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I don't want to carry on

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by lottaotter, Jun 9, 2022.

  1. DragonChaser

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    I didn't write that seeking advice, and I apologize if what I said made you in anyway feel useless! I was merely trying to let you know I identify with what you're going through to a very personal degree, and it's still not worth letting go of!

    And, yeah, it's logical to find soothing and comfort in ugly things when all you feel is ugliness inside. "They don't understand, they won't listen, they treat me like I'm weak, but I'm just hurting, and if they won't listen, I'll hurt them back" is actually a very human response. To the point we've dedicated an entire field of study to it; which is what brings me to a central point here, and forgive me if you've mentioned and I'm just misremembering, but do you have a therapist?

    If not, it's worth it. It'll help you. I know. Every time I've had one, I've done better, been stronger, been more honest and more brave, and when I've been without, I've been terrified that everyone's going to knife me in the back. Talk therapy helps EVERYONE who has mental illness or just feelings they're struggling with, and all of medical science is in agreement on this. Reflection and perspective help, so please seek them out.

    God knows I'm starving for both right now myself.

    Also, I didn't at all feel like you were arguing with me, I recognized you were expressing concerns with the perspective that I'd shown. For that I'm sorry, that was ill-conceived of me, but you don't want to hurt the people you love, is my point. You just need to figure some things out.

    I've got some poking around to do later for a video that offered me some perspective. I've been looking for it for so long...

    Please, if you have time, watch this at least. It's not the one I was hunting for, but it talks about the same problems and methods being used to find solutions. It's just a beginning insight, but I know it offered me a lot of perspective about myself and other people.
     
    #21 DragonChaser, Jun 11, 2022
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2022
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  2. lottaotter

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    Oh, no you didn't make me feel useless- it was more me making myself feel that way. Just wanted to clarfy that bit, but otherwise do you mind if I take a bit to reply- it will probably be tomorrow or later now as I'm just really tired now and have busy days ahead.

    I'm sorry if that seems rude, I really do appreciate your reply and everone else's.

    Thank you.
     
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  3. chicodeoro

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    Yes, I had one like that. This was Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which was what I got via an NHS provider...ooh almost 15 years ago. It was useless, just someone wagging their fingers at me saying I should do this or do that.

    If you want counselling that is actually going to dig digger and you need it now, you may need to pay for it (sadly).

    Course you're worth something! How do I know? You've got half a dozen LGTBQ+ strangers from around the world who care about you interacting with you - us.

    It's clear though that you haven't had the affirmation you've needed in your life so far and that's been really damaging. So...to use an ol' cliche, go to where the love is. Don't hang around, or at least keep at arms' length, people who don't think you're fabulous (including your parents). Develop a support network of people who do accept you, both online and in real life. Unless you've got a personality disorder, confidence is not something you're born with. It's a forcefield we build up gradually through our interactions with other people. You can start with us here - we think you're brilliant, and incredibly brave to have faced up to yourself and what's happened in your past. (Many people never do.)

    Big hugs,
    Beth x
     
  4. TinyWerewolf

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    I really hope the panic attacks get better for you. I'm not sure how to stop them exactly.

    That's a good start @lottaotter , keep it up! I know what you mean there with that feeling- and it sucks. For me it's with clothing I like, namely anything flowy, has flowers on it, or pink. I know it comes from things my family has said to me but I beat myself up over it a lot. Anytime those bad thoughts and self criticisms pop up, recognize them and then mentally tell them they're wrong. An example from my life: 'You're too feminine to be a man.' 'It's just a piece of fabric that I like, that doesn't make me a woman for liking it.' It takes time but it started working for me. I wore a flower print kimono with my boots today and I liked it. Start doing the same with those negative thoughts and see if it helps.

    Queer spaces are specifically for people like you, wthat makes you feel out of place there? Not a rhetorical question, I'm genuinely curious.

    You can sniff out whether they're genuine by taking a few sessions to analyze things and see if they feel like a fit. If they're not a fit, find another therapist.
     
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  5. lottaotter

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    I am not seeing a therapist regularly now, no. I saw one a while ago twice and while she seemed better than the previous 3 I'd seen over the years (each for around 8 sessions), I still feel like I haven't made progress. It must be something I'm doing wrong, or that I'm just unhealable by now. I will look into an LGBT-specific therapist this week. I would like to talk to someone, I just hope they take me seriously and understand that I need to find long-term solutions, not just brush me off.

