So, i've been thinking about coming out as trans to my family. I'm afab, turning 16 in 4 months. I can't come out because my family is breaking down. My mom and dad started hating each other and they are fighting almost every day. My dad used to hit my mom several times. It happened in the past too. I was frustrated one night and when he hit her i shouted i'll go and report him to police next day and than he told me "Go and do it but never show up in front of me again". I don't know what to do, i'm crying every day and i'm in desperate. I noticed that i want to kill myself every time they fight. I just tell myself i can't take it anymore. I feel like my life is over. There isn't a single day i smiled since all the problems started. My dad started drinking alcohol (not too much) but it bothers my mom and she always starts yelling at him because he spends money on it and then they start fighting... They stopped smoking too and they are nervous all the time. What should i do?
My heart goes out to you, brother. I cannot rightly tell you what you should do in this situation, because I don't want you to be in danger. For now it might be a good option to wait it out and keep your head low. Your father will act how he will, and it may be unwise to try and intervene. For you though, there are some things you can do. The thing about coming out sometimes, is that there is never an ideal time to do so. What is important is whether you will be safe if you come out sooner rather than later. Consider how your family will react. If coming out now puts you or others in danger, or could end you up on the streets, don't do it. Sometimes it is better to wait until you are 18 and independent before making a move. I know hearing that can be disheartening. Personally I came out shortly after turning 17 to parents who I knew would be extremely unsupportive. I was almost thrown out; the only reason they didn't is because I agreed to do what they wanted. As a result, they decided to put me under 'house arrest' and forbade any contact with people outside of the home, severed phone and internet use, and told me I could not present masculinely (e.g. wear boy clothes or short hair). This went on for two years and it was the hardest two years of my life. It was not until I left home for a university far away that I was afforded the freedom to be myself and later come out publicly (resulting in my entire family disowning me). I tell you a little of my story to say this. Sometimes there will only be bad choices, but you still have to choose. Your choice is whether to wait or tell your parents now. If you wait, it's more time in the closet. If you come out, it's risking your safety. If there is any chance you will be hurt then do not do it. I was lucky that my father did not resort to physical violence - but even so, I suffered emotional abuse for years living in that home. It didn't make it better to come out early. I don't want to scare you away from coming out though. If there are people in your life who you can trust, I would recommend telling them first. It is invaluable to have a support system for when you come out to the more difficult people - that way you have a safety net or somewhere to go if things go wrong. In the meantime do what you can. Drop hints. Exercise as much freedom as you have right now to present in a way that makes you comfortable. See about getting a binder if you don't have one. But most importantly, always keep fighting. Your life is so valuable, and there are (and will be even more) people who love and care about you. When I was your age I thought it would be impossible to transition - that I would lose everything, never get on T, never have top surgery, never have friends or hell, definitely not a boyfriend. Now I'm fully out as trans, on testosterone, scheduling top surgery, have friends who love and support me as Alec, a few family members who are becoming more supportive, and yes even a boyfriend. You're worth it. Your future is worth it. This may be some of the hardest times of your life right now, and it hurts so much. But there is always hope. It gets better.
Thank you soo much for motivating me Alec! I'll keep that in mind and i'll try to figure something out. I planned to come out to one of my best friends (she is my crush). I'll do it maybe this week. I already told my cousin and he is super suportive and he cares about me a lot. Thanks once again!
