I'm sorry, it's just been really bad lately. Worse than it has been in 5 years, before I was ever put on anti-depressants or started therapy. I really don't know what to do anymore. Because if I can't get help with therapy or with medication then I don't know how else to fix this. I haven't been out with friends in 3 months because I don't have friends anymore. I literally don't have contact with anyone anymore so there's that. I mean, I have my family but they're at work and school most of the time and I can't just communicate with my family and no one else for the rest of my life. I've been trying to sleep a lot, through to the afternoon if I can because it makes the days go faster and I'm just tired all the time. I've been relapsing into a lot of bad/disordered eating habits because I don't want to be fat. Like I let myself eat whatever I want sometimes but I have to skip the next meal if I do. Yesterday, I didn't have breakfast, I had lunch and then didn't have dinner. I just drink a lot so that my stomach feels full. I want to start exercising again but wait until my parents are both at work so they can't worry about me. I've been crying a lot, probably every day. Even if I have a "good day" (if you can call it that), I still feel like crying at night. I haven't cut myself yet because I'm trying to break the habit, I haven't done it in 2 months. I have been scratching at my skin with objects though, so not much better. I just don't want scars. It's been really hard to keep my belief in God lately because I've been begging Him for help and I'm just not getting that. I don't understand what I've done to deserve this. I don't know what to do anymore. I think about suicide because I don't know what to do. I don't know who would care. I feel like it doesn't ever get better. It's better for a while and then it's just worse again and it never ends.
I am really sorry this is happening to you, I know how you feel. In my experience, staying home is the worst thing ever; you keep thinking about negative thoughts and suicide, you must go out most days of the week for school/uni, work or just a walk Idk. Do whatever you like. And if you don't go out at least occupy your day with things that take your mind off the negative thinking, so Instead of focusing on the issues that are bothering you, do something productive with your time that will keep both your hands and your mind busy. I am sorry I don't know what the main problem that makes you feel like this, but hope you feel better soon.
Hi. Right now it all seems pointless and all you feel you can do is to survive. I can relate to this, but if you've ever felt happiness, know you can find it again. Pain will pass, it always does. Death can feel tempting, but who says there's no other way? Try to challenge these thoughts. Where are they coming from? Just watch them. You don't have to judge them. This exercise can help you detach from pain and thoughts of disaster. Have you tried meditation?
Yes, my medication was at 75mg and then the psychiatrist wanted me to double that. That was maybe last month and he said if that didn't work (it didn't), we could triple the original dose but I don't know. I'm just sick of switching medication all the time and trying to alter doses because it seems pointless.
I've been through (and am still going through) very similar things. I am often exhausted (depression+anxiety+chronic fatigue syndrome is not a good combo) which drains my motivation. I've found doing things that make me relaxed are really helpful (drinking hot tea, warm showers, etc.) help reduce my anxiety. I try to get out of the house every day because when I don't, the next time I have to leave seems terrifying and I really don't want to do it. Because interacting with people gives me anxiety, try to interact with people online. I know it's not the same, but it's better than talking to no one. I've also tried getting more active in my community, doing things I'm passionate about. I'm now volunteering for a political party I support, which gives me confidence and boosts my mood. I also often forget when I get really anxious or depressed to do basic physical self care. I make sure to check in with myself about drinking enough water, eating enough (I also struggle with eating, I have an eating disorder, so I know this one can be a little tough, but you have to remember that restricting now makes you feel better about yourself, but later you will feel hungry, binge and restrict again which makes you feel bad about yourself and makes you very physically sick). I hope some of this helps. Good luck
I'm just going to post here and I don't really know why or what I'm expecting to come out of it...I guess it's just a literal cry for help at this point. I don't think I really expect anyone to reply though because it must be exhausting having to deal with the same person who's been talking about the same problems for almost three years now. I get that there's things I could still do to try and help myself. I don't know if it'd work but I could try. The thing is, I just don't know why I should try anymore. I don't feel like there's any point. I don't feel like I can ever be good enough or that anyone would care either way, if I die or not. I just feel like I can't be normal so I shouldn't even try. I don't have any friends, I don't know how to make friends but even if I was given the opportunity to make them... I feel like I'd just inevitably screw it up anyway. And I don't know if my family cares. I kind of hope they don't because then I wouldn't feel so guilty. I just always feel like I'm going to inevitably hurt people and I don't know why, I feel like I just need to keep myself isolated so I guess it's better this way even if I'm not happy. I just can't ever see myself having a life really. There's nothing I want to do, I can't think of any goals. Literally all I do at this point is try and make it to the next day. It just doesn't feel like a life worth keeping. And sometimes I just feel like God, a Being who's supposed to feel infinite love, doesn't love me. And I don't know why I'm here. I don't know what I did to deserve to be ignored. I've literally begged to be saved and showed some kind of mercy, even just a sign that God is really there but why don't I ever get an answer? I feel stupid talking about all this because I'm almost 18...I feel like I should've gotten over this in my teenage years, all the kids I used to know seemed to get better around 14/15 and I just got worse...
I get what you're saying. This internal conflict can be very draining and painful. There's no simple solution to this. But if you want a non-professional's opinion is that your depression is not there by accident. There are changes that need to be done if you are to progress. Everything changes. We may not notice but we are hardly the same people we were in the past.
A few things to mention in response to your latest post Spot. 1. Your post was loaded with negatives... I can't, I don't (how many times did you begin with these statements?). Just to reflect some other negatives back to you... Why should I try? No point. Can never be good enough. Would anyone care if I die or not? Can't be normal. No friends... don't know how to make friends. Always gonna hurt people. Keep myself isolated... better that way. No goals. Does God even care? Okay, so I've paraphrased a little, but as you read all of that back, what does it say to you? What would you tell someone who came to you with all of that fatalistic darkness and negativity? It tells me that you are destroying yourself with words and language, as much as feelings and emotions and you really are painting a bleak self portrait with a very broad brush. There was no middle ground, no maybe in most of those statements Spot. You've essentially resigned yourself to all of this as fact - forever. Do you think that's a reasonable way to look at everything, really? I know you have long term mental health problems and you can't just switch off from how you feel, and I wouldn't ask you to try, but you can change your language and soften the tone a little and that really does make a difference over time. 2. You are 18 and it's totally unreasonable to think that you should be over everything by now. Your teenage years can be the most stressful years of your life. As I look back on my teens there are few good memories. I was a complete mess at that time and it was only when I reached the age of 22/23 that things started to level out. You have a lot of living to do yet (and I emphasise the word living). I've read many of your posts over the last three years and I realise how agonising it is for you at times. I know that you have had many black days and you feel like you are barely hanging on, but here you are. Just reflect on that. In truth you are probably stronger and more resilient that you ever imagine and if you can tap into that strength and resilience and turn it to your advantage anything is possible. You can be anything you want to be Spot, but you have to start from a place of belief. If you remain in a place of fatalistic thinking; only looking backwards instead of forwards it's going to be an endless struggle. I believe you can emerge from this, but do you?
