance between how I feel about the fantasies vs when it actually happens, and I don't know if that's just because I'm still getting used to this.

    I don't want to get into this again, because I've mentioned it a few times before. I don't think a straight guy would feel this way or do things like what have happened between us. One of the things that I struggle with is that I still seem to think that there is something attractive on some level about women, but I don't think I'm interested in sex with a woman. On the other hand sex with dude seems interesting and more intriguing, but I don't know if I'd say I'm physically attracted to men.

    I also think that there might just be something in the way of me accepting that I could be gay. Although, over the last few months to a year I think I've been getting more used to the fact that I'm probably not 100% straight. I'm a little scared to be gay, mainly because of what other people might think. I don't want other people to know because I don't want it to change how people will think about me. Unfortunately my mom found out that I don't know my orientation a couple of weeks ago which was really awkward. I still feel a little uncomfortable around her. It's this awkwardness that she knows. It's this weird vulnerable, or exposed feeling even though it hasn't been brought up again. I'm uncomfortable and sort of scared just by the fact that she knows.

    I was raised Catholic and I think that has been detrimental to me when it comes to sexuality. Sex was always this taboo thing to me. Obviously Catholics think that sex is this special thing that is only supposed to happen between two married, opposite sex people. Sex and sexuality has always been an awkward topic for me, and I've never been very comfortable discussing it. Obviously I've also never really felt comfortable or confident enough in myself to explore it either. I also think that because of my upbringing I have had a stereotypical view of gay people in the past, and I don't see myself as fitting with those stereotypes. I think those stereotypes still stick with my unfortunately. I always felt that being gay was something "different" or like gay people were not the same as me. Back then I was "obviously straight", but now it's not so obvious. I guess these are just some of the things that confuse me the most about this.

    I really appreciate that a place like EC exists because it lets me get all this out. I don't want to bring this up with anyone in person, so this forum is a good place to look for some outside input or discussion that I can't really get in person. The only person I would even come close to telling any of this is my friend, but obviously I don't feel comfortable saying ALL of this to him, particularly the stuff involving him.
     
  2. AnxiousJB

    Regular Member

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    Do whatever you feel comfortable with. If you feel like going further with sexual activity is not yet right for you, don't force yourself into it. I'm sure your friend would be understanding.

    Make your wellbeing your primary focus. Ensure that you're happy in yourself and then you will feel comfortable. From your post it seems like you're not fully comfortable in your own skin, and if you're not fully comfortable you're bound to have anxieties about certain aspects which you're not yet comfortable with.

    It sounds like a lot of your confusion and anxieties are driven by a lack of confidence in being gay at present. Have you considered trying to reach out into social activities which would help you meet like-minded people? I appreciate with coronavirus this is difficult, but there may be ways of joining virtual quizzes or other such activities where you get to speak to people and potentially form new friends. Through this you might understand your attractions better.
     
  3. skloorrpt

    Regular Member

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    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I don't plan on doing anything that I'm super uncomfortable with, though the first time it happened it was a little outside my comfort zone, but I wasn't unwilling. The thing is that I have fantasized before about having sex with him, but when he basically offered to have sex I didn't go for it. It may have just been anxiety though. It's weird because I don't think I've ever felt like this with anyone else.

    I don't have a lot of self confidence and I need to work on that, but I'm not really sure how. I wish I was more comfortable with myself because I'm pretty sure it does cause a lot of anxiety for me. I feel like there are days where I start to convince myself I could be gay, and I'm almost sure of it. Then there are days where I feel like I'm probably straight, so I don't even know if I have to be confident in it yet. It's like some weird mental gymnastics I do where I convince myself I'm gay of ther course of a few days then I undo all of it within a week or two later.

    I don't really know where to find groups like that or if I'd really fit in. I think I'd just feel a little out of place, but maybe that's just the anxiety, I'm really not sure what to make of it. I might look for something like that though, thanks for your response!