I feel heartbroken. When I began dating my husband, I was a college freshman, young, strong and brilliant. Our lives twined around each other and I absorbed his interests with wonder. College was difficult for me, for the first time ever I struggled with my studies. I knew he was so much more clever than I was, and I was so proud of everything he knew. As he helped me learn, I began to shrink. I questioned everything I did. I asked him to check my homework, look over my emails to professors, do my taxes and financial aid. I hid my own interests as I took on his. Slowly but surely, his goals became my goals. Instead of seeing myself as a trailblazer, I shifted into the role of helpmate and cheerleader. He had so much more potential than me, so it was only natural. I saw value in that position, and I still do. He's got an amazing career, no small part because of my support. He was the only friend I made in four years of college, and we were married mere weeks after graduation. I was physically attracted to him, early on. I liked how he made me feel. Wanted, beautiful, for the first time in my life. He was cute, tall and thin, sensitive, kind. So unlike any other boy I had ever met, and I admired him deeply. When the physical attraction faded, I attributed it to my growing anxiety and depression, my lack of direction for my future career. How can you love someone else if you don't love and respect yourself, I thought. I need to keep working on me and then finally I will feel that draw, that physical love, that attraction again. New relationship energy fades for everyone, the books say, the blogs said. Just because you don't feel passion anymore doesn't mean that you don't still love each other. What does in love mean anyway? Isn't what you have with him now so much deeper than that? So I threw myself into church, into parenting. My depression and isolation grew. When I started to have recurring suicidal thoughts, I started taking medication and that helped my depression for a long time. I was able to work through the struggles of parenting young kids and I fell in love with being a mom. I'm still very thankful for the therapy and medication that helped me get over that hump. Being a mom isn't my challenge anymore, it's my passion and life. Then a year ago, I started learning about the growing field of queer theory. Compulsory heterosexuality, heteronormativity, toxic masculinity, ingrained misogyny. The concept that sexuality is fluid. And I started to feel, something...a realization that the years of therapy and struggle, trying to make myself feel something physical for my husband, that perhaps there was a more basic reason for that difficulty. Maybe, just maybe, after all this time, the years of having complicated relationships with my girlfriends, obligatory crushes on boys, masculine preference of dress & appearance, obsession with female celebrities, inability to create arousal from the thought of being with a good man... Maybe I am a lesbian. Maybe I've always been one to some degree, maybe it's fluid and I've turned into one...but maybe that's what I'm very strongly feeling now. I cut my hair. I started dressing the way I want to dress, listening to the music I like. And I'm noticing women all the time. The way they look, the confidence they exude in their lives, the struggles that we all face together in this world controlled by men. And I'm so very drawn to the idea of being with a woman, emotionally & physically, feeling that bond that I think I can only feel with another woman. My husband is a good man. I can't help but feel how selfish I'm being, unable to just tuck this all back in for his sake. For our kids sake. I feel like I did this to myself, that if I'm a woman who has more fluidity, I should just re-immerse myself into hetero- life and then I'll stop having these feelings about women, and I'll go back to having okay sex with my husband instead of gut-wrenching, wrong, why can't I stand this, sex. He's depressed, I'm depressed, and it's all a mess that's completely my fault. I feel like I snared him in when I was young and didn't have the courage to break it off and be alone. That I knew I wasn't attracted, even if I didn't know I was gay. That I should have let him go and not hung on for dear life because I knew I'd never find a better guy for me. And that's true...there is no better guy for me. He thinks I'm the best woman for him, too, and well...I've been a damn good wife. He doesn't feel a need to be with a woman who is massively sexually into him, he was fine with our old life of okay sex. I guess I was, too. It's only now that it seems untenable. Can I go back to the way it was if I am a woman who is more fluid when it comes to sexuality?