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I don't have trouble finding a relationship, I have trouble finding the kind of relationship I want

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Lukky, Dec 23, 2019.

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  1. Lukky

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    I'm not satisfied with these boring love-you-but-not-that-much relationships. Is it wrong to want a partner who is completely, permanently and irreconcilably obsessed with me? That's the only form of love I'd consider worth of my time, that's what true love is to me. Where can I find people like that?
     
  2. Aspen

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    You have one of those "boring" relationships until you fall in love. The "insta-love" that you often see in movies isn't real. Someone isn't likely to fall head-over-heels in love with you on the first date and, if they do, I would be concerned. A relationship where someone is obsessed with you isn't healthy. People in relationships need to have their own lives, their own friends, their own support systems outside of the relationship.
     
  3. Lukky

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    Why would that make you feel concerned? Why is it bad for love to be intense? What is wrong with passionate relationships? "It isn't healthy" isn't a sufficient answer. It's vague. Why isn't it healthy?
     
  4. Aspen

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    There’s nothing inherently wrong with passionate relationships, if they’re healthy, but relationships like that are ripe for codependency and abusive dynamics. When you’re actually obsessed with the person you’re with, not just in love with them, you’re more likely to sacrifice anything to be with them, even if that means sacrificing who you are, your family, your friends, your support system, and anything that person doesn’t like about you. That’s not healthy. Your relationship shouldn’t be the only thing in your life because then, if anything happens, you don’t have anything left. You don’t have anyone to support you through hard times or give you a reality check when there are warning signs. It’s also all too easy for a relationship to become physically, verbally, or mentally abusive.
     
  5. Lukky

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    But I want exactly that: I want a partner who is willing to sacrifice anything for me. Where could I find that?
     
  6. Chip

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    Well... would you sacrifice anything for them? Would you be completely, peranently, irreconcilably obsessed with them? What's your honest answer to that?
     
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  7. Devil Dave

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    I wouldn't want someone to be obsessed with me. If I'm going to fall in love with someone, it'll be because of the mark they are making on the world, and the things they are interested in, their passions and ambitions. If all they are interested in is pleasing me, well, that's very boring.
     
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  8. Lukky

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    Yes
     
  9. Lukky

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    Very boring? Don't you mean literal Paradise?
     
  10. Destin

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    Speaking as someone who has been obsessed over by a few people in former relationships...believe me, you don't want that. You think you do, but you don't. I thought it was fun too at first, but after like 6 months it just becomes irritating. When everything is about you, it starts to make you feel guilty and weird really fast. This is what pretty much every conversation with one of my exes who was obsessed with me was like:

    Me: "where do you want to go to dinner?"

    Them: "wherever you want, because you should be happy!"

    Me: "ok...but...where do you want to go?"

    Them: "whatever you like the most, because your happiness is important to me!"

    Me; "um...ok...thanks, but like, chinese food? burgers?"

    Them: "anything is good with me as long as you like it!"

    Me: "I....just....please pick something"

    Them: "whatever you're in the mood for!"
     
  11. Chip

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    What Destin is describing is pretty close to the clinical definition of dependent personality disorder. This isn't a healthy thing. Folks with DPD literally are unable to make decisions for themselves and rely on others. It's not healthy for them and certainly not a balanced, healthy relationship.

    OP: What you seem to be asking for would probably not be healthy either. A healthy relationship is one where people have a deep and caring love for one another, but also have a strong sense of self and independence. "permanent and irrevocable" also, essentially, would make me question whether the love is authentic and genuine, or whether it is experienced as a liability or responsibility.

    Honest, healthy relationships are never perfect. People have disagreements. They argue. They hold different values. They get mad at one another. And at the end of the day, they still love and appreciate each other. But that's different than 'permanent and irrevocable' love, at least as I see it.
     
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  12. Devil Dave

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    Nope. Especially as I've been single for a long time, I'm used to my own company and doing things the way I want without participation from anyone else. It would be nice to have someone to share some of my experiences with from time to time, but to have someone wanting to do everything with me all the time would be too much.
     
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  13. NoName123

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    Imagine being able to find and maintain a stable relationship
    This post was made by: the me gang
     
  14. Lukky

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    Ok. I can see why that could become difficult after a while. But still, isn't it comforting to know that there is someone in the awful world we live in that cares enough about you to sacrifice themselves for you? I'd be very pleased to have someone do that for me. Even if it made me uncomfortable sometimes, I'd know that the guy does that because he loves me, so I could tolerate that and live perfectly with it.
     
  15. Destin

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    Sacrifice some things sure, not everything. Someone giving up everything for me just would make me feel guilty and like I was destroying their life.
     
  16. Lukky

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    I guess that's the fundamental difference between us. I wouldn't feel guilty for that. There's no reason for me to feel guilty, because I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just receiving affection. I'm happy that at least you understand I'm not some egocentric monster preying on some mentally vulnerable person. I'm a regular guy looking for a meaningful relationship. To me, the "balanced" relationship that some people described is simply meaningless. That's no different than a relationship I'd have with a friend or relative, except for the sex part, but that part is not my main focus.
     
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  17. resu

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    In my opinion, true happiness is something that comes from within each person. Yes, it is possible to surrender your feelings to someone else, but giving up that control can create an unhealthy dependence and lack of personal responsibility for self-development. No one is perfect, and expecting an imperfect person to handle two people is often asking too much.
     
  18. Chip

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    That's actually a little bit concerning, because it seems to indicate a lack of concern/interest for the other individual's well being and emotional health. If you truly don't care about the other person's well being, and only whether they love you 'irreconcilably and permanently'... I'm sorry, but that is not a relationship that anyone emotionally healthy would want to be in.

    So do I hear you saying that you shouldn't have to do anything, show concern, or provide the same level of support and caring for the other person as they are giving you, as long as you get what you want?
     
  19. Lukky

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    I don't see why I wouldn't be able to handle two people. What kind of person can't handle receiving affection?
     
  20. Lukky

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    I care about the other person's well-being as much as it's necessary to keep him by my side.
     
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