1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I Feel I'm Drowning

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Serperior, Feb 1, 2018.

  1. Serperior

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2015
    Messages:
    301
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Washington
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Family only
    I have no clue what to do in my life. I'm very mentally ill and don't know what I can do to feel good. I use to be EXTREMELY agorophobic and socially anxious from the ages of 11-15 (signs as early as 9 y/o were there) and missed out on a ton of social interactions due to my MI's and was super reluctant to start any meds because addiction and mental illness is very prevalent in my family. I eventually experimented with various SSRIs but around my 16th birthday I started Effexor and then BAM! my anxiety disorder is gone and I feel no anxiety that causes issues. I'm extremely depressed and unstable though is the problem, my meds didn't do anything for my depression except the depression caused by social anxiety. Since the age of 8 I've been through various mental health professionals who have thrown all sorts of labels on me but at my core I've only gotten worse without my medication. All my interpersonal relationships are destroyed for one reason or another and I have such intense fears of abandonment i become extremely obsessive and frightful when I'm enamored with someone. My emotions go from 0-100 in an instant around people who I don't see as purely amazing or horrible. I'm suuch a dysfunctional mess and am tired of everything, I dont know what to do. I see a therapist (new one) in a few hours and hope it goes well but so far therapy has done jack shit for me and my only positive change was with adding my medicine that works.
     
  2. Flynn S

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2017
    Messages:
    185
    Likes Received:
    84
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm not sure if my advice can be of any use to you as my situation vaguely relates to yours. When I was younger, my mother (and sometimes friends and teachers) would always describe me as shy. They used to have competitions to see who could get me to talk the most. This was from the ages of roughly 11/12 till about 16. I never necessarily described myself as shy. I still don't. But I do have social anxiety and I am an introvert (I think?), but most people now wouldn't describe me that way. Anyway, for a long time I struggled with relationships and, because of my upbringing, harbored fears of abandonment. Sometimes I would become extremely depressed when my friends didn't invite me to do things with them or when I would have to miss a party for some other engagement. I dealt with this by attaching myself to my own being - I am always me and no one can ever take me away from myself. That gave me a bit of security, albeit sounding a trifle narcissistic. Writing also helped a lot. The characters I would create in short stories and novels would always be somewhat of a mystery. I would know all their secrets but everyone else could only speculate. It gave me a sense of - er - superiority, I suppose, to think, 'well, I know more than you.' That helped with my social anxiety. It tended to work in real life too - I would actively try not to explain every detail about myself, as I was used to do. Instead, I would remain somewhat mysterious. If people were interested, it made them want to know me better (like a tease, I guess), which made them actively seek me out rather than I seeking them all the time, and thus made me feel more confident. It's sort of like a good joke: if it's subtle enough, it's funny, but when you full on explain everything about it, it's sort of useless and falls flat. I'm not sure if this is good advice or not, but internally embracing both your good and bad qualities might help with your depression and attachment issues. I'm not a therapist and know very little about psychology, but I'd like to think the reason most people struggle with maintaining healthy relationships is because they're not fully comfortable with themselves.
     
    Serperior likes this.