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I don't know what to feel honestly

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Feb 14, 2017.

  1. baristajedi

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    I have fought long and hard to be myself, to shed the things in my life that are untrue, to find real love, to be true and authentic in the way I express myself and live my life. And this journey is life long, but I'm getting to a point where I'm more and more comfortable with who I am and I know I have to nurture that person.

    I've found love, this is the first time I've ever felt alive, full, awake. It's both because I've gotten so far in my journey, and I'm really being me, and I'm not apologising anymore for my needs. And it's also because I've fallen so deeply in love with someone for the first time really. She's so special, warm, kind, amazing. She makes me feel so special as well. It feels incredible.

    But, and here's the catch; well I am at a stage where I can only offer limited time, I can't offer commitment, I know that it will be a while until I'm settled enough to seek out my long term partner. And so because I know my own limits, I decided I was ok with entering into a relationship with someone else who also can't offer long term commitment. She's in an open marriage. It's all very honest, her husband is wonderful and supportive, I'm becoming friends with him. But the emotions are strong on all sides.

    Ah, I love this woman. She's so special to me. My feelings just grow and grow, I'm feeling more and more vulnerable by the moment. That's a good thing, the vulnerability brings growth, it allows me to experience beautiful emotions that Ive never felt before. But guys, it hurt sometimes. The last few days in particular, it hurts to feel not just vulnerable to this woman but also to her husband and his concerns, his fears, his needs. I am a grown up, I can deal with limitations, I want to also be willing to take risks, eventual heartache is worth the experience of love. But I suppose I didn't expect heartache throughout... it's only happened twice now, but there have been a couple of extremely painful days, trying to deal with a sense of unknown, her husband expressed concern over certain things and we adjusted or changed our plans, and that's all good, honest and reasonable. But a part of me is so scared and hurting so much because I guess I just want to immerse myself in this love with her. And I fear so much about how present she can really be with me, and whether things will just end, abruptly and without warning.

    I've talked all this through with her and I feel her words and actions have made me feel more relaxed and positive at least for all of last night, but today I'm just feeling... so exposed emotionally, so raw and... I don't know.

    Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far.
     
    #1 baristajedi, Feb 14, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2017
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Wow! You falling in love with someone in an open relationship?? You know better than that. It's why you wrote the post. No good will come out of this, and your setting yourself up for a massive fall.
     
  3. Mj5963

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    Good morning and I can only give you my own personal experiences as an opinion. I was cheating on my wife for past several years only with guys discreetly until she caught me about five weeks ago. I must share that personally the pain is huge and deep. We have gone through the stages of anger grief and guilt and are working on it . I am in therapy myself and she soon will join couples therapy I believe . I am coming to a resolution on my sexuality which is important for me and for her if we are to see the furture together . So I can say right now on this post I will never ever ever ever do this again. If I determine I cannot live a life of monogamy I will gracefully and respectfull divorce and take care of her the rest of our lives . That is not my goal nor in my heart my intention as I see our future together. I am just working on myself and feeling better about it and cannot ever forget what i did but I have forgiven myself and now am moving forward . And she has been great as I have never debied nor blamed her along the way . Hope this helps on any way as it is my story and it is very real .
     
  4. WanderingMind

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    Hi Barista,

    I'm in love with two people. I'm happily married and non-monogamous --- both partners know about the other. Sometimes I find it can help me to listen to voices who come from a similar experience to mine. Always, I find it helps most to listen to my inner voice. I thought it might help you to have a few parts of your own message highlighted...maybe ask yourself a few questions to see if your inner voice has any words to share with your head and your heart.

    This is always lovely to experience. I'm *so glad* you're finding your truth and being you!

    Nor should you, when your needs are to be yourself, to find real love, to be true and authentic in the way your express yourself and live your life. I mean, if you needed something destructive, that's different! But those are all beautiful things to recognize and bring to life. The trick is asking yourself, "What *are* my needs?" --- and answering that question honestly.

    Here, you highlight that you have needs now that you anticipate will change later. Right now, you need a relationship that permits you to hold some pieces of yourself back. You also allude to seeking out a long term partner at some point in the future, once your current needs to balance time and commitment shift to a new place.

    It sounds to me like you're pretty certain that the long term partner you dream of and your current partner, who you love very much, aren't the same person. Does that make sense? When you look ahead to a place in your life when you can offer full-time love and commitment, do you see your current relationship lasting within the limits it has now (and might always have...although relationships do shift), or do you see it ending?

