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I feel happy today

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Dec 12, 2018.

  1. baristajedi

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    hi friends. I know I keep writing new posts, and it’s likely getting a bit overkill, but I’m feeling good right now and felt like sharing.

    I suppose I’m feeling a combination of things. To make the perspective really clear - my life isn’t perfect, I’m worried about my daughter. And I’m still hurting from my breakup, and I’m sure that will take a long time to heal. But, for my daughter, I know we will get through all of what she’s struggling with. It’s going to take a lot of work but her dad and I are in this together, we will make sure she’s ok. The hurt from my breakup, it’s just a fact, there’s a lot of pain there but it will heal in time, and I’m good at getting through stuff so I know I will come out stronger and happier and clearer than ever.

    Here’s where my shift in feelings is coming from.... a lot of the last year in my relationship with my ex, when things were traumatic and difficult and I was feeling unloved and the environment didn’t feel great for my daughter, I often had the thought in the back of my mind that there was a different path that I should have been on, and that path looked a lot like the one I’m on now. It’s how I envisioned my life when I decided to separate from my husband, I envisioned that I would be living near my daughter’s dad (we’ll be moving into a flat very soon right around the corner from him), I would be dating around, having quiet time a lot of the time for myself and have loads of time to focus on my daughter. Obviously I feel shit about the fact that my daughter had to go through this double set of changes and I regret only that part of the relationship with my ex, I wish we hadn’t lived together basically, for my daughter’s sake. But you can’t change the past, I can only move forward and help her heal.

    Anyway, when my ex broke up with me and we moved out, one of my earliest thoughts was, well now I can be on the right path, this is the path I should have been on anyway. That thought was really strong and real, but obviously layered on top of it was so much pain and anger and heartbreak.

    I’m not over those feelings, but I am making progress, and I think I’m also feeling honestly just very very lucky to have the life I have. I have needed this life for all of my life. I have needed to be able to be out, to explore who I am, to be myself, to embrace my sexuality. And while I was able to do that *with* my ex girlfriend for a bit, it was never the right path for me to be her life partner. I’m finally at the place I should be. Where I can explore and embrace who I am. And lucky for me, I have a massive support system in all my queer friends, and my daughter’s dad.

    I think the fact that I’m finally reaching a fun part in meeting women helps a lot, I am feeling really good about the way it’s feeling having these conversations with new women and looking forward to seeing where all of that goes.

    I’m hurting but i will be fine, I’ll heal. And the healing process will be rich and rewarding in itself, and will be a source of growth. I’m insly breaking out of the fog, this fog of explosive difficulties in my life... my coming out journey took me down paths I didn’t expect, but here I am now, finally starting my life, embracing my sexuality and gender and creating my new path. Life is so good.
     
  2. SevnButton

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    Hi @baristajedi! I'm happy today too! so your post caught my eye. Here's why I'm happy: I'm alive, I get to experience consciousness, there's air for me to breathe and music to listen to. Sorry if I'm getting too esoteric. I watched some online presentations that really resonated with me. Here's what I got: as long as I'm waiting for things to make me happy, I'm likely to be disappointed much of the time. Real happiness comes from within, so it's not the things in my life that make me happy so much as it is the way I choose to regard those things. My natural state includes happiness and joy, but I make the mistake of allowing events to distract me from that. Remembering all that is good is the best way to deal with all that isn't good.
     
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  3. SevnButton

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    Here here! :slight_smile: This line really speaks to me.
     
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  4. Peterpangirl

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    Such a lot to think about. I find your posts really constructive, Baristajedi! Yesterday was very mixed for me. My ex girlfriend has decided to block me on What's App. I hadn't been in contact since Sunday as we finally agreed and somehow this really hurt. I texted her to ask whether this was really necessary. She replied saying she had done it because she was becoming obsessed with my "last seen" and "online" status. She admits she is struggling to let me go. She's burying herself in work, feels very, very tired, wishes she'd never come out and doesn't want to experience pain. I offered some words of advice about working through pain and she told me I had always been more emotionally mature than her. She told me "I do miss you". I didn't reply but left it at that.....I cannot go there with her now as I'm trying to move on. It's interesting that she is wanting me again now that I am gradually getting stronger........Then I went out and met a woman who is gay/bi and in a relationship with another woman. She's just moved to the city and is keen to make friends. And we actually laughed at some of the things that have been said between my ex and I, not in a cruel way, but seeing a funny, crazy side. And suddenly I realised that I hadn't laughed like that or been silly for quite a while - certainly not since the split. And I surprised myself that I found humour even in my traumatic breakup. Laughing is wonderful. It is so cathartic. And I feel grateful to my new friend for making me laugh.
     
    #4 Peterpangirl, Dec 12, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2018
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  5. looking for me

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    my friend, you're getting there. it took me a couple years to get to where you are now. im soo happy for you.
     
  6. UMedusa

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    We can be sad, and still be OK. :slight_smile: I'm happy for you right now. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. xo