I need to get this out... I'm currently living with my dad because he had a heart attack about two months ago. Now he's doing pretty well but he hasn't returned to work yet and he's staying with me. We have a good relationship and we are very close, but if you put us in the same small space for a couple of days, we start arguing. We disagree on many things but what bothers me the most is that he always makes negative comments about my appearance. He says I should wear bras because my breasts are shaggy and that I need to shave etc. Also that he doesn't like how my one shoe has a bigger sole than the other cause my leg is a bit shorter and constantly whines about that. The thing is, I feel good about my body. It's my choice not to shave and I've always thought my boobs look ok. And I consider my little asymmetry to be just an interesting quirk, same as my scars. It's like he's trying to make me feel bad. Today he made a whole argument about me being self destructive because I don't shave and how I don't really like it but it's my way of subconsciously punishing myself for I-don't-know-what by repelling people. Also he says that my same-sex attractions are part of the same self destructive behavior that keeps me from being pretty and finding a good man to marry. I've been living on my own for over four years now, so when we saw each other briefly, it was easier to ignore the comments. But now we're under the same roof all the time and I'm starting to get tired of the situation...
How old are you and your father? I think you know that the ultimate solution is your father needs to move out. What can you do to get him in another place?
I know it's easier said than done, and alot would have to be arranged, but that is highly abusive, and even disgusting sexual harassment about your breasts, what father says things like that? And, yes there might be a cultural difference I'm not aware of for that, but even so, overall it is highly abusive, and you don't need that. You need to find some other arrangement for him to go or some other family or family friends to help, I'm not sure.
Hey Nedussa, You don't say exactly where in Europe you live and the fact that you Dad has such antiquated views probably indicates that you live in Eastern Europe. I would tell you that, as much as respect for your parents has been drummed into you as an integral part of life, certainly respect for one's host also should have a pretty equal standing. While he is your father, he is also your GUEST. You are clearly comfortable with who you are and, based on your post, it's really his incessant nagging about (to you) inconsequential things that is upsetting you. I don't think that anyone who doesn't know both of you personally can offer a truly insightful suggestion for resolving this situation. But I would say that you should either work to just let his ignorant and useless criticisms go over your head until he's ready to leave your care OR you decide that you are ready to confront him and let him know just how ignorant and useless you consider his incessant criticisms on this (these) portion(s) of your life to be. Neither course of action is 'easy', of course. And I guess the final 'ultimatum' to him would be something along the lines of: "do you want to at least tolerate, if not accept, my life - especially since I'm happy with it - or do you just want to disown me and have nothing to do with me for the rest of your life?" Yes, that's extremely harsh, but more often than not, it takes hard ultimatums to get people who 'refuse to change set-in-stone beliefs in the face of reality' to actually change or not (sometimes they are too set in their ways and they won't compromise their stupid beliefs and principles in favor of their (supposed) love for their family. Just my thoughts. I don't know if that helps....
I'm 22, he's 57. As I see it, the only thing I can do at the moment is wait for him to feel ready to live on his own again (he and my mom are divorced), be patient and try to find ways to get some space, like getting out of the house. Lately I've been hanging a lot at the local park, reading and playing some music. I don't know if it's a cultural thing but he says things like that and even I don't consider it abusive. It's distressing and annoying... Maybe that means it's abusive as well but I've never thought of it as such. Maybe once or twice when he said really mean things... Nor I think it's sexual, he just thinks aesthetics are purely subjective and if you don't have the same opinion on appearance then you have some unresolved issues. Or that you agree with him, you're just too stubborn or deluded to admit it. Then he goes on about how you should change or conceal the stuff he doesn't like. Like "stop trying to be a feminist, this thing died fifty years ago, just admit that you'd be prettier with long hair". I fucking really like my short hair. And then he goes full passive aggressive, saying I add to the sorrows that he's had in his life. And I just roll my eyes. Yes, it's Greece, specifically. I don't exactly feel like he's my guest, I mean, he's my dad. And he doesn't feel like this either. But I'd appreciate it at least if he didn't give me orders on how to arrange my life even after he leaves the house. He acts like an inspector, like he came to check if I do things correctly and now he doesn't approve of anything. He also supports me financially. I'm currently trying to find a job cause obviously life would be easier but also because I think it would help him grasp the idea that I'm now an adult. But I haven't managed to find a job, a n y w h e r e. Anyway, enough with the whining, I promise I'm not like that in real life. I've done the second thing multiple times, we end up arguing and he ends it by saying he has had many sorrows in his life and that he shouldn't get more upset because of his condition. So I end up doing the first thing till I can't stand it. I think it will go like that till he leaves, to be honest. He tolerates it, because he thinks I've got issues. If I say "even if you don't agree, just make an effort to at least tolerate it, cause I'm happy this way" he says "you're not happy, you think you are because you are self-destructive and you're sabotaging your way to true happiness". He loves me too much to disown me. At least since my coming out he has stopped comparing same-sex marriage to marrying goats. But, as you put it... is this love? I mean, does he love me or this thing he thinks I am, under the issues he thinks I have? Oh god. Again, I'm sorry for whining so much.
There are some people you cannot reason with. I have this issue with my parents. Often the only thing one can do is say, "When you say ____, I feel _____". It becomes not about who is wrong or right, but expressing about how his actions are affecting you. Doing this and learning how to effectively communicate has greatly reduce conflicts, anger, and stress in my life.
It's a bit hard to explain, but books "The Dance of Anger" or "The Intamacy Factor" have been helpful to me in understanding how it works and how to deal with difficult interpersonal situations.
