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I Don't Know Anymore

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Dimity, May 28, 2016.

  1. Dimity

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    Okay, I need some help here with... Well, a bit of everything. But I feel like this problem would best go under this category. Story time!

    All my life, it's been guys. It's as simple as that - Boys and girls go together except for one or two exceptions. Thats what I was taught. And it's not like I was in a particularly homophobic family, although I come from Christian origins; it was just never even thought of that I could be any different. We have the gay cousin who comes the the reunion and rants about inequality and the Facebook friends that everyone knows about, but never have we ever considered someone in my little corner of our family to be... Well, not straight.

    And I never questioned it either! Why should I? Even when I was in Pre-K, it was always "boys, boys, boys." I had a crush on a little boy who'd chase me around. I liked a guy who sat next to me in class. I was just a girl doing what girls did and that's all there was to it.

    Then, last year, I changed schools and made some new friends. We all were open to the idea of LGBT+ members, but no one truly believed any of us were gay. (Well, one of my friends told everyone that if anyone ever wanted to come out, they were there for support. But it was more of a suggestion than anything - it wasn't like anyone even blinked at the idea of taking them up on that offer.) We all just accepted that some people were different from our little Christian school community and that was that.

    But then I started seeing things... Differently.

    It wasn't like it all started all that quickly. It just slowly began coming up more and more when two of my friends and I started hanging out together a lot. It was the girl I mentioned before - the one who casually offered support if one of us were gay - and another girl. We'll call the other girl Blondie here because giving out her name would be an invasion of privacy. And LGBT-supporter-girl can be called Ally. (Not like the name "Ally" - as in a supporter.) We would have sleepovers and would laugh and make jokes as whatnot, but we would end up on the topic of sexuality sometimes and would joke about not being surprised if we all turned out to be gay because we "acted so gay around one another."

    I never really thought much about the statement until Blondie started coming over without Ally. We would hang out and laugh together, talking about boys and watching old movies together, when I would just feel so happy to be in her presence. And I would anxiously wait for her to text and would always pounce on the idea of her coming over to see me. When she'd visit, we would jokingly "cosplay" (If you could call it that) as our favorite character couple and tell stories until the sun went down. I felt close to her like I'd never been close to anyone else.

    And then the night happened. We were sitting on my bed and watching home movies, and Younger Me kept doing really accidentally-romantic things to younger Clondie or my dolls and it was simply funny. (For example: I'd pretend to make out with my American Girl Dolls or I would wrestle with Blondie in a way that didn't look very... Friendly.) And it was just nice, laughing. But then Blondie put her head on my shoulder and kept smiling that smile before saying, "You were so gay!" And I just laughed, but I felt butterflies in my stomach and could barely keep my heart-rate down and all I could think of in that moment was:

    I think I might like Blondie.

    It was such a weird sensation. I tried to push the idea away at school and whatnot, but it was always there. Just... Waiting! And I couldn't get it out of my head as the days passed and the weeks passed and this "girl crush" grew. I started imagining kissing her and loved the idea of us, together, as more than friends. I didn't know what was wrong with me. And I would break down in tears, confused, because I wasn't supposed to like any girls! It wasn't right!

    All my life, it's been guys. It's as simple as that - Boys and girls go together except for one or two exceptions. Thats what I was taught.

    But... Was I an exception?

    I tried to talk to my mother about it by saying that I might possibly be attracted to girls, but she brushed me aside by saying the exact same thing I had been saying before: I've always liked guys. It's never been, "Mom! I have a crush on some girl at school!" It was always the guys in my grade. She said that it was just a girl crush, which everyone gets. I just wanted to be good friends with some girl and that was the end of the story. She even proceeded to go on and say that I was trying too hard to be "quirky" and "different." Long story short, I ended up agreeing with her to get out of the conversation and proceeded to go cry in my bathroom.

