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I dont know who iam

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Leynz45, Jul 2, 2020.

  1. Leynz45

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    I have tried to mastrubate to gay porn to know who iam.The problem is i struggle with my sexuality.

    So i tried for 15 minutes and and my dick was half stiff but i felt nothing.It felt like iam mastrubating to nothing.I felt nothing.I tried to mastrubate harder but it didnt help me.After that i watched straight porn and came after 3 minutes
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi and welcome to EC,

    Porn isn’t a reliable indicator of sexuality because it’s designed to turn people on, and the more people, the bigger the potential audience.

    Your own fantasies would be a more reliable indicator, or who catches your eye when you’re out and about, or who you’re generally attracted to.
     
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  3. Leynz45

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    My fantasies scares me.
    I see everytime in brain that i want to sucking dicks but i dont like it.If i see a good looking men that said to me you must be automatically gay.Before all this happened i had lots of fantasies about girls.I am not homophobic person but i want a future with girl not with a man.The problem is my brain tells me everday that iam gay.
    Everday the question are you gay.When i focused on it to strong it feels like real but its very painfull.
     
  4. LostInDaydreams

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    I think you can notice that somebody is good looking without necessarily being attracted to them.

    Can you pick apart when or why your fantasies changed?
     
  5. chris123

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    I'm kinda going through the same thing. Do you feel anxiety with these thoughts? Are they on your mind all the time?

    For me I grew up with fantasies while masturbating about girls only. Now, I try to fantasise about guys but it doesn't do it for me, but I feel like I have some kind of anxiety/unconscious block towards it that's stopping me, because my brain is telling me I want to be with a guy and I'm lying to myself.
     
  6. Leynz45

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    I think it was with 15.I saw a picture of a guy and had a question am i attracted to them.It changed all.I had suddenly fear when i saw every good looking man.I cant imagine a sexual way with a man but my brain told me every day the same.Iam not homophobic and i have no negative oppinion about the LGBT.Nobody dont want thinks what they dont make him happy.Its everyday over 20 hours in my brain.I look on
     
  7. LostInDaydreams

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    If it’s troubling you to the extent that it’s impacting your day-to-day life, and I imagine that 20 hours per day would, then I think you need to seriously consider therapy in order to unpick what’s going on.
     
    #7 LostInDaydreams, Jul 4, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2020
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  8. Leynz45

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    My day begins everytime same.

    After i wake up i get an erection and automatically i get this gay thoughts.After that i watch pictures from womans to test me that i am get a boner from a woman after that i look pictures of attractive men.Its feels different.Iam not arousal but every movement of my dick is for me a prove that iam might be gay.I make different test like fantasies like gay fantasies to know if iam like it.But i dont like it .My dick is not to hard to get an erection from a boy.If i get fantasy about a girl thats
     
  9. Leynz45

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    Sorry for dp i send my test by a mistake.
    So when i get an fantasy about a girl its feels so good and i get very fast an arousal.I want to this tests everytime.If i dont do that i feel very in fear.
    When i want to chill i get automatically the thought youre life is a lie you are gay and you must be leave your family for a man.Every emotion is a prove that iam gay.Imagine when i see a good looking friend with pretty eyes than iam afraid that my mind want to tell me that i want he as a boyfriend.I look in the public to man ass to test me am i like his butt.I tryed lots of mastrubate to gay porn or naked man.Nothing happened.I dont get to a orgasm until today.Everyday really everday the same shit in my brain.Last week i accepted that iam gay.But the accepting was to unreal because after that i had against a fear that iam gay or bisexual.
    Im really afraid that i have maybe sex with a male member.I dont want it but my brain tells me everytime that.
     
  10. Franz007

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    I would recommend you starting talking about theses issues with a good therapist.
     
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  11. Leynz45

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    My problem is.Why i control this feelings.Im not against the LGBT Community but why i cant accept that iam might be gay.I like boys as a friend but iam afraid have sexual contact with them because since my childhood i wanted a girl friend and fall in love to girls.
    I have few questions:

    Someone who is gay have a fear that he will get an arousal from a boy or make gaytests?

    Thinks he about his orientation over years everday over 10-20 years.

    I dont want make this tests but im in fear.I switch from girl pictures to boy pictures to check who give me more arousal.After that it feels for few minutes that i am straight.
    After that i watch Youtube or look at instagram and i see a good looking man or a bodybuilder than comes Question back.Why i find this guy attractive and my fear comes back.Than i search on google terms like "big dick" "hot boys" "sexy man" or mostly "gay fuck".I focus on the pictures for 10-15 min than i switch fast to terms like "hot girls" "big boobs" and iam getting instantly in few seconds an arousal.I have a fear that the arousal comes from the first terms.
    I dont get an correct answer for that.
    When iam not focussing to the thoughts like wheb iam watching a film or play games the thoughts are gone.Iam a liar ? Is this normal to discovering your sexuality?
     
  12. LostInDaydreams

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    Acceptance takes time. It’s usual for it not to arrive automatically. Accepting others being LGBT+ is different from accepting it in yourself.

    A lot, even most, people are raise with the expectation that they are straight, will get married, etc. because being heterosexual is seen as the default.

    As to the rest of your post, I think some looking at pictures to see if you’re attracted is harmless and normal. I did this once or twice, but it wasn’t particularly helpful. Outside influences can cloud your thinking and make things seem more muddled. If you are doing this on a regular basis and are finding it hard to focus on other things, then as suggested above, it would be a good idea for you to consider and research getting some therapy.
     
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  13. Leynz45

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    I had a therapy for my social phobia and my anxiety disorder gone also to my fear to be gay gone.Before i get this fear to be gay i had a fear that iam not perfect for this life because everyone is better than me.In the public i have everytime fear to do something wrong.General iam a very Afraid person.
     
  14. LostInDaydreams

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    Hopefully, therapy will be able to help with this also.
     
  15. Leynz45

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    Yeah thank you.
    I hope so that iam a good future with a wife.
    I want only be happy.Its not the denial.I know who i am and i know what i wanted before this happened.Its like a Jail in my brain.
    Its not healthy for me have a obsessed life.
     
  16. Franz007

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    Yes I agree with that. I also struggled with anxiety etc. Its not fun. I hope you will find a way where you feel good with yourself in the future. It can take some time but we all have things in our life that wont make it easy.