I feel dead inside.

I know you guys who responded are just trying to help, sorry for being awful and complaining about everything.

 

It's ok man, I doubt anyone minds, we know you're just struggling and you have the right to express pessimism about it when you need to.

Just to add onto my other comment though, I don't only hang out with people my age - I know graduate students and young professors that are in their late 20's and early 30's who still can have fun and make friends etc. even when most of them moved here without knowing anyone in the city. There's always hope that things will get better and that you'll make new friends to spend time with.

 

Maybe because they are used in the wrong cases. Serotonin syndrome just doesn’t happen (unless you take like a week or month dose at once) and let’s be honest: you don’t feel like having sex anyway. Suiscide... not going to happen if you are controlling youself. Weight: you’ll loose it once you stop the drug. Antidepressants aren’t a panaceum, but in my experience they help with fatalism and lack od resilience like yours. Just take that into consideration. You don’t have to believe me, of course. But just a thought to discuss with a doctor or someone else that you trust. I wouldn’t be walking around and supporting taking drugs normally. But they work exactly in situations like yours. That someone can make it if they only had more resilience and drive. Which they don’t have at the moment because of negative emotional situation. Just... consider it. Try the drugs. Wait some two-three weeks and see if they work or not. If not, just give them up.

 

It's over. I messed up my life. I missed the boat. The best I had to offer is gone and I didn't use it, what difference does it make whether I'm depressed or delusionally contented. I wish I had the courage to just end it all right now. I let the assholes in my life win, they're probably all living reasonably happy lives, they did it all. And I lost. I'm a loser.

 

I'm sorry you feel that way man, but it's really not true. If you were like 60 it would be different but you're still in your 20's and can change whatever you want about your life still. I think you really over-estimate how much other people enjoyed their younger years. Being a teenager sucks for everyone pretty much, so you're not even abnormal there, and the early 20's also kinda sucks for a lot of people based on circumstances so that's not that unique either. Some people get married when they're 18, never do anything because their partner does everything for them, then when the relationship ends they're exactly where you're at now anyway restarting their life. There are many examples like this.

Stop telling yourself you wasted your life and go use the rest of your youth before you really do waste it. Biologically speaking men reach their physical peak at about 35, so as far as fitness and stuff you're not even close to missing out on that yet. For relationships, it's extremely common for gay guys to not come out until their mid-late 20's anyway so you're not that far behind there either.

You definitely need to move away from wherever you live though - that place seems to really depress you and hold you back. I don't know how Europe works, but the most straightforward way to reset your life in the United States is to move away to go to a university and study whatever you want with student loans to take care of the financing part of it. You can change your life literally however you want by doing that, because you get to pick a new location, a new career, and an entirely new social group of your choice in just a few years which you can then build on for the rest of your life. The age thing isn't a big deal - I encounter lots of first time university students in their mid-20's, often military veterans, and they still have great social lives and fit in.