I don’t like the uncertainty. I don’t like that I’ve opened my mind to the possibility of being gay, and now I can’t seem to either get an answer that satisfies me or find a way to dismiss the question. I don’t like that people assume they understand me inside out when I share these feelings and thoughts with them. I don’t like that what they see in me is completely disconnected from how I see myself. I feel like I missed a memo, a joke that everyone else is in on and that I got left out of. Or sometimes I think everyone else is just running on their own preconceived bullshit. I don’t like the patronising answers people give when they say sexuality is on a spectrum and that I don’t need to have everything figured out or nearly tidied away. I don’t like that my feelings can’t be controlled, or that they make no sense, or are not easily categorised. It makes me feel inaccessible and difficult and a bother to others. I don’t get hot for men like I do for women. I’ve never found guys to be cute or hot like I have for girls. I listen to gay friends and watch how they relate to and describe guys they fancy, and I just don’t relate. I don’t feel complete with men like I have with women in the past. I have missed men terribly, and some have meant a huge amount to me, but they don’t have the capacity to elate and destroy me emotionally the way women do. I feel like a weird pervert. I feel like I’m lying to myself and I don’t want to upset anyone when I can’t be what they want me to be. Do I just want something I’m incapable of having? I don’t like that I chicken out of hookups, as I feel it’s the only way I can get any answers. I don’t like that I’m too shy to follow through. I don’t like that I’m terrified of getting an std or putting my face out there. I don’t like how private and paranoid I am. I feel like I’m just avoiding women because they’re too consequential to me and it’s easier to do without. Men feel like an escape. I want it to be easy, but it isn’t. Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing this on purpose. Do I like to be confused? I envy people who know themselves, and are comfortable with it. I want that more than anything. I feel pathetic in comparison to them. I want to explore life and have fun, not be anxious and full of worry. I just want it to stop. I wish someone would say the magic set of words I need to hear that would put my mind at rest. Nothing fits anymore. My feelings don’t feel real. I feel unfinished and broken and no good to anyone. I’m terrified that won’t change, or I’ll do something stupid in an effort to resolve it. Sorry for the long rant, just felt like sharing how I feel right now.