Hi. I would like to first point out that English is not my first language, sorry for any misunderstandings. Anyway, I have been struggling with the idea of having children lately. I'm a 16-year-old girl, so it definitely isn't going to happen very soon. That doesn't help the fact that it is already causing a lot of stress for me. I'm not straight, and I think I might be a lesbian. I'm not sure yet though. One thing that I'm sure about is that I would want to have children one day. I can not imagine a happy future without kids. What if the love of my life happens to be a woman? Will my children suffer a lot from the abstinence of a father? I have been thinking about these things for a while now, but today things really escalated. I had an argument with my mother, who thinks that a child needs both father and a mother. Both of us became very angry. At some point she read the story of Heather Barwick. I've actually read something about her already, and it made me feel really sad. But hearing it from my mother, I could not take it. I went to my room and cried my eyes out. I felt sick to my stomach, almost like I could vomit. I really really want children. I also think that if I end up with a woman, starting a family would be an unethical choice. I don't want them to live their lives feeling like something is missing. I feel like I'm trapped. I could really use some comforting words right now.
Hello there, As far as I know, there's no scientific evidence that supports the idea that children need a father and a mother. On the contrary, we have a considerable number of examples of children who have other types of family (two fathers, two mothers, a single mother, etc.) and are totally healthy, mentally and physically. By the way, this is something people frequently forget when defending the idea that children need a father/mother: There are many straight parents who raise their kids alone. For instance, a mother that raises her son/daughter after breaking up with her husband (or after the husband died). Just like in any other case, there are kids who will have issues and others that will grow up healthly, but the final result isn't related to the presence or absence of a father or mother. In other words: What matters is how the children are raised, not the gender of their parents. A child who grows up in a household that provides love, acceptance, discipline, physical resources (like food) and other necessary elements will most likely grow without huge issues. On the other hand, a child who is abandoned by his/her parents (completely or emotionally), having to deal with violence and unacceptance on a daily basis, will have a really hard time growing up. A straight couple who doesn't provide love and other necessary elements to their kids won't be better than a gay couple who loves and supports their kids. Other members who are more familiar with the latest research may confirm what I have said, but, as far as I know, the argument of children needing a male and female model in their parents to grow up healthy is bullshit, and doesn't actually makes sense. On the contrary, when parents are too concerned about stereotypes, things are much more harmful. The straight father who yells at his son because he doesn't want his son to "act gay" and the straight mother who yells at her daughter because she wants to cut her hair short are much more likely to cause trouble than the gay father/lesbian mother who is willing to listen and talk to his/her kids. Love is what matters most, not gender. When the time comes in your future, if you and your wife wants to have/adopt kids, and you both feel that you are ready for it, then that can be a great thing. What will determine if you both are going to be good parents or not isn't the fact that two women are raising a child, but how you will raise, educate and support him/her.
I say this with all of the wisdom of someone who has no children, but wouldn’t they also likely have other men in their lives? Grandparents, uncles, male family friends, male teachers, male coaches, etc? Maybe they could even have a relationship with their genetic dad depending on how things go? You’re not going to be raising them in a vacuum.
Hey there. I’m so sorry that you’ve been struggling. My girlfriend also has always wanted children and when she was first coming out to herself she really struggled with that because she thought that she wouldn’t be able to have them or if she did that it would be much more difficult for her. But we both have worked this out together and we’re planning to adopt. You CAN absolutely have children as a lesbian. All your children need are parents who love them, it doesn’t matter what gender you or your partner are.
1. As was noted in an earlier post, your future children will likely have other male figures in their lives, if not their biological father. 2. In my country, many people who opt for alternative family arrangement do co-parenting, including many LGBT people. This means that the children grow up knowing their biological father and with him being involved in their lives. 3. Even if the biological father was not part of their lives - what children need is a consistent, stable, nurturing care-taking figure. No reason why a same-sex couple won’t be able to give that to them. Not being straight doesn’t mean your kids will suffer. When the time comes, you will have plenty of options on how to create the best life possible for your future kids. Take care.
All studies shows that kids from lgbt parents do not feel like they "miss" anything. One reason is because all they know is that they have loving parents that want them and take care of them. You can't really miss something that you 1) don't know what is like 2) you don't feel a need to miss it. But, at your age I know that no studies or any data would make me feel better. So for now, we have the internet! Here is some videos interviewing lgbt families. There are so many out there and lgbt families that you can follow if you so want. That is what truly helped me at your age. There are some studies that suggest that kids from lgbt parents do have to deal with bullying from it, but that is on society and not on the families. Its way more normal and simply than you might think! You can have the beautiful family that you are imagining. Its okay
Yeah, my sister in law was amused because my nephew’s new friend at school last fall has two moms. He didn’t mention it because it didn’t occur to him that it was even a big deal (and they live in the south). And the one two mom house I know where I live now, the kids see their dads on the regular, granted I don’t know details on how that came to be. (Not my business) I get the impression younger generations are more and more used to seeing it so it’s becoming less and less of a thing. That could just be anecdotal though.
I work and live with LGBT+ families, I see and know lots of kids with 2 mumd/2 dads or a trans parent and all of them are thriving. They don't care for what they don't know and have plenty of male/female figures around if need be. They only care that they are loved and looked after!
What matters most is raising the child in a loving, nurturing environment, being around and showing you care. As for having a family in general... if you adopt, those kids are lucky to have anyone at all, and if you choose to go with impregnation, if you really feel a father is necessary they can remain part of the childs life. I have a few friends, no names here of course, that have an arrangement. My lesbian friends act as surrogates for a gay couple, and that same couple donate so they can have a family, with each couple serving as godparents and uncle/aunts for the other. Its a good system. Besides, a male role model is only a good thing if the male involved is decent. Just having the ability to sire children doesnt make the cut. An uncle, grandpa, older male cousin, even a friend or teacher can serve that role just as well.
There are actually some studies that show that, on the whole, kids raised by gay or lesbian parents are often slightly better adjusted than those raised by heterosexual parents. It is theorized that this is because LGBT parents have to work really hard to become parents (surrogates, adoption, foster parenting, etc) and thus these parents have to really, really want kids. This isn't always the case with hetero couples.
Above quote made me think of this episode haha But again, you have nothing to worry about. You won’t be doing your kids any harm
Children need caregivers who love them, pay attention to them, encourage them, etc. It does not matter if that is provided by one, two, or more adults. I remember seeing advertisements from foster and adoption agencies which noted you don’t have to be a perfect parent either. How quickly we forget the number of families where the father (and sometimes mothers too) died in war. Didn’t Finland suffer casualties in World War II? Children raised by widows, in a network of Aunts & Uncles, Grandpaprents, etc.? In my family history in my Grandfather’s story, the father died, and the children were raised by the widow, with help from extended family, and one sibling was “farmed out” to a neighbor/friend family (and that relative seemed just fine in adulthood, everyone was in fact). I think the poverty was most of the challenge, not the lack of a father. I agree with the above responses that the quality of love is more important.
