I feel his pain..... Need advice

How did you find out? Do you know that he's bi and not gay, etc.?

One concern I have here is that if he is as self-loathing, alcohol-dependent, and prone to anger as you say, then it frankly may not be safe to tell him that you know he is something other than straight (especially depending on how you found out, which is why I ask). Ultimately, if he hasn't come out to you, it's probably because he's not comfortable with you knowing...which means that telling him you know might not go so well.

If you want to try to help, I might encourage him to see a counselor, or otherwise confide in a good friend or family member (if he has one that you think would be LGBT friendly, you could steer him that direction, perhaps). But if things are as you say, I don't know if there's much you will be able to do yourself.

So, do what you feel like you can within those limits, but otherwise also think of your own safety.

 

Hello Empathy62! Welcome to EC!

Unfortunately this is little that you can or should do for him unless he Comes Out to you and asks for your help. His sexual orientation is his really business alone, so it would not be appropriate for you to confront him about it. In fact, if you were to confront him about it, you risk the very real possibility of causing an irreparable rift between the two of you.

However, if you want to increase the possibility that he may voluntarily Come Out to you, the best thing that you can do is to show through words and actions that you are supportive of the LGBTQ community (for example, making postive/pro-LGBTQ comments whenever LGBTQ issues come up on the news or in casual conversation; if you have an other LGBTQ friends, maybe make a point of inviting them to a social function like dinner or a cookout or a party; etc).

I would tell you, honestly, that there is SO much biphobia out there (both from the heterosexual and homosexual communities), that I don't blame ANY bisexual for hiding their true sexuality. For myself, I am out to pretty much all of my friends, family and many acquaintances. However, in any serious relationship, my policy is to wait to be open with my partner once we have an established relationship and he or she knows me well enough that we would be considering a long-term relationship.In my experience straight women can be extremely homophobic. Many straight women will automatically turn down or dump a guy who is openly bisexual and who, thus, may have been 'with' or want to be 'with' other guys. Homosexual men tend to have a different slant. They tend to be insecure about the relationship with a bisexual man, thinking that they cannot every truly 'satisfy' their bisexual boyfriend and that he is likely to leave when he 'feels some need' for a relationship with a woman in order to make up for whatever it is that the homosexual partner can't provide. All of this is BS and individuals do things for individual reasons so stupid stereotypes like these only tend to cut short potentially strong, long-term relationship possibilities.

Sorry for the rant.

My 2cents.

 

What you ask is a very difficult question. I can relate to your partner because from age 12-13 to 44 his life sounds like mine. A little piece of your soul gets twisted until you think you are less than your really are, which is complete BS. I think it all has to start with self acceptance, at least it did for me, I finally feel free.
Dean

 

Your approach on reveal all to partner after relationship, is really deceitful. You would rather be in a relationship with a biphobic individual than with someone that loves you for you, from the start?

I hope thats not the advice you give other young lgbt people, growing up in a more accepting time as now. It will only lead them to having repetitions of painful, unhealthy relationships.

Also OP your sadly already feeling like your husband is unhappy, its also affecting your conscience. Thats not healthy, especially when you have learnt of such a secret but he doesnt want to open up to you about his whole self, relationships, regardless of what orientation are based on trust, honesty, openness and respect. If one already denies to open such an important part of them, that does affect your lives, id say equally do think about yourself as you hope he may include you in his life. If it never happens, even if it may be hard and tough to say this, dont lose your soul in the process of thinking your helping, give him his space and occupy yourself with other interests and likes.

 

@Destroyed

That's a complete misinterpretation if what I said. I would never want to be in a relationship with someone who is biphobic. I only said that I want to give any relationship a chance to see if there may be true mutual love there before risking the possibility that an ignorant biphobia ends a relationship 'reflexively' before it has a chance to start.

