1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I don’t like how any of this feels

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by blagh, Sep 30, 2019.

  1. blagh

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2019
    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    23
    Location:
    asd
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I don’t like the uncertainty.

    I don’t like that I’ve opened my mind to the possibility of being gay, and now I can’t seem to either get an answer that satisfies me or find a way to dismiss the question.

    I don’t like that people assume they understand me inside out when I share these feelings and thoughts with them. I don’t like that what they see in me is completely disconnected from how I see myself. I feel like I missed a memo, a joke that everyone else is in on and that I got left out of. Or sometimes I think everyone else is just running on their own preconceived bullshit.

    I don’t like the patronising answers people give when they say sexuality is on a spectrum and that I don’t need to have everything figured out or nearly tidied away.

    I don’t like that my feelings can’t be controlled, or that they make no sense, or are not easily categorised. It makes me feel inaccessible and difficult and a bother to others.

    I don’t get hot for men like I do for women. I’ve never found guys to be cute or hot like I have for girls. I listen to gay friends and watch how they relate to and describe guys they fancy, and I just don’t relate. I don’t feel complete with men like I have with women in the past. I have missed men terribly, and some have meant a huge amount to me, but they don’t have the capacity to elate and destroy me emotionally the way women do.

    I feel like a weird pervert.

    I feel like I’m lying to myself and I don’t want to upset anyone when I can’t be what they want me to be. Do I just want something I’m incapable of having?

    I don’t like that I chicken out of hookups, as I feel it’s the only way I can get any answers. I don’t like that I’m too shy to follow through. I don’t like that I’m terrified of getting an std or putting my face out there. I don’t like how private and paranoid I am.

    I feel like I’m just avoiding women because they’re too consequential to me and it’s easier to do without. Men feel like an escape.

    I want it to be easy, but it isn’t. Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing this on purpose. Do I like to be confused?

    I envy people who know themselves, and are comfortable with it. I want that more than anything. I feel pathetic in comparison to them. I want to explore life and have fun, not be anxious and full of worry.

    I just want it to stop. I wish someone would say the magic set of words I need to hear that would put my mind at rest. Nothing fits anymore. My feelings don’t feel real. I feel unfinished and broken and no good to anyone. I’m terrified that won’t change, or I’ll do something stupid in an effort to resolve it.

    Sorry for the long rant, just felt like sharing how I feel right now.
     
    Hope4love likes this.
  2. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,121
    Likes Received:
    3,255
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey I am sorry that you are struggling with all of this. Have you seen a therapist?

    It sounds to me like you are having feelings for guys that you dont like and that you are struggling to find a place where you can feel at peace with everything you have going on.
    Hookups are not for everyone, and they aren't the only way to find the answers to all of your questions.

    What do you think other people want you to be?
     
    blagh likes this.
  3. Oliverrrrr

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2019
    Messages:
    97
    Likes Received:
    37
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I had similar experiences at some point.

    Relationships with women were possible but....I'd get to a point where they wouldnt progress, mainly I think as I wasnt at all emotionally available, either with myself or them - though I did have feelings of falling in love and all that good emotional stuff. I'd just meet this brick-wall and couldnt get past it. After a good few failed situations with women I really did care for and loved I called a halt to relationships with women.

    I already knew I was attracted to men and chose to explore that side of myself exclusively. What I found was that although I was sexually attracted to some men, the %age of men I was attracted to was far lower than for women, and I was generally far less emotionally attracted to men. There were a few I'd develop emotional feelings for, at times including butterflies in my stomach though not as many, not as hard, not as deep. Still, at least I was able to maintain sexual relations without those pesky emotions getting in the way!

    Worth noting that I never had any problem at all personally or with parents or friends about sexuality issues. I grew up in a very left of centre family, in the South East of the UK - the family had gay and lesbian friends and my first bossess were a couple of dykes - so there was no sense of shame of any sort, ever, regarding sexuality.

    Once I'd noted that I wasnt as emotionally drawn to men as I was to women I knew that I'd have to open up my relationship game a bit - this was some 4 years of experimentation later - and it wasnt easy. I found I was more ready to have emotionally involved relationships with women, as well as very nice and healthy sexual relations with men - though generally not at the same time. I seem to be a one person at a time kind of guy.
    Oddly, for me there was not really any urge to find out what I was, or who I was. No need for labels, just a sense that I was me.
    True, others sometimes had trouble in trying to pidgeon hole me, and I was told a number of times by chums deeply embedded in the gay community that 'I just wasn't really very gay' but to me that meant they had given up one fixed model of sexuality for another one. My take was that if you had found that the model of heterosexuality didnt suit you, you were then free to invent anything you felt like, so why would you take on such a similarly restrictive model for relationships and behaviours? The answer of course is that it just suits some people, and beyond that, society just assumes that everyone fits the same (or similar) M/F dynamic, whether it's cisM/F or gay butch/fem.

    Sorry to ramble on - I just thought that it might be worth sharing a different experience of something that sounds like a fairly similar sexuality.
    I did suffer emotional confusions along the way, for sure, they just were never about the sexuality part.
    It may be worth knowing that it's OK not to be OK, and to be confused, and that it can take time exploring to get comfortable with yourself.
    My advice would be to treat it like an adventure - keep exploring.
     
