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I could use a clear label.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by SneakyFennec, Jul 3, 2016.

  1. SneakyFennec

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    Ayyo,
    So...When asked about my orientation..I've never ever given a clear answer.
    There was a process of questioning going on for years. But everytime I was asked,I'd go "meh,probably straight. I've never been attracted to anyone anyways"
    One day,my friend in Finland and I were on a video game,playing online.Something just...Clicked,instantly.It just happened.A very strong epiphany and so many feelings.I urged him to pause the game.
    "Why?"
    "Dude,I think I'm gay"
    My love life being non-existant,and my sex life entirely on the internet. I decided to check out gay pornography. It was awesome. It still is.
    And,over time this year,and especially the last few months,homosexual tendencies became clearer and clearer. And the homophobic people in my circles louder and louder.
    As a result,well,I just don't know if I'm attracted to women anymore. Just no clue.
    I feel like bi and pan aren't fitting,like gay is too extreme,but I'm evidently,obviously not straight....Not anymore?
    I could use the perspective of LGBT people as my straight friends aren't really understanding the situation. Thanks.
     
  2. Sasu

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    Gay doesn't necessarily have to mean that you will never, under no circumstances, be attracted to the opposite gender, so I think gay would be the best label to fit you, in my opinion. There are a lot of gay people that have an occasional attraction to the opposite gender, but their attraction to the same gender is just so much stronger that they stick with homosexual.

    In short, I think gay would be the best label for you from what you've said, but that doesn't mean you have to be completely repulsed by the thought of being with a woman.

    Alternatively, I suppose you could also use homoflexible which is the primary attraction to the same gender but occasional attraction to the opposite gender, if that makes you feel more comfortable.
     
  3. n3ko

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    were you ever attracted to females?
     
  4. SneakyFennec

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    Well,yeah. I considered myself straight "by default",as I had no emotional attraction whatsoever but the things I watched were exclusively heterosexual.
    Now I just can't describe it.
    It's like I wouldn't mind sex with a female,nor am I repulsed by it or anything,but I just don't want it. That's why I don't claim bisexuality.
    If that's relevant,I don't mind trans people either.
    I have yet to develop feelings for someone,though. Never had any crushes.
     
  5. SHACH

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    I mean all you've talked about is porn. What about real life?
     
  6. SneakyFennec

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    That's the issue?
    No attraction to anyone whatsoever.
    I can tell if someone's attractive,but no emotions or arousal for anyone.
     
  7. SHACH

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    Yeah that is the issue, because porn is not always really that helpful since it is 1. Fantasy not reality and 2. Arousing simply for being super super sexual, whether or not you are hugely attracted to the actors themselves.

    I'm not sure how to help if you've never experienced anything at all in real life except to say, try and keep your mind really open and live a little - what really matters is gaining real life experience. Oh and I should add that before I accepted liking other girls, I did crush on boys but I never really understood feeling arousal when interacting with a person. Once I opened up I did experience that with girls. So that's why I would say to make sure you're really open.
     
    #7 SHACH, Jul 4, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2016
  8. SneakyFennec

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    Let's just say the ultra-homophobic,oppressive,dangerous,conservative and somewhat religious environment I'm in really really doesn't help with real life experiences.
     
  9. SHACH

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    I get what you're saying but I still stand by what I said. You can't say much based on porn. And I don't mean necessarily actually having relationships. I mean at least just feelings you've had in life for male friends or just cute guys in class. Can you identify any crushes? Even celebrity crushes are more interesting to me than porn. And fantasies. If you can talk about a few of those things we might have something to go by. But you can't really decide on your orientation based on some random online stuff.
     
  10. SneakyFennec

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    My attraction to guys is pretty clear.
    When I watch football I find myself fantasizing about the players instead of focusing on the game.I check out cute guys outside and at school,and for a while,I thought I had on crush on a friend of mine,who lives in another country...That feeling just disappeared,very quickly.
    I just don't know if women have any effect on me. I'm just confused,very,very confused about girls.
    And kind of disturbed by the lack of emotions. I never loved anyone,I think.
     
  11. SHACH

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    Okay that makes it more clear. And I understand being confused about the straighter side of my attractions. Perhaps the fact that you never seems to feel anything until you realised that you might be gay is and indicator that uot are gay. You don't need to search for your attractions to women, you've found where your attractions lie. Also, it's fine that you don't feel like you've ever loved anyone. You're still young, this can happen any time.
     
  12. sandrew255

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    If it helps, I remember that up to the age of 16 I had no sexual contact with anyone, so my sex life was all in my head! I can remember being turned on by straight porn - in those days it was a lot harder to get gay porn - no internet! I thought I was probably gay, in that I focussed on the male form, fantasised about men mostly. I started to search for anything that was gay related - films, TV, books - again, in those days it was limited - and was fascinated by the few people I knew in real life who were rumoured to be gay. Finally, I developed a crush on a guy, there was reciprocation, I was scared, but eventually we ended up in bed together, and that was the moment when I just knew that this was what I needed.
    I'm sorry that you are currently in a situation that makes it hard to explore your feelings. I know how all consuming the hunger can be, and how long a year can be, but you have a lot of life ahead of you, and your situation will change in a year or so probably. In the meantime talk to your friends, find support groups like this. Personally, I'd try to avoid a big showdown with your family - but that's just me, I'd rather try to change their views from the inside. You don't have to pretend to be anything you are not, but you probably do need to find a place in your life where you can be valued for exactly who you are - however confused that may be - a close friend, an internet buddy, or a support group. Wishing you much happiness.