I believe that most homophibia, b\iphobia, and transphobia exists because of ignorance. In my experience, two of the best ways for someone to overcome of one these phobias are through education and direct experience. I.e. getting to know a homosexual, bisexual or transsexual person in real life. That can have the significant effect of helping the 'phobic' person to realize just how many of the common stereotypes and false 'arguments' that they use to justify their phoiba in their head are completely wrong. People can change. Homophobia, biphobia and transphobia are learned. They can potentially be unlearned.


@Empathy62

This is completely true, but this is a journey that he has to make on his own. You can't try to 'force' him in any way or speed him along. You can only be there for him when he asks for support on this issue and show him, as I said, that he can expect you to be supportive by showing your acceptance of LGBTQ-people and issues.

 

Not sure how your lives will unfold,

keep showing love and support
like you have

I just hope life treats you both well

 

Hey @Empathy62,

I wasn't comparing my personal 'policy' directly to your situation. I was just trying to provide a different perspective. Your relationship with him has gone very, very far beyond the point where I would have Come Out to a potential long-term partner. However, I have also understood and accepted my sexuality for over 25 years, while it's unclear that your friend has truly accepted his sexuality.

In your case, it sounds like you are finding it too hard to deal with him being being in the closet (both to himself - most likely - and to you). This is an extremely tough situation and only you can decide what you want to do about it. It does sound like he's been a very good friend to you over the years. I was really just saying that if you choose to confront him about his sexuality or use it as the make/break point in your relationship with him, you stand a very real chance of losing him as a friend forever.

I have also re-read your original post and given it more thought. There are really two issues here. You stated up front in the title of this thread and at the beginning of your original post that your main focus is on helping him accept his sexuality so that he can he comfortable with who he really is and be able to be authentic. That is truly admirable, but as I've said in my comments, not something that you can or should directly interfere with.

The second point, which I really overlooked initially, is the fact that you have evidence that he has cheated on you with another man. If the two of you have decided to be in an exclusive/monogamous relationship, his cheating is a problem that you could/should bring up. It doesn't matter if he's cheating on you with a man or another woman. It violates your trust and results in an unhealthy relationship. If things reach a breaking point for you (emotionally) and you choose to bring this up and have a heart-to-heart with him about your relationship, perhaps you could focus on the fact that he cheated on you and show him that you accept his sexuality by intentionally dismissing who it was (the gender of the person) with whom he cheated.

For now, though I think that you've come to a good decision:

Just my thoughts.

I wish you both all the best!

 

Empathy, Sorry for the late reply, I had to ponder your questions for awhile. I think even back then, I would have been totally freaked out, today maybe not so much. I am out to only a couple of people, but I am ok with who I am to myself, the most important person.
Remember, when we were in our teens and 20's, even 30's society dictated what was and was not acceptable. Even though the "rules" have relaxed in some parts of the country old "thinking" is very hard to overcome.

I know it's hard to watch but his journey is one that he has to take alone, You could suggest counseling for his drinking, maybe he would tell some else what's going on in a private setting....it's a hard thing. I wouldn't bring up the sexual part quite yet. I think a wait and see position is best, make a plan so if it gets brought up and it doesn't go well you will have a place and income and know where you are at.

Dean

 

I have learned dark secrets of friends by accident and faced a similar dilemma. In the end I adopted the policy of not doing anything about it unless I was deliberately trusted with the secret. To apply to your case, I would not address the issue.

However, you have an alternative way to address the issue. You mentioned that from his behavior it is pretty obvious he has some emotional baggage: drinking, outbursts of rage and vengefulness. You have told him he should deal with his issues but it seems he has not wanted to address it. You can and you should encourage him to deal with his issues. It doesn't mean he should talk to you but he should talk to someone, preferably a therapist. It is unlikely that sexual confusion is his only issue - no one cuts ties with their family if there wasn't something wrong with the family to begin with. Just make sure you talk to him when he is sober and in a relatively good mood.

I hope this helps.