    Another aspect you bring up here is that even if your answer to my earlier question is that you'd want your current relationship to continue, her partner holds as much control as anyone within the equation. Right now, this helps meet your needs for limits. Do you think that you'll feel less fear/heartache/hurt related to this issue once you have a relationship that meets your needs (has has fewer limits and allows for long term commitment)?

    (*hug*) Talking with her is really, really, really important. I'm glad you were able to express your fears and took comfort in her response. But there's still a lot of anxiety there... keep talking to her. Keep talking here. Most importantly, keep talking (and listening) to yourself, too. If you ever want to hop over to DM, let me know.
     
    #4 WanderingMind, Feb 14, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2017
  5. looking for me

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    hey hun. im so glad you're finding your feet and are so happy. i think you may be in a minefield with your GF and her husband. but you do what makes you happy, you've had enough misery. do be careful, and i say that as your friend (*hug*) and who knows, it may very well work out for the best for all of you.
     
  6. SiennaFire

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    While there is truth to this statement, I would view your current relationship more as a transitional one and moderate your feelings accordingly. Otherwise the massive fall you will face.
     
  7. afgirl

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    Barista,

    Completely different journeys, but I wonder if you and i are similar in that our first gay relationship just opened up so many things we were not accustomed to, that we have never felt before. Maybe it really wasn't the girl, but the experience? I wonder that a lot in hindsight. I can only compare it to hetero relationships right now, and it was so much more intense on all levels....totally amazing and so comfortable and normal.

    I think "transitional" may indeed be the correct term.
     
  8. baristajedi

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    Hi friends, I didn't mean to post and run... it feels like life has been going at a million miles per minute and I haven't had much chance to stand still. I want to address each response, but just a quick update first. I did alot of thinking and I decided that the happiness I get from this relationship far outweighs the challenges. But I realise I have to keep my perspective clear, make sure my needs are taken care of, and be prepared to walk away when I need to. That's basically how I feel about it at this point.

    Since I posted I've been feeling extremely happy about things with this woman. I'll post more soon. I really appreciate all of your insight, each thing that you guys have posted has helped me in thinking about this.
     
  9. OnTheHighway

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    And what if she decides to walk away before your ready for her to Baristajedi? Your at a very delicate emotional state at the moment. Your getting a natural high from this relationship; but that high is not sustainable. Sorry to be taking such a contrarian view of this; but this has red flags all over it for me.

    If you were divorced already, several years into your journey having found peace with yourself, I can understand making a rational decision to have a relationship with a woman in an open relationship and getting emotionally attached. But your not at that point. your still quite raw on your journey and very much susceptible to being hurt.
     
  10. baristajedi

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    It would hurt massively if she walks away before I'm ready, but isn't that a risk in any relationship? I have never been able to be myself and to feel these things so fully before; I know it won't last because of the circumstances, but I also know that that's a risk with anyone I date at this point because I myself have a lot of limitations. I'm considering moving back to the US in a year or so; I'm in a transition myself. But I don't want to put off having an emotional connection with a woman until I'm 2 or 3 years into my divorce. I'm tired of playing things safe. I'm following my heart for once. Also if I were ready to meet my lifetime partner, that would be the time I'd likely not be open to dating someone in an open marriage, because if want to know there's potentially a future.

    And if there's one thing I've learned about myself through this journey, it's that I'm much stronger than I thought. I don't want to feel pain and loss, but I'm willing to take the bad with the good.

    I know you've got a lot of wise points, but I'm in this with my eyes open. My heart may be too open as well, but I don't really know how to shut my heart off...
     
  11. OnTheHighway

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    There has been a lot of discussion about your desire to have an emotional connection with another woman. And it is certainly understandable given your new found self identity. The difference between "any relationship" and the one your in, is that the one your in is transitional due to the nature of it, yet here you are going all in emotionally. Good luck!
     
  12. SiennaFire

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    baristajedi

    You are acting instead of thinking, so I applaud your progress on that front. We've all done things along our journey that while not wise in retrospect were a necessary part of becoming who we are. Developing the connection with this women seems to fall into the latter category (a necessary part of the journey). Having said that, going all in given the circumstances might not be the best strategy, so I would advocate that you dial back somewhat so that you gain the benefit while minimizing the downside when things end.
     
    #12 SiennaFire, Feb 19, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2017
  13. looking for me

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    I think this sums up how we feel, sweetie. in the end you do what you feel is best for you. (*hug*) we just hate to see you get hurt.
     
  14. baristajedi

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    Everything that all of you are saying is right...I know it's true. I can't add much more at the moment, today's not a good day.
     
    #14 baristajedi, Feb 22, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2017
  15. looking for me

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    (*hug*)