    It was easier to push away the idea of me liking her, though, before she pulled me aside one day and told me that she was bisexual. When she told me, I felt so... So... Happy? Yes, that's the word. I got butterflies in my stomach - those same butterflies I had when she leaned her head on my shoulder - and wanted to tell her about my nervousness. But then she said she realized that she was bisexual when she kissed her new girlfriend.

    For the next few weeks, I became even more depressed. I've always struggled with depression, but now I didn't know who I was and one of the biggest lights in my life was taken by some stranger who had gotten to her first. I think it was then that I truly discovered that I really liked blondie. I felt so strongly about her and didn't want her to be with someone else... It had to be a crush, right?

    And she's still hung up over this other girl, who dumped her once she decided that she was actually straight, and now Blondie won't even bat an eyelash in my direction since I decided to tell her I liked her.

    I've never liked another girl before. But, ever since I started liking Blondie, I started seeing things differently. I don't think it's just a "girl crush." Is a "girl crush" something that lasts months and makes you want to kiss a girl and chase after them with all your heart? You just want to hold their hand and make them smile? I don't even know anymore... Now I'm just confused. I've only ever liked guys, but after all of this, I'm so confused that I don't even know where to begin. Am I too young to know anything? Could I be bisexual? Or am I just heteroflexible?

    I stumbled across this place while trying to find answers and figured, "Hey, why keep looking for similar situations when you can ask about yours?" So... That's why I'm here. If you read all of that and want to respond, thank you. I really appreciate it. I just want some help and maybe some support. I feel really alone in all of this, as I'm scared to even bring it up to those close to me.
     
  2. A Seraphim Moon

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    Hmm~That is a tough call... I won't lie to you... You can have what is called a phase or a "girl crush" or in my case as "guy crush" it has also been called "bromance" with guys. Some straight guys act like something akin to a gay couple sometimes. It's very odd and confusing and I honestly don't have the foggiest idea and get really confused about it. So, I can't really go in depth on the "bromance".

    Now~to go further... Hun~age can play a factor. It has been theorized that every human is born innately bisexual. Meaning that by the time we hit puberty and then throughout our teen years when our hormones and the such working overtime and are all out of whack... That it is during this time period, by the time you reach it subconsciously you are already self aware. Meaning that you already know deep down, just not when you are conscious and awake. The preference will be there regardless.

    In your case, I am unsure how old you are currently and during that time. But, when you hit puberty it's just a little sliver of a preference... It'll become more prevalent and makes its presence more known as you start phasing through the rest. So, say like generally around the age of 12 is when puberty starts and goes on throughout your teens. So, yes... Growing up, boys. Me? Girls...

    With that said, it doesn't mean you are flat out bi? Doesn't mean you are flat out lesbian or straight for that matter. You'll know it is time. You are already questioning. So, how about this... Kissing her... You're romantic and have great deal of imagination/moments of head in clouds... I don't think romance should be the deciding factor with that aspect.

    You very well could be just very close friends. A love that goes deeper then just friendship and bond that is deeper than sister hood. People can have those bonds. It's on a whole other level of friendship, romance, and love. Very hard to grasp what the relationship is or even how to describe. Alot of straight men do not like those kind of bonds because of the implications that go with it. It's almost as if you are "in" love with them. Because in some ways... It is romantic.

    What you should think about and I'm sure maybe that is why Blondie shrugged it off when you told her you liked her. Try getting Ally on board with you with this, if it comes to pass that you are bi or lesbian... You've stated you don't mind the thought of butterflies, excitement, the love, the closeness, the bond, etc. Think about this... Ponder on it, take some time to consider it.

    You may be young, but it'll still be there. In your dreams and fantasies... We all think about it, dream about it, and imagine it. It's there when we day dream about someone or a future with that someone. Do you know what I am talking about? Sex... Even if the thought of sex made someone feel dirty or sinful, shameful, etc. The thought also in a sense turned them on, which is another reason they felt ashamed or guilty. So, can you fantasize about her sexually. If so, how does that make you feel? Gauge the reaction... Partly in the fact... Do you get turned on by the thought of being physically and sexually with her? After you can figure that out, the rest will fall into place.

