I identify as a trans boy. I currently have a binder, I am not on hormones or hormone blockers, and I have short, wear men's clothing, and rarely speak in public to avoid getting misgendered. I can't stand the waiting. I know its important, and that one day Ill be happier, but it seems so far away. I see a therapist and I'm going to be seeing a psychiatrist soon and a gender clinic. However, it all seems so far away. I can't stand looking at myself in when I shower, I hate when I cant wear my binder because my chest is big, and I've recently had to go up a size in my binder because I grew two sizes. I hate my chest. I want it gone. I want top surgery. My dads already told me hes not going to pay for it. Hell help out, but Ill have to earn the majority of it. He sees it as a choice. Every day it feels s like I'm living in a nightmare. Eat, dysphoria, shower, dysphoria, attend school, dysphoria, sleep, dysphoria. I cant take it. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts, and eating is often difficult. I've dealt with self-harm and my anxiety plays a major role in me feeling depressed. People know about these things, and I'm still getting help. But I cant keep on living in this world in a body that was wrongfully given to me. I've limited what I wear down to five tee shirts, hoodies, jeans, and collared shirts because if I wear anything else I have a higher risk of getting misgendered. I hate seeing my dead name on documents at school. but we cant change it yet. I cants stand it. I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically.