1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I can't say it

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Peterpangirl, Apr 17, 2019.

  1. Peterpangirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2017
    Messages:
    846
    Likes Received:
    662
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    My ex-girlfriend split up with me at the start of November...it was really messy and we maintained intermittent contact until March. I started talking to other women online from December onwards as a distraction from the pain of the breakup and to give myself hope. I went on a couple of dates. A couple of other potential dates fell through. Then I started talking to a nice woman. We have started dating, even though we live a couple of hours apart, as in the previous relationship. It is easy talking to my new girlfriend. I am attracted, but it is not the same level of physical attraction as my old girlfriend. It feels different. I do care for her and I have felt turned on during sex and wanted to touch her. I enjoy being close to her. She is intelligent and I admire her as she has suffered due to being sexually abused by her father and yet has risen to a position of power and influence that I really respect as she is making a positive difference to the lives of vulnerable young people. I do care for her well being...but she has told me repeatedly that she loves me and I have not said the words back. It feels at this point as if something in me is broken...that I cannot be "in love". It hurts me that I can't say it back and mean it. And I am sure it hurts her.
     
    #1 Peterpangirl, Apr 17, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2019
    mattblack and Emmareld like this.
  2. Emmareld

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2018
    Messages:
    203
    Likes Received:
    30
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I think it may be as well that the feeling of love may take time to develop. Love is a pretty big word, and there is a lot of weight to that, and as well you were in a relationship prior and it can be hard to open up like that again I think. It takes time to develop that sort of feeling with someone again and it doesn't happen all at once, sometimes it does, but sometimes it doesn't. It all takes time to figure out, that's what the dating phase is for. Then in time it'll either become mutual or you may realize they aren't the one for you, etc.
     
    Peterpangirl likes this.
  3. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    2,141
    Likes Received:
    494
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Ah the question. Are you hurting and this is inhibiting you or is there something missing? I'm not experienced enough to comment beyond this point.
     
    LostInDaydreams likes this.
  4. Lin1

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2015
    Messages:
    1,336
    Likes Received:
    531
    Location:
    somewhere over the rainbow
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Part of me think (and I go based on what you have said here) that while you enjoy her company you simply aren't in love with her, it's not a bad thing but it is bound to make you feel inadequate if you feel the other person has much stronger feelings for you than you do them. Not sure what the solution is though?
     
    mattblack, Aya05 and LostInDaydreams like this.
  5. Peterpangirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2017
    Messages:
    846
    Likes Received:
    662
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Not sure at this point. And yes. I am still hurting.
     
  6. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    2,141
    Likes Received:
    494
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Ah I am very experienced to "some form" of subconscious / conscious pain to comment. Not sure exactly what to do about the pain but it is very powerful. It's one of the 5 basic psychological states we humans have - anger, sadness, joy, shame, fear. In this case sadness = pain. Sadness cuts right to the core of your (our) being.

    Climbing out on a limb, I'd say you are basically graving because of the loss of your girlfriend. Might want to research graving to seek understanding.
     
    Peterpangirl likes this.
  7. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think at this point saying it but not meaning it would be more hurtful than not saying it.

    How long have you been in a relationship?
     
    LostInDaydreams likes this.
  8. Peterpangirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2017
    Messages:
    846
    Likes Received:
    662
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    We started to date in February. No I'm not going to say things I don't mean...you are right Silverhalo.
     
    #8 Peterpangirl, Apr 18, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2019
    mattblack likes this.
  9. Peterpangirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2017
    Messages:
    846
    Likes Received:
    662
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I do feel as if I am grieving still, yes. I would struggle without friends and EC too.
     
    #9 Peterpangirl, Apr 18, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2019
  10. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    In my opinion, 3 months is a very short period of time to be telling someone that you love them. I'm not saying that makes her crazy or unhinged or anything like that just that you shouldn't feel bad that you can't say it. You are obviously still grieving and possibly you need to process that some more before your heart and mind can completely open up to love someone else. Or it's possible you will never feel more for her than you do now. I think it's is something that only time will tell.
     
    LostInDaydreams and mattblack like this.
  11. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    2,141
    Likes Received:
    494
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Injecting humor. Grieving, it's not just for the dead.

    Seriously I've read in numerous places that a break up and/or divorce invokes grieving.
     
    Peterpangirl likes this.
  12. Peterpangirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2017
    Messages:
    846
    Likes Received:
    662
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Yes it is a big word and one I don't want to use lightly or insincerely.
     
    Emmareld likes this.
  13. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    4,300
    Likes Received:
    2,096
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I don’t really think that I can add anything to what’s been said above...but I saw your posts when you broke up with your ex and it was clearly a very painful experience. Could part of it be reluctance to open yourself up and risk suffering the same thing again?

    But as @silverhalo said, it’s early days.
     
    #13 LostInDaydreams, Apr 21, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2019
    Emmareld likes this.
  14. Peterpangirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2017
    Messages:
    846
    Likes Received:
    662
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Yes. I think so.
     
    #14 Peterpangirl, Apr 21, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2019
  15. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think there are different kinds of love as well, not that I'm saying one is better than the other. I think sometimes it can be powerful and explosive from the start and that's great it really grabs your attention, but sometimes (not always) it can burn out quicker. Almost like the trailer for a movie where when you watch the movie actually all the good bits you've already seen. Then there is slow burn and build where it just gradually builds between you, and around you and often without you noticing and then one day you turn around and realise what has been built around you.
    It's difficult to give things time when you are grieving and aren't sure.
     
    Peterpangirl likes this.
  16. Fenrir

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2019
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Family only
    I find that “love” is a vague word that often does capture how we truly feel. The Greeks had six words for different types of love after all.

    You probably feel like that friendship or warm regard kind of love and not Eros. Nothing wrong with that. Though I get that when two people have different intensity of feelings towards each other it tends to muck things up.

    I’ll just say that you can’t help how you feel, it is what it is. But feelings, like other things, change. I’m not that good at this sort of thing but that’s the best advice I have. Things change. You may be able to say it later, or not. But don’t blame yourself for not matching her feelings.
     
    Peterpangirl likes this.
  17. Peterpangirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2017
    Messages:
    846
    Likes Received:
    662
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Yes. Thank you. It's a tough one. And I do get what you are saying about love. And you are right that I am not sure. But I do care for her. There's a lot going on for her as well with issues relating to a childhood of sexual abuse. It makes intimate relationships very difficult for her.
     
  18. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I don't think you should underestimate how big a part that will play. With your ex you had a completely uninhibited freeing experience, but in this scenario she isn't going to be completely free and perhaps your concern for her wellbeing also impacts your experience. It's very possible that the longer you are together and the better you know each other the easier this will become.
     
    Emmareld and Peterpangirl like this.