I'm a cold hearted daughter..but I'm not even a daughter, I'm a son..not that anyone cares.. I spent my whole life asking to be loved and being dismissed as a person, hurt for my personality..and now I'm trans..nothing really changed has it? I've just got something I can't ever change now.. I can't remember the last time I got called he..Ashton is my name, though..that's easy to accept.. My friend doesn't even care about my name, or pronoun, she doesn't care..she says I'll always be Ashley..that she's proud of me, but it doesn't feel true.. I've lost all my other friends. I'm not really important anymore.. I can barely manage to deal with the pressure and attention on me to be perfect as a trainee..it's barely been a week, but I already have to be perfect....at my job..the one I have to keep for my hormones, it's hard for me to get one with my hours..and I can barely afford my hormones..I don't know what I'm going to do for doctor appointments..I'm all alone and I have no one to help me and I'm really scared..I need this, honestly..it's too painful to keep going on the way I am..I know I'll be bullied..a feminine body with a masculine face..but, the inward confidence I feel will be so much better.. I feel alone.. No one cares for my pronouns..and I don't care for myself anymore.. I don't feel like I belong anywhere..including here..I think I don't want to belong anywhere..anymore..
You matter, and you belong here Ashton. I have struggled with similar thoughts and I still do today. The only time my father every used my name was to say, "This Alec person" will never be you, and this person has killed my daughter. My mother has only said my name, to say that "Alec is not your real name." My brothers told me I was living a lie. And the friends that called me by my name in university? We don't speak to each other any more. A part of me thinks that, by being Alec, I will hurt or lose everyone that I love. But another part of me says that can't be true, because it is never wrong to be yourself, authentically, even if others don't agree with you. In the end, I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not. It can be so hard to be strong when there are people in our lives who fight us every step of the way. But you know who you are, Ash. And that is enough. There will be people who will love and support you as Ashton, as the young guy who has fought so hard to make it this far. Keep fighting. Fight longer and harder than the people who stand against you. Don't wait for someone to come along and save you, because that person is you. Perfection is an illusion. I have spent so much of my life trying to be perfect. In school, sports, life, dating, friendships, health. But it's a false goal because the bar will always keep raising just out of reach. Something that has helped me is to focus on just getting through the day. This day, right now. Focus not on 100% but 80%. Just allowing yourself to have 20% breathing room helps. Being 80% proficient in your work, health, and relationships takes a lot of pressure off and allows you to allot that extra energy to taking care of yourself. So today, instead of saying to yourself "I must be perfect in my job" or "I must be the perfect child to my parents" say this: I will be good in my job, and I will be a good child to my parents. A good person is so much better than a perfect person. Some people may never accept you. But some people will, so focus on them. And of those people, you have to be one of them. Accept yourself as you are, in this moment. And if you cannot accept your whole self, focus on one part that you can accept. That could be something as small as you eyes or your smile. Focus on the small things that make you you. There is a song I listen to that always helps me when I feel alone. In fact I've gotten the chorus from this song tattooed on my chest so I can see it every time I look in the mirror. Maybe you can find some solace in it too. Here is the song and lyrics. You will get through this, brother. We are all here for you at every step. Always keep fighting.
