I would like to say that this is my first post here, so I am sorry if it’s in the wrong place. A little background, I come from a super accepting family. I think I questioned my sexuality starting in early high school (currently 2.5 years post college for reference) and came out sophomore year of college. So i have been out for about 4.5 years. I first came out to my mom, and at this point all of my family knows and have even met and like my current girlfriend. Everyone in my life accepts it, and it’s really a nonissue with them. The problem is that I’m not okay with it. I think I was okay in the beginning, because realizing/accepting that I was lesbian really cleared a lot of things up at the time. But recently, I have slowly come to the realization that if there was only thing I could change about myself, I wouldn’t be lesbian. I feel bad saying this because I have a girlfriend right now, and she is phenomenal. I truly love her and I am so blessed to have her. But the way that I feel about being a lesbian is completely separate from her. I had this perfect little plan of how I pictured my life going. Never once did I imagine that I would be a lesbian. It’s not like I have any problem with others being LGBT+, I don’t have a religious problem with it, and I’m from an accepting and loving family.. I just wasn’t supposed to be lesbian. I feel like there are so many things I “can’t do” because I don’t want to do them as a lesbian. I “can’t” get married, because I wouldn’t want to have a lesbian wedding. I “can’t” have children, because I don’t want to raise a child as a lesbian couple. Realistically, I know I can do all of these things, there is nothing stopping me.. But I don’t want to do them as a lesbian. At the same time, I know that I am not attracted to men in anyway and I know that I truly am only attracted to women. I just don’t want to be. Is this normal or am I crazy? I don’t understand how I can know that I am lesbian, have everyone in my life accept it and support me, but I am the one who has a problem with it.. I feel like so many others would be thrilled with the support and love I have in my life, but I can’t appreciate it because i’m to busy hating myself for being lesbian. I don’t know what to do.
Hey welcome to EC. Nothing wrong with your post at all and I can definitely relate. It sounds a bit like you have almost a bit of internalised homophobia, which is actually really common. It almost sounds like you haven't completely grieved for the life you thought you were going to have. Apart from your girlfriend are your friends mainly straight or gay or a mixture?
Welcome on Empty Closet, OP! Like @silverhalo said, it looks like you are suffering from internalized homophobia which is actually pretty common within the LGBT community and is often irrelevant of the support you may get from family. Being a lesbian means that you will never get to fit within the heteronormative world that's our current society and that's something you are entitled to grieve for. That being said and like you pointed out yourself there isn't actually much you can't do as a lesbian that you could do as a straight woman but there seems to be a lot of things you would like to do as a straight woman that you don't seem to be willing to do just because you are gay. Why is that ? Why do you feel it would be better to be married to a man and have children with one? Isn't the ultimate goal to marry and have children with someone you like and actually want to build a family with? What's stopping you from doing those things you want to do? is it because of society? There is no reason why a wedding involving two people of the same-sex can't just be a wedding. It is a wedding and there is no need to label it otherwise, unless you want to. Maybe try and think about why you believe that your life would be better if you were straight. Are you having trouble making friends due to your sexuality?
I wouldn’t particularly say that I have a difficulty time making friends. I have an average amount, and they are a blend of both straight and lesbian. My two best friends, one from college and one from high school, are both lesbians. the thing is, one of them is married, and I could not have been happier for her when that happened. I just isn’t an option for me. I can’t quite figure out why though. I don’t know that I overly care what society thinks about same sex marriage, and I know my family would be more than supportive of a wedding, but I wouldn’t be. I think deep down I had the plan for my perfect life, and since I have strayed from that, and my life will no longer be “perfect”, I don’t deserve to be happy. Realistically, I know that this doesn’t make sense, and I can have all of these thing, but I don’t think that I deserve them. I don’t know what exactly I can do to feel like I do deserve them
Think that even if you would have been born straight and had ended up with a man you may not have had the perfect life you created in your mind. In fact, very few people live the life they had imagined for themselves. Even if you had been straight, married to a man and had his kids which may be your idea of the "perfect life" you probably still would have to deal with what a lot of couples deal with : fights, betrayal (cheating/lying), decrease of libido post baby, built up resentment (due to lack of sex or how little he does around the house), separation/divorce. Being straight doesn't give you the guarantee of the perfect life. In fact how many people do you know live the perfect life? You could have been straight and never found a man you liked, or only fallen for bad men but you are gay and you got yourself a loving girlfriend. It's not far from perfect in most book and not something all straight folks will get to experience. Regardless of your sexuality, you can't control every detail of your life. You need to let go and accept that if you are where you are at the moment, it's probably because it's where you are meant to be.
You are 100% right, and at most points in time, what I like to call my rational side, can see all of that, and acknowledges all of these truths. I see that I really have a great thing going for me, I have a fantastic girlfriend and an awesome family. I really have no reason to feel the way that I do, but I still do. That makes me feel so selfish and whiny, but it’s also how I feel. I haven’t been able to change it yet, which is how I ended up here, looking for peopl like you for an additional perspective
