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I Cant Handle This

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by ken867, Jun 19, 2018.

  1. ken867

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2018
    Messages:
    88
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    Location:
    Ontario
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I identify as a trans boy. I currently have a binder, I am not on hormones or hormone blockers, and I have short, wear men's clothing, and rarely speak in public to avoid getting misgendered. I can't stand the waiting. I know its important, and that one day Ill be happier, but it seems so far away. I see a therapist and I'm going to be seeing a psychiatrist soon and a gender clinic. However, it all seems so far away. I can't stand looking at myself in when I shower, I hate when I cant wear my binder because my chest is big, and I've recently had to go up a size in my binder because I grew two sizes. I hate my chest. I want it gone. I want top surgery. My dads already told me hes not going to pay for it. Hell help out, but Ill have to earn the majority of it. He sees it as a choice. Every day it feels s like I'm living in a nightmare. Eat, dysphoria, shower, dysphoria, attend school, dysphoria, sleep, dysphoria. I cant take it. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts, and eating is often difficult. I've dealt with self-harm and my anxiety plays a major role in me feeling depressed. People know about these things, and I'm still getting help. But I cant keep on living in this world in a body that was wrongfully given to me. I've limited what I wear down to five tee shirts, hoodies, jeans, and collared shirts because if I wear anything else I have a higher risk of getting misgendered. I hate seeing my dead name on documents at school. but we cant change it yet. I cants stand it. I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically.
     
  2. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    England (Lincolnshire)
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm sorry you are experiencing so much pain and I can only imagine how devastating it must be to endure this agony every day. It sounds like you are expressing yourself in masculine ways, but is there anything else you could do that might help to ease the dysphoria and distress. You've already cut your hair short and wear men's clothing, so that is a start, but I just wonder if you have considered men's shower gels, deodorant and fragrance, weight and strength training and dietary changes for a natural testosterone kick. Have you searched online to see if there are any vocal techniques that you could practice? What about temporary tattoo's in a masculine design? Would that be an option (parents and school permitting of course). Tattoo's may help to cover up any scars arising from self injury too.

    Playing the waiting game while you are struggling so much is very hard, but you could use this time of waiting to really think about and plan your future during and after transitioning. Sitting around waiting is the worst thing, but if we use the waiting time to focus and strategize it can ease some of the emotional burden.

    Think very carefully before harming yourself. I know it must be terribly hard when there is a silent scream going on within you, but self injury often leaves permanent scars and there is no coming back from suicide. If you were to end it all you will be forever be remembered as your current gender and I'm sure that thought alone is hard to take. I wouldn't wish to die and be memorialised as anything other than male and I'm sure you feel the same way. If you hang on in there, make the transition and do the legal necessities to change your name you will be the person you desire to be.

    Keep talking and don't try to go it alone. As a cis male I can only try to imagine what it's like for you, but I hope these comments have helped just a tiny bit.
     
    ken867 likes this.
  3. Tessia

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2018
    Messages:
    11
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    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hey first I would suggest coming out, maybe asking to go to a gender therapy session- I’ve heard that helps with finding your gender identity easier to deal with. I would also go to a doctor that specializes in depression to maybe get prescribed some meds
     
  4. ken867

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    13
    Location:
    Ontario
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I am out but finding a gender therapist has been difficult. I have been trying to see multiple doctors but none have been able to help me. I'm in the process of awaiting an appointment to a gender clinic but that will take a year at least