    OK, thanks, I will have a look at this.
     
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  6. lottaotter

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    That's OK- I've always found CBT to be rather 'surface level' too. A bit like 'Ooh you're depressed? Have you tried not being depressed hmm?? It's terribly inconvenient for me if you want to kill yourself so would you mind if I just say you feel fine on this form here?' etc. etc. I've always gone private and unforunately although it's expensive, it has got to the stage where I am prepared to throw money at it. I did try accessing care through my GP and although she was wonderfully supportive, they referred me to another organisation who were not prepared to listen to anything I had to say. Not sure what the situation is like elsewhere in the UK, but sounds the same as your experience.

    Thank you very much. I am starting to think it is time to drift apart from some of the friends I've had for ages, as they just expect so much from me . They can be quite demanding and don't recipocate the help when I'm struggling.
     
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  7. lottaotter

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    That's OK. The actual panic attacks don't worry me too much- it is the near-constant feeling of dread that is worse. If anything I feel calmer after a panic attack.

    I can empathise with that about fabric- doesn't society make such a big deal out of pieces of cloth? I would love to wear more 'gay' clothing but have been shamed by straight friends in the past for it being 'too gay', 'too loud and proud', 'you're not flamboyant enough'. It seems like a silly example but I have a neckerchief I really would like to wear more often but I'm worried I'm not attractive enough to wear it :frowning2: I'm really proud of you for wearing your flower-print kimono because here in the UK cis straight people seem to be all copies of each other nowadays with the identical clothes. It makes me happy when I see someone wearing something different- it makes me feel they'd probably be a good and interesting person.

    I feel out of place in queer spaces because I feel I'm too poor, from a working class background (not sure if that term is used in the US but basically means poorer people), not educated about gay history/rights, not political enough (I'm not super left-wing either compared to most gays around here), not conventionally attractive, not aware of my sexuality early enough (a 'late bloomer'...ugh, hate that term), not enough experience with sex, drugs, parties, nightclubs, not enough interest in those things.

    Yes, I suppose it is trial and error. I am worried that I'm doing something wrong or am un-help-able because I've been to a few different therapists now. There must be something in the way I express myself to them. I don't know how to get them to take me seriously.
     
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  8. TinyWerewolf

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    Impending sense of dread- I know that all too well as anxiety. I struggle with it. Have you ever been diagnosed with anxiety?

    Thank you. :slight_smile: Wear what you want to, I know that's easier said than done, so maybe work your way up to it? Try something small first, like the neckerchief you mentioned. Or maybe a bracelet. Just start out by trying it on in your room, then maybe your house, then outside the house. If the negative stuff crops up (either in your own thoughts or from your friends), tell them to get used to this because this is the real you. Again easier said than done, but I really think it would be worth a shot to try.

    To answer your curiosity, the term isn't foreign to the U.S. by any means. There are some party animals out there, some who know all about the history, some who are on the left wing as far as you can get, some who knew young, and some who are rich- but just because you may differ than that doesn't mean you're any less gay or any less of a man. You deserve to be there as much as anyone, the queer spaces are meant for all types of LGBTQIA+ people from all walks of life.

    You're not unhelpable or a hopeless case- two months isn't very long in therapy honestly. Improvement takes a while, a long while. Don't look for CBT though, that won't be much help for you.
     
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  9. lottaotter

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    I've never sought a diagnosis at all, actually. I went to the doctor's before lockdown and never went through with it as there was an issue with my blood test results meaning I needed to have them re-done. The again late last year. Both times the doctor was fantastic- couldn't have been more helpful or understanding - but I was then referred onto another organisation who did another questionnaire over the phone with me. I didn't get the impression that they were professional, or really listening, so I chose not to pursue it. The only course of action they recommeneded was going to be sending me to social anxiety groups. I'm not therapist, but I felt it was tackling the symptoms of the 'illness' rather than the root cause. I do feel I'm narrowing down on the root cause thanks to conversations with people like you here, and I think it is a lack of self-esteem/self-worth/self-confidence stemming from early childhood events that have had a lasting effect on me because of being at a vulnerable time in my life. But I need professional help to solve this root cause now.

