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"I don't define myself by my sexuality"

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Tre, Nov 13, 2017 at 8:40 PM.

  1. Tre

    Tre
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    This has kind of been grinding my gears lately. I hear a lot of LGBT people say this. It seems like they look down on other people when they say that. I somewhat define myself by my sexuality, but also do most straight people. They just don't know it.
     
  2. Chiroptera

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    For me, that phrase means: I'm bisexual. But i'm also a gamer. And i also like metal. And i also like pizza. And i'm a biologist. And i like cats.

    Being bisexual is a part of me, and, in a way, it defines a bit of me. But i'm also so much more, that it is hard to define a huge part of me just by looking into my orientation.
     
  3. gravechild

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    That's totally within their rights. Is it due to internalized homophobia? Or do they just not see is as being important? A person's relation to such terms seem to be linked with how active they are in the community.

    Straight people have the luxury of being in the majority. They don't have to come out. The only time they emphasize their sexuality is when someone assumes they're something else. Otherwise, its everywhere.
     
  4. Ryu

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    I would say that the phrase means that it's not something that they care about. It's something that they accept, but don't want it to get in the way. I agree with this. Being Bi or gay or whatever shouldn't be your defining characteristic. In my opinion the who are defined by their sexuality are just as vapid, vein and devoid of any real substance, just as much as those who are activley against homosexuality.
     
  5. Creativemind

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    I don't see anything wrong with this. I use this phrase all the time.

    When I say I don't define myself as my sexuality....it means the same as anything else about me. I also don't define myself as any of my disabilities or chronic pain conditions either. I'm not ashamed of them and I'm fine with talking about them, but it can be irritating when people introduce me as "that disabled kid with the back problem". There is SO much more to me than that.

    I have other hobbies, I have other interests, I have other points of my personality. I don't want to talk about being gay every single day of my life. I am NOT ashamed of being gay. But it doesn't define me. Most days I never think about it as I am not dating anyone, not sleeping with anyone, and not currently crushing on anyone. I'd rather talk about the newest video game or my next writing project.

    When I say I don't define myself by my sexuality, I also mean that I want the right to be a lesbian without anyone gatekeeping me or telling me "I'm not gay enough" because I don't think, care, or talk about it as much as someone else. Unfortunately, this happens a lot by people who are more obsessed with it.

    It's not about looking down on others who view it being more important. We all have interests that are more important. I define myself more of a gamer than as a lesbian, because I play games and think about them more often. If someone enjoys video games but doesn't want to define themselves as a gamer, that is fine...it doesn't mean they hate games or are spitting all over them, it just means it's not the most important hobby to them. I don't see why I would take offense to it.

    I don't think straight people are any more or less obsessed than gay people. It's not about homophobia. It's equally annoying when a heterosexual makes their sexuality their own identity- constantly talking about guys (or girls if a guy), their sex life, their dating life....yawn. Boring. Even other straight people can dislike this obsession from people of their own kind. Not everyone is obsessed with their sexuality and gay people who aren't deserve the right to say so while still having their identity validated.
     
    #5 Creativemind, Nov 13, 2017 at 9:29 PM
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2017 at 9:30 PM
  6. HM03

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    I'm not like "gay this, gay that, gay gay gay". It's not something that I manage to squeeze into every conversation. So in that sense I don't define myself by my sexuality.

    But at the same time we live in a pretty sexual society, so my sexuality is pretty important and defines me at least in some respects.
     
  7. aleshia

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    I have mixed feelings about it. I get what it's supposed to mean but I think some people use it to distance themselves from their sexuality or get other people not to see them as that flamboyant gay person. So it's sometimes due to internalized homophobia. But recently I've understood it more because I feel like some of my friends view my sexuality as my defining characteristic just because it's different, and it makes me uncomfortable.
     
  8. Biguy45

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    I’m bi but I’d be the same guy if I wa straight, although without the Chris hemsworth obsession
     
  9. Ryuichi

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    I want to be able to say that. I really do. The problem though, is that even if I tried not to define myself by my sexuality or my gender, then it'll be done for me by pretty much everyone else. So what exactly is the point?
     
  10. Aven

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    I don't like being placed in a box, Ive never fit well in boxes :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: No single thing defines me. Like others who have posted here, my sexuality is but one of many facets of who I am, a piece of a greater whole. Like a jigsaw puzzle, only when all the pieces come together do you see the final picture, but unlike a jigsaw puzzle, my picture changes and morphs over time as I gain new insight, experience new things and discover new passions :slight_smile:
     
  11. Suomi

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    I kind of agree what the OP is saying and understand, despite (although I respect their opinions) that nearly everyone in the thread is disagreeing with the topic.

    My sexuality does define me. It always will.

