I came out to my husband last weekend. :icon_bigg After years of questioning I accepted that I was gay last December. I came out to my sister but anything more seemed impossible. I´ve been struggling a lot this year. Self-hate. Guilt. Sick of lying. Not sleeping. Frustrated and stressed all the time. Angry. No energy for my kids (we´ve got three). For a long time I thought I could just ignore my feelings for women. I thought I could just go on with my straight marriage and pretend forever and ever. It´s not possible. It destroys you. It eats you from the inside out. I was starting to have panic attacks. Wishing I would die. No way out. I´ve had conversations with my husband about how our marriage is not working out but we always go back to the same routine. Work and taking care of kids. I couldn´t anymore. I mentally and physically couldn´t. I came out to him. He was shocked but took it well enough. Maybe even a bit relieved to find out the actual truth. After a long conversation we decided on staying at our house together (that we are re-doing btw...). Staying as friends, for now. We´ve always been good friends and I care for him very much. We both know that won´t go on forever but for now that´s good. He said he wanted me happy. I want him to be happy too. Things will change. But for now, this is what I want. Later an open marriage might be an option.. I don´t know.. I´m out to him. It´s a start. And we´re going to figure things out together. He reacted in the best way possible. Leaving a 13 years marriage was/is terrifying. Leaving the security. Leaving the double income home. Leaving the life we´ve built. I´m not leaving it right now. But our whole situation has now changed. I know more feelings will emerge from him. Anger - sadness - stress and more. But I´m thinking one day at a time. I´m happy today.