    Thank you. I am going to try to wear it more often. It seems silly to attach so much significance to such a small piece of clothing, but it does mean a lot to me. I was the same when I had piercings, and with tattoos, and my facial hair. Well I suppose I don't need to explain that kind of thing to a trans guy! - you would understand better than most! :slight_smile:

    I am going to try to explain to whichever therapist(s) I end up seeing this time that this is a long-term project.

    Thank you for your support :slight_smile:
     
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  10. TinyWerewolf

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    That'll do it to you- I know my anxiety has likely been caused (or at the very least made much worse) by a multitude of factors, namely being bullied for eight years. I won't get into specifics of what happened, but I'm far more wary than I used to be. I still sometimes have to remind myself to take deep breaths and calm down just running into the main grocery store in this town to pick up a few things. That example is pretty much when my anxiety is at its worst these days, but you get the point. I've made my way through some of my anxiety triggers by positive exposure (keyword: positive). That method does work to treat the symptoms, like you mentioned, which is likely why they reccommended the group to you. You were also right about that not treating the root cause- and the best way to get through that will be therapy. Treating the symptoms will improve your life, but treating the root of the problem in tandem will be even better. For some medication is necessary for anxiety, I can't say as to whether or not you'd need for sure though since I'm not a professional. Try to make an appointment with a psychologist and have them do a diagnostic test on you though, I think it would be immensely helpful to you.

    I completely understand why that would be a big deal to you. I want a suit and some actual men's clothing so badly- and I actually own a tie (and a bomber jacket that's a size too big). It's the one piece of men's clothing I own and like. That white, wide tapered tie holds significance for me (even though it doesn't look the best on me), I wish I could still wear it. I was slightly scared but proud to wear it, it made me just a bit happier. So I get why the clothes and neckerchief would be significan't for you, that's how you'd like to present yourself and show the world who you are.

    I think that's a good idea. :slight_smile: And of course! You needed to be reminded you're wanted in this world, don't forget it either.
     
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  11. chicodeoro

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    Believe me, LottaOtter, a LOT of gay men wear conventional, 'dull' clothes - my brother for one. I also have gay friends who wear outrageously colourful fluoro clothing. And many whose style lands somewhere in between.

    The key to a lot of this is being comfortable in your own skin. I get the impression this is something you've struggled with a lot down the years. The things you've mentioned above are cliches, to an extent; there is no off the peg 'gay' lifestyle. The wonderful thing about human beings is that we aren't cliches (well, most of us aren't). It's the jagged, not-quite-right bits of people's lives and personalities that makes them interesting. Instead of thinking of the things that you aren't, concentrate on the things that you are, the wonderful things that make you you. I bet there are loads.

    Hugs, Beth x
     
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  12. hopefulhoundess

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    Just wanted to say I can empathize. I’m dealing with this stuff right now, too.
     
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  13. lottaotter

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    I don't know if i should update but I'm already at this stage again. Feeling hopless and can't even be beothered to eat. Soemthing happened last night hich proved again how much I suck as a human being, completey worthless compared to iother gay people. All i wat is to be normal like them , enjoying drinking and partying and being clever and being talented at art or something, good-looking etc. etc. I really thought I could make it this time, what the hell is wrong with me? Afetr rejections from two lgbt therapists (who I can't see anyway because they only do online sessions) I feel thees no hope. I hate myself especialy fr being so ungratefu for allt he help here andf so whiny
     
  14. Rayland

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    You are not worthless and you do not suck. Not enjoying the same things as others do not show that you are not normal. We are all unique. It would be boring if we all would be the same.

    Don't be so hard on yourself. Sometimes things just go differently than you wish to and that's all okay. Take small steps. If one approach don't work, then there are always other ways. You got this. Sending warm hugs your way.
     
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  15. lottaotter

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    Thanks for your reply. I want to apologise for how I was yesterday with putting such a negative post here again. I now know it was probably a bad reaction to some new hay-fever medication that it seems causes a lot of people to have a flare-up of depressive symptoms. Thank you :slight_smile:
     
  16. Rayland

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    There is no need to apologize. It's completely okay to vent here.
     
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  17. lottaotter

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    Thank you.