    I was born black and gay, and I'm going to die black and gay. So my sexuality does define me.

    If I'm in a situation to where either or both of those social constructs I was by DNA given, I will remove myself from that.

    For example, if someone or something is racist, (unless it's in a funny way, or they are being racist to hide their personality or due to peer pressure or whatever etc.) I don't want to be in their or that company.

    If someone or something is homophobic or anti-gay (unless I see signs that they are being a hypocrite or trying to masquerade themselves/internal homophobia/gay in denial etc.), I don't want to be in their or that company.

    So yes my sexuality does define me.

    Like a straight person should define their sexuality.

    They start relations and get married with other straight people and make families/have children etc. So therefore, their sexuality defines them.

    So being gay, my sexuality can't define myself? Hmm.
     
  12. Secrets5

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    It doesn't really define me as sexuality only comes into play when one wants a relationship, and I don't want one now nor do I see myself ever having one. So it's not a big aspect of my life at all.
     
  13. Suomi

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    No, no, no, no, no, no, NO.

    Incorrect.

    Sexuality isn't just sex. Which is why I hate the fucking term sexual orientation so much.

    It's not all about sex. Homophobia just isn't about fucking sex.

    It's about sociology, femininity, gender roles and more bullshit I'm way too fired up and aggravated to mention right now.
     
  14. Secrets5

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    I never said anything about sex, I said 'relationship'. I also don't see what femininity and gender roles has to do with sexuality - that's just feminist intersectionality, doesn't have to be included in 'sexuality' which is biology determining which sex/gender one can date. 'Sex'uality is in regards to sex, as in the primary sex characteristics and which one(s) individuals are attracted to and therefore 'what' one can date (obviously personality comes into it, but a 100% lesbian woman isn't going to be looking at men even if he's a really nice person).

    I don't go around advertising my sexuality, I don't have the 'bisexual look' (which I hear is one shaved side of hair and long on the other side) nor do I have it written or a t-shirt or anything. There isn't really any visual bisexual sterotypes known either, so I don't really have any of that to fit in.

    Maybe sexuality is all those things for you, maybe it is a much bigger part of your life and is much more dynamically involved in your social spheres - activism and stuff.

    But for me it isn't. For me, it's about having a relationship or talking about celebrity crushes. Which I repete I don't want one. It's not about gender roles for me, if I end up staying at home looking after the kids it's because I want to and that's what I and my partner have decided together - not because I'm a woman. And that goes if I'm with a woman or a man.

    Sociology, I like sociology. I like looking at numbers and statistics, and the theories. But I look more on the class/race side of things (which has a x5/x2 more influence on educational attainment than gender) than on the gender/sexuality side. - This is just some extra info. not really part of what I'm saying other than I've got sociology tommorow so it's in my head.
     
    #14 Secrets5, Nov 14, 2017 at 7:46 PM
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2017 at 7:57 PM
  15. Creativemind

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    Agree with everything you said.

    I feel like LGBT people in general assume we've all had the same experiences. Not true. I have never been closeted, never questioned my sexuality, never faced any homophobia from friends or family. I'm not super into relationships or sex (without being aro ace) unless it just happens to occur....so sexuality is something I never think about in my every day life. I've also been 'officially' out for 15 ish years (meaning when puberty first occurred) so sexuality as a whole is uninteresting to me, in the same way that many straight people may stop thinking about their own sexuality after 15+ years of marriage.

    I'm probably privileged compared to most LGBT people. I can definitely sympathize with them if they need activism more than I do. However, I also feel that LGBT people assume we're all the same and have the same feelings. We do not.
     
    #15 Creativemind, Nov 15, 2017 at 1:42 AM
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  16. Suomi

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    I'm sorry. I have to disagree with all this shit. I swear to fucking god.

    The day the whole world is 100000% non homophobic and is accepting towards LGBT people, like heteronormative society is. Then I'll start using that "I'm gay, but whatever" bullshit. Until then, yes I'm defined by my sexuality. I'd rather be hated than motherfucking pitied or ignored.

    How you see on all these TV shows how they support the nuclear man, woman children atmospheres. That's rubbing heterosexuality in our faces and they are defining their sexuality.

    Yet being gay we can't define our sexuality. As sexuality is only for sex and relationships which is not true.

    Even if it was, why are straights allowed to define themselves by heterosexuality? That's a big ass unfair double standard.

    Anything queer is gross, perverted, nasty.

    Hence why everyone is hiding behind the aspect of "Not letting my sexuality define me."

    As if you want queer socialism to make steps backwards and not improve. Hiding it, ignore it, or going "Meh" "whatever" "it's no big deal" about it, is not improving anything about it.

    No, your just ashamed to be gay and I don't blame you. Just be honest. Damn.
     