    ---------- Post added 6th Jul 2016 at 06:13 PM ----------

    OK, so I just read some more of your posts, and I now have a clearer picture of the societal pressures you face.
    My first thought was - keep safe!! - I'm sure you understand the dangers a lot better than I do.
    Secondly, I imagine the chances of finding any support locally is pretty unlikely. Of course there are other gay people around you, but just be careful.
    One thing you know, there is a huge community of people around the world, on sites like this who will willingly talk things through with you, so you really do not need to feel alone.
     
  13. mmmelody

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    There's also a romantic scale too - not everyone is super sexually attracted to others. You don't have to feel romantic attraction to someone - or sexual attraction - to be "normal;" you could just be demiromantic or aromantic. Or, you could be somewhere between romantic and demiromantic, or between hypersexual and demisexual, etc.

    I've found that the Purple-Red Scale seems to explain this pretty well. It's like the Kinsey scale but it takes romantic attraction into account.
     
  14. SneakyFennec

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    Every single person here is abnormally supportive and helpful. Thank you so much <3
     
  15. sandrew255

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    Nothing abnormal about being supportive, surely? lol
    That's what we are here for x
     
  16. Chip

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    I strongly suggest avoiding the confusion of buying into the idea there's a separation between romantic and sexual orientation. There's no credible research, nor much of anyone credible in the field who has found any indication of this.

    Based on what you're indicating, it seems pretty likely you're closer to gay than anything else... but of course this is likely complicated by the environment you live in and the difficulty of not being able to express outwardly what you're feeling and experiencing.

    Also, keep in mind that bisexual, gay and straight are basically three points on what is really a continuum rather than a trinary scale. So while, for example, you could be mostly attracted to guys, but have some minor attraction to women, you could still label as "gay" if you prefer, since the labels, to a large extent, are matters of convenience that simply help you (or maybe others) categorize where you lie on the spectrum.

    Nobody will care if you later date a girl and relabel as bisexual. And nobody will care if you choose that label now. In the end, the label is simply something that's a descriptor that attempts to create a common language for understanding of who we are.

    Hopefully, we're using labels that somebody, somewhere has studied, explored, and validated, so that there's actual meaning to the labels. But whatever label works for you is fine.
     
  17. n3ko

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    I don't think there needs to be credible research when it comes to how people want to identify themselves. it's very very difficult to conduct research on subjective issues such as romantic identity. it relies on purely anecdotal evidence. I don't think we will see reliable research of that kind in the near future. all we can rely on is our own experience and I don't see a problem with exploring that aspect of yourself if you feel it is true for you.

    my personal experience is that there is a separation between my romantic and sexual orientation. I noticed this because the way in which I develop emotion attraction for a person does not fully align with my physical attractions. it may not work like that for others but for me it does. for me to say that it is the same for everyone would be like someone saying everyone is sexually fluid which is also not how some people (myself included) experience things. of course that would be wrong. however I think it's still of value for some of us in our considerations of ourselves and how we identity.

    also to completely ignore that some people feel their romantic attractions are separate from their sexual orientation, is to erase romantic asexuals.

    ---------- Post added 10th Jul 2016 at 04:40 PM ----------

    I think this is the stifling point really. living in that kind of dangerous environment doesn't allow you to explore that. but I do think those experiences are, maybe not always necessary, but helpful, in determining a "clear label".
     
    #17 n3ko, Jul 10, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2016
  18. n3ko

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    further thinking on your experience, perhaps developing feelings for someone is more involved than you are able to undertake at the moment, with the restrictions placed upon you by your circumstances. and aside, there's many different aspects which create a bond between people, forgetting the visual/physical things, emotional bond for some people is only created on a foundation of friendship/knowing someone well.
     
  19. amethysthunder

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    I was in the middle of writing a response but didn't realize my computer was about to die! I had written a lot but I'll stick to the main gist I wanted to get at: identity labels pretty much exist only for practical social reasons, and because there is meaning attached to them they help us develop a sense of who we are. If you consider your sexual orientation as one thing now you could very well change years down the line, and it is helpful to have a language and means of expressing that. It is also helpful to have a language and means of expressing our desire in a way that others can understand. But if you're not someone who attaches much meaning to your interactions with people in the sense that you don't care how others categorize you, the necessity of the label diminishes. As you move through the spectrum, enabled only by time and your ability to move through space beyond your home and where you're confined right now, its possible your desires will shift to different points within the spectrum and that highlights the fluid dynamic of sexuality. Maybe it will happen for you maybe it won't, it is okay to not know exactly where you fall on the spectrum.

    When I read your first post my immediate thought was that you are queer. The word queer embraces the entirety of the LGBT spectrum and includes ANY non-normative sexuality. Chip hopes "we're using labels that somebody, somewhere has studied, explored, and validated, so that there's actual meaning to the labels." Its a good thing to report that there is an ever-growing body of knowledge on the subjects of queer theory and identity politics, respectively. A lot of it, admittedly, is esoteric and may be beyond what some people (including you) "need" to get through their lives. I say that from school experience, I have many college friends who studied gender, women, and sexuality. The theories are mind-boggling, boundary-pushing, and liberating.

    Also, porn helped me too to figure out what I liked. I first discovered straight porn and focused way more on the guy. Porn might not be real life, but the point is to evoke desire, which is a very real component of life...hence why the industries are one of the world's most lucrative.

    Given your circumstances, I would try to read some fiction, literature can help us understand the narrative elements of our lives. Sexuality is an important part of that narrative. If you're concerned about privacy, we can help with that.
     
  20. AngelLikesSpace

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    I would say you should try looking at the asexual andd aromantic spectrums and see if you can identify with any of those labels. I'll link a blog that I think is a good resource Fuck Yeah Asexual (sorry for the f word in the url if you don't like that but it's a great blog)
     
    #20 AngelLikesSpace, Jul 13, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2016