    Maybe it is a one time thing, just her and no other female. There are those in the lgbt community that say (myself included, I have 1) they have at least 1, 1 person of the opposite sex at some point present, past, or future of the opposite sex that they could see themselves with sexually. I know some heterosexual people that have also said or implied that as well with same sex. So, maybe it is just that. A one time thing. I've a friend that has said to me he is 90% straight and 10% gay. I think that is what he meant, he had 1 guy he could see himself with sexually.

    I hope for you the best! Hopefully, you'll find the advice needed here at EC. :icon_bigg(*hug*)
     
    #2 A Seraphim Moon, May 29, 2016
    Last edited: May 29, 2016
  3. SHACH

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    Well first of all good on you for finally posting and getting all this off your chest. Nice to meet you.

    I've had a similar experience. Though not with such an old friend. A new friend. I suddenly realised after a month or so that I had a crush on her, but buried it because I thought she was straight. Eventually she got a girlfriend and thats how I found out she was bi. Totally broke my heart. I'm pretty sure she has found out that I crushed on her but I think it actually made her nicer to me... but as time goes on and the two of them have been having some turbulent times, I seem to have built up a friendship more with the girlfriend than my original friend... I feel distance emerging.

    Throughout this time I have accepted I am bisexual.... The intesnity of the emotions can't be denied and I have come out of this feeling like I would rather be with a girl the feelings are just so much stronger than anything I've had with male crushes... but I don't like having to deal with this drama haha.

    In your case I would probably also call myself bisexual buuuut yeah I suppose it could be a one of... you just have to ask yourself if there have been any other little incidents, think about your celebrity crushes, do you enjoy fantasising about girls? Think about that stuff. My answer to all of that is anything from yeah to YES so I identify mostly as bi. Think about it.
     
  4. Dimity

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    The thing is that, yes, I can see more sexual situations and whatnot and don't really mind these feelings. The fact that it could be just hormones fluctuating and whatnot plays in, but I've also talked to a select few of my straight friends rather vaguely and they've told me that they haven't shared a lot of the experiences that I've had in this department. (I'm going to go back to what SHACH said and refer to female celebrity crushes I've had in the past that are simply based on attractiveness, the more physical aspect of the attraction, which is definitely there, etc.) Although I've only been attracted to Blondie, it isn't just necessarily an just emotional thing.

    I'm hesitant to call it more than a girl crush, (Although I am also hesitant to call it that!) but there definitely is a physical aspect to it that I cannot deny. It's more than just emotional - the feelings just started showing themselves whenever the emotions started growing.

    I don't look at every girl on the street and go, "Damn! Nice!" Maybe it's just Blondie that I've liked. For a while, I considered labeling myself as heteroflexible, then I moved on to bisexual as the feelings developed more and I started feeling more... Well, sure about the situation. But now I'm back here, not really sure if it means much and hesitant to call itanything. Ack. Confusion, confusion, confusion!
     
  5. SHACH

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    So you have had female celebrity crushes and such things that straight friends dont relate to?.. It really does seem to me like you're bi. I'm never really happy with a label either to be honest, but sort of turbulent confusing feelings are, I think, sort of part of being bisexual until you really settle down into your identity. Not that you need a label - you just need acceptance.

    In terms of what you said about finding girls in the street attractive. I find that that rarely happens to me either. It happened to me today actually but rarely does it happen in comparison to how often I see guys I find good looking around town. I just feel like I have more of a type with girls, and I get a lot more emotionally invested in them and that plays a big part - as you said, as the emotions grow, I feel more physically.
     
  6. Dimity

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    So it's not odd to typically be more attractive to females when you feel that you know them better and more attracted to guys based off of physical appearance straight off the bat? Because that's one thing I've been rather stressed about, as I haven't really immediately been attracted to a female just by looking at her except in rare cases. (Yes, it's happened before, but not nearly as much as it is with men.) Is it possible that I could be bisexual in the sense that I'm more attracted to men than I am to females?