    #16 Suomi, Nov 15, 2017 at 11:47 AM
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2017 at 11:48 AM
  17. Creativemind

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    Seriously, dude? Get over yourself.

    If you want to define yourself by your sexuality you are free to do so. However, you have no right to say that others who do not are either ashamed or are holding double standards (I also dislike heterosexuals who define themselves by their sexuality, and many heteros I know do not talk about anything related to that to begin with, unless it's infrequent. If they do it too frequently, they know when to shut up).

    If anything, a person who doesn't define themselves by their sexuality is more comfortable in their skin than a person who does, because we know how to deal with and ignore that kind of shit. Homophobia isn't the only issue in the world. I face more misogyny than homophobia, yet I don't constantly think or talk about being a woman. I face more ableism than homophobia, yet I don't define myself as a mentally ill or disabled person (and hate it when others do!).

    Some of us have never faced homophobia. My family and friends have never discriminated against me for being gay. My teachers and bosses don't care if I'm gay. For the most part, I do not face any negative comments, and when I do, I have a "screw you, I don't need you!" attitude because I am mentally healthy about my sexuality.

    I don't hide or ignore my sexuality. I am out to everyone who asks, but it doesn't mean I am obsessed or get riled up over it. I refuse to accept the insults of that making me ashamed- if anything, I am more empowered and less ashamed than anyone who defines themselves by their sexuality. Because I am a grown adult who knows not to give a shit about what others think. Once you get older, you stop caring about other people and their opinions.
     
    #17 Creativemind, Nov 15, 2017 at 12:54 PM
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  18. Suomi

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    Okay.

    I don't appreciate your rude ass remarks. I didn't insult you, don't reciprocate that shit.

    Yes you're right. If people don't want to define themselves by their sexuality, I have to respect and accept that yes.

    There is just one little issue.

    You say you hate straight people who define themselves by their sexuality. Saying straight people don't/don't have to define their sexuality, which they do whether they want to or not. I'm confused so much by that. Here is also a big loophole.

    THEY DON'T' HAVE TO BECAUSE HETERONORMALITY IS A NORMAL PART OF SOCIETY. YOU ARE ASSUMED TO BE STRAIGHT UNLESS PROVEN OTHERWISE. ERGO/DEFINING YOURSELF BY YOUR SEXUALITY. HELLO!?!?!?!?

    So with what I said above, everyone is proven straight, unless someone gives verbal/nonverbal, emotional, physical cues of their sexuality. Thus defining themselves by their sexuality.

    I don't want to be labeled as straight if I'm not.

    The thing is I have to be because being LGBT is sadly seen as sick and unnatural. That's the part you're not getting.

    I see it in a different way. To me it's sweeping that fact about yourself under the rug, which isn't a bad thing, but it isn't a good thing.

    You can't ignore everything. There are people who don't care or wish to empathize or relate to you. (Heterosexual people, with me being a gay man, it's straight men usually) laws trying to destroy us, people that want to kill us. You can't ignore shit like that.

    So defining yourself by your sexuality, allows you to remove yourself from that bullshit.

    Don't you think I know that shit. Honey, I'm black as well as being a feminine gay man. I have to deal with racism, and sadly gender roles relating to feminine men. I know there are other issues. Being this is an LGBT related forum, I mostly want to stick to that issue and category and agenda.

    Homophobia is a way bigger issue though. Feminism, misogyny, anti-women discussions are kinda more supported.

    Nobody cares if a woman wants to be a mechanic or airplane pilot really.

    If people are disabled, I don't know a single person, that doesn't believe that disabled people should have freedoms and privileges based on that. Because they do.

    People do care if their son wants to dress up like a Disney Princess, or if they want to teach LGBT history in schools or allow for LGBT people to have equal rights. Those are more controversial issues which are still causing friction.

    You are also an extreme exception to the rule.

    Most LGBT people face homophobia quite often. Directly or indirectly.

    That's a lie. Who is "some of us." Hell, let's go with that. Let's say you never experience homophobia, okay.

    Being LGBT or gay still for now, is not recognized as a typical or normal union. That isn't homophobic at all. It's not. Kids are going to be taught that men fall in love with women, and that's that as that's the natural flow of things. That's not homophobic that sadly we can't be inslusive 24/7 all the time.

    Ergo, people are going to be assumed to be straight usually.

    Don't you at least owe it to yourself to define yourself by your sexuality at least. You deserve that part of yourself right?


    Again, you're an extreme lucky exception to the rule. I envy and praise you for that. I really do, I'm not joking or being sarcastic.