  4. blagh

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2019
    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    23
    Location:
    asd
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Ii just feels like people want me to be gay. It makes me easier to digest for them. But I just don't think I am. I'm just not attracted to guys in that way.

    But there are times I wish I was. There are times when I look at how gay guys react to guys they fancy, and there's a clear emotional & physical intensity that I'd love to share with them. I've recognised that in myself around girls.

    But at the same time, I can't deny that the idea of having hot fucked up sex with a guy turns me on. But I don't think it's the same thing as what gay people feel - it feels more paraphilic. And I wish it could move past that and into genuine attraction for another person, but I just don't think it's there. So I feel like a fucked up pervert who's pretending / interloping.

    I dunno, I have a lot of conflicting thoughts and none of them want to reconcile or land. I feel like a weirdo.
     
    idunnome, Aldia and Oliverrrrr like this.
  5. Oliverrrrr

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2019
    Messages:
    97
    Likes Received:
    37
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I dont feel as much like an odd-ball as I once did - only I revelled in it.

    One thing I'll add that again seems similar - when I came back out of the closet in reverse and started seeing women again, that somehow felt a bit perverse. I still sometimes have a sense that straight sex is what feels perverse for me, like there's a frisson of transgression about it somehow. Weird indeed. :slight_smile: Lol.
     
    blagh likes this.
  6. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,121
    Likes Received:
    3,255
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    What makes you feel that people want you to be gay? Are these people online or in real life or both?

    Do you think you have accepted the attraction you do have to guys? Even if you say it goes no further than wanting to have hot sex with them.
     
    blagh likes this.
  7. blagh

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2019
    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    23
    Location:
    asd
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I think people listen to what I say, and already have me pegged. It makes me feel like they're not listening or taking me seriously if they already feel like they know where this road is going.

    I feel comfortable calling myself bisexual nowadays because it helps express the weird "in-between" place I find myself, and I feel rather used to it at this point. But I still question and wonder about its validity, and whether I'm in denial or repressed - mainly because I listen to other people say that they related to what I'm going through and eventually decided down the road that they were gay, and I'm just too curious to see if that will happen to me as well.
     
    idunnome likes this.
  8. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,121
    Likes Received:
    3,255
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    These people that you think have already decided the destination of your journey, are these people on places like EC or people in real life?

    So if you are happy calling yourself bisexual for the most part but you chicken out of hookups, do you think this is because you aren't really a hookup person or do you think its something else that holds you back?
     
  9. blagh

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2019
    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    23
    Location:
    asd
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Both.

    I've done it once - I did it on a whim one morning. I haven't managed to get the courage to do it again, mainly because I'm afraid I'll catch a disease (which I managed to do the first time, thankfully nothing serious).
     
  10. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,121
    Likes Received:
    3,255
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Do you think there is a part of you that wants to just be straight?

    I can understand your concerns with hookups, I guess you have to take reasonable precautions or not hookup. I am sure you are not the only one with these concerns.
     
  11. blagh

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2019
    Messages:
    50
    Likes Received:
    23
    Location:
    asd
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I think all I want is for the uncertainty to go away. I envy people who seem to have a strong and steady hold of who they are. I seem to loose track of myself in all the noise rather easily. To be frank, if given the choice of being straight or gay...I think I'd rather be gay, but only because it feels more alien to me and I'd love for it not to.
     
    idunnome likes this.
  12. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,121
    Likes Received:
    3,255
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think a lot of people who are now sure of themselves have been in a similar position to where you are at some point in their lives, I know I have. I know it sounds stupid but the less you think and worry over it the clearer it usually becomes. `I can totally sympathise with the uncertainty and wanting to know one way or the other but I think sometimes you have to say to yourself, at the moment, bisexual feels most relevant so I am going to go with that and if I get to a point where I think that is no longer the best label, then I will reassess the situation.
     
    Aldia and blagh like this.
  13. blackhair

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2019
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Sweden
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Blagh,

    I have read through the thread and, my opinion is that, your problem lies not with not knowing for sure if you are gay, nor not liking the openness of bisexuality, or with feeling broken and fake, or even with wanting to be gay. Your problem is that you lack focus in your life. For some reason you're fixating on your sexuality, and although it's more than normal and okay to be explore your sexuality, what you're describing is bordering on making you feel sick. I'm not saying this to be mean. I'm in the same situation. These are the magic words I would want to hear. And then I'd like to chuck my computer out of the window because the internet makes me feel even more sick, rid myself of all the friends I don't actually want to be friends with, buy tons of books and educate myself (everything I learn now, I forget the next day), focus on nurturing the relationships I have, be in the moment with the people I meet instead of being in my head, and not think so goddamn much about what things mean, or what I want and desire. If it's meant to happen, it will happen. If I'm meant to chase it, I will chase it. Naturally. Life is not online, and it's not in your head.

    Do you get where I'm trying to get at?

    All my best wishes to the both of us.

     
    In a fog and out2019 like this.