    I remember I was about 8 or 9. I was with some of my play cousins at their house and some "friends" of mine from school were also there. It was during the summer, so I had on these green and gold thongs/flip flops/sandals on my feet. All day I was told by these boys around my age, "Please take those faggot ass shoes off." I didn't know what the hell they were talking about. They were having a barbecue and we were playing in their backyard when were in the process to go inside the house. Until one of the boys fathers said, "You're gonna take those fag/punk shoes off or you're not coming in my house."

    I then decided to just walk home, and I was told by another family member of mine when I went home, that they were in fact "faggot shoes" and I was told to throw them away and never to wear them again.

    When you sadly grow up in inner city environments like that, ignorance, racism, homophobia does sadly spew and come out like that.

    So not everyone is lucky as you to not have situations like that.

    Have you come out to them? Being that you're a gay female, do you think you have it easier as opposed to me being a feminine gay male and I sadly do have bad experiences with homophobic and racist teachers and companies in my life.

    Being that I've been fired for all my jobs, mostly due to the fact I am black and gay.

    Once more again, you are an exception to the rule.

    I do. A few months ago. a group of straight men for no reason at all. I was just walking downtown minding my own business, when they pulled their car to the curb, flipped me the middle finger and said "faggot" and sped off. They weren't doing it to be funny either.

    Not too long ago, I was walking home,and I've had straight guys outside of clubs say, "Get away from that faggot."

    So I have sadly experienced lots of homophobia.

    It's not easy to ignore those types of things. It's very taxing because I'm basically being told, I shouldn't define myself with the very thing I experience issues with and can't change.

    You also can't ignore nature and laws sadly. Which in some cases are not always on our side.

    I define myself by my sexuality. If I didn't, I would have most likely killed myself by now for not accepting this is the life, (although I hate it and don't want to live it), I have to live and accept.

    You should. As I said homonormativity is not common, for now. You are a minority and should wear that on your sleeve and be accepted of it.

    Okay, well again that's you, and you're allowed to feel that way.

    I'm a grown adult too. I'm 27. I do give a fuck what other people think. I want to be loved. I want a boyfriend. I want guys to like me as a gay feminine black men. I want to be the Disney princess and get a prince. I can't do that. I can't walk up to a guy and talk about gay stuff. Smh.

    God sadly didn't' give me the life I wanted. In fact I've had a shitty life, with the death of my mother when I was 10 years old being a big one. I've also lost my twin brother a few years later than that. So it's terrible.

    So I can't agree with you on that. I think that's a main reason I do want to become a famous celebrity and a famous singer, actor, comedian, writer. As there are so few queer famous people, and I want to be loved.

    I know not everyone can like you, but I do want the people that hate me, to not hate me over shit I can't change.

    Anything I can do to draw attention to myself over shit I can't change, I'm gonna do. Sorry.
     
    #18 Suomi, Nov 15, 2017 at 1:32 PM
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2017 at 1:47 PM
  19. Creativemind

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    ^ What I meant about heterosexuals not defining themselves by their sexuality is that I dislike hearing someone's sex or love life from anyone. If a heterosexual goes on and on about cute people of the opposite sex, their marriage, their children, their sex life...I tell them that I don't want to hear it. So in the end, I never end up hearing about details of heterosexuals either. If a heterosexual assumes I am straight, I simply correct them. Once they know, they don't care.

    I feel it's individual more than gender related. There are lesbians who feel like you do about sexuality because they have been raped, disowned, and physically attacked. There are gay men who feel like I do because they have accepting families and don't face many issues in their area. I do agree though that being black makes it worse, because it intersects in a lot of areas.

    I'm out to one of my teachers, who also teaches the positives of different sexual orientations. Students at college also ask if you have a "boyfriend or girlfriend" instead of heteronormative questions.

    Sexuality doesn't matter to me because I don't want to date or have sex with anyone. I am celibate by choice. So I don't see what the issue is. It's not hiding it if I don't even want to have a partner.

    That said, there are people like you who have faced worse discrimination, and you have every right to view your sexuality being important. That is fine and I don't want to take that away from you. I just personally see no point in being loud about it because my sexuality doesn't affect my life in any way, shape, or form.

    As far as being disabled for me (and I'm actually talking about a mental/intellectual one, not a physical one), it's actually been much worse. Growing up in school, I was bullied terribly by staff for my disability. It was bad enough that my Mom pulled me out of the school and got a lawyer involved. I've been told I should be dead or aborted by ableist people. I couldn't get jobs if my disability was outed because of others' false misconceptions. I lost many friends, and my only real friend was a person who had the same condition. I would say I have suffered from more internalized ableism than homophobia because it's just been worse- but in the end, I also don't define myself that way because I was ashamed and wanted to hide it. If I faced the same issues with sexuality, it could have been the same.
     
    #19 Creativemind, Nov 15, 2017 at 1:43 PM
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2017 at 1:49 PM
  20. Biguy45

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    This thread is getting a little too angry for me