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I can't get enough gay material...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by cjmiller, Oct 25, 2019.

  1. cjmiller

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    So, since I've come out to myself, I've joined this site, went to my first LGBT support meeting and I can't get enough gay material. I've scoured the web about the coming out process, found online books about being gay and watched a ton of videos on youtube about coming out.

    Every time I look at my wife I want to just scream I'm gay. Its actual worse than when I was just questioning myself.

    Is this the normal next step?
     
  2. Nickw

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    After I came out to my wife she made this comment "you cannot not be gay and you cannot be gay alone". What she understood is that after we come out, many of us need to validate the feelings. I'm not referring to sex. I'm referring to being around other gay people who you can really open up to.

    I get the feeling of urgency. I think that is pretty common. I'm pretty sure there isn't a cure for this. You just have to march along with your own journey.
     
  3. cjmiller

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    I think she hit the nail on the head when she said "you cannot be gay alone". I'm longing to meet other gays to open up to and share what I'm feeling. I feel so trapped right now.
     
  4. JaymzR1968

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    Wow - would it be too cheesy if I just say: DITTO!
    I cannot tell you how eager I was to “absorb” everything about by “new self/new life/new community that I could get my hands on. Online forums like this one are invaluable (even though I only learned of this one relatively recently) I can’t think of a better place to start really opening up to people who with you have something really fucking awesome in common, and share your feelings, thoughts, and get advice and answers to the hundred of questions you have (some of which you haven’t even thought of yet). That’s what’s cool about this place: the more you immerse yourself and take in the decades of knowledge available to you here, you start to feel more comfortable in your own skin and begin to want even more info and so on, that you come up with even more questions. I love this place personally.

    I wish you all the best on this kick ass expedition into the “unknown” and hope all of your discoveries bring you the treasures you richly deserve. ✌James
     
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  5. Contented

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    I think this is a fairly common experience for those of us later in lifers. I went through something similar wanting to embrace every aspect of being gay. I had the advantage of having a BF who has been gay his whole life. He helped guide me through the questions and concerns. When I finally came to terms with being gay I wanted to shout it from the rooftop. With wearing a rainbow flag I wanted everyone to know I was gay and proud.
     
  6. Rupert30

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    How did you "come to terms" with being gay or find out and accept that you were gay if you don't mind me asking? I feel trapped too except in a prison of my own making wherein I can't seem to either a. accept my sexuality or b. stick with a particular sexuality or c. both - I have thoughts that scream "Im gay" too sometimes, over and over on repeat, sometimes I have to say it out loud to make them a bit quieter - but it doesn't help in the long run. I have read a bunch of gay stuff, the velvet rage, how to be gay, you're gay now what (all books) and this forum, I keep searching for the answer to my problems in them but I inevitably reach a point where I feel alienated. So I'm jealous, how did you reach the peace within yourself?
     
  7. out2019

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    I think it's pretty natural because you've spent a lifetime in denial/repression - imagine if you had been in a coma since age 12, you wake up at age forty - you'd have a lot of catching up to do.
    now you have to figure out how to live -
    I think reading about other's experiences help validate our own, and might even help the process along and provide inspiration and even practical tips
     
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  8. bluehorizon

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    > I've scoured the web about the coming out process, found online books about being gay and watched a ton of videos on youtube about coming
    > out.

    > I'm longing to meet other gays to open up to and share what I'm feeling.

    I came out in 1977, which entailed leaving my then-wife to go out there and "be gay," though I wasn't at all sure what that meant. There was no web then, but I did consult the phone book, and under 'gay' in the White Pages I found a gay community center not far away. I called, and they said, "Drop in anytime!" I did, as it happened, on an AA meeting night, which was pretty funny because I didn't drink at all. The guys there were cordial, inviting me to wait outside the meeting room and then join them for coffee afterwards. To make a long story short, I had sex with one of the guys, who I asked after a bit of conversation to initiate me. The deed was fairly boring, to my disappointment, but he understood and not long after that introduced me to a friend of his. I experienced my first gay crush, which was eventually reciprocated, and I never looked back.

    Which is a LONG way of saying, there comes a time when you have to, I believe, take the proverbial plunge. To go from the imagined to the actual. To take a concrete step from not gay to gay. To exchange bodily fluids one way or another, and not to expect rainbows and unicorns, at least initially.

    Or maybe not! Maybe what you need is something else. All I'm saying is, take a real, concrete step toward what you want, and then another and another.
     
    #8 bluehorizon, Oct 26, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2019
  9. Contented

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    For me the final definitive indicator was the first time I was intimate with another man. I was hesitant at first thinking I could never do that with a guy. Boy was I wrong. It was an incredible awakening sexual experience. To say it was life changing is the absolute truth. I knew then without a doubt I wanted this for the rest of my life. I wanted the physical and emotional connection to another man more than anything I ever wanted. What I thought was real attraction to women was nothing compared to what I felt towards a man once I let my guard down. Since then I have come out, totally embraced the gay me and have never looked back. I miss nothing of that old life and women are simply a non issue. There is no second guessing,no residual attraction to women , just the comfort of knowing I am 100% gay now and the past is simply history. I sometimes even forget I was ever straight it’s that good!
     
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  10. cjmiller

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  11. cjmiller

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    Thanks for you story, it really helps hearing what others have experienced. I went to my first gay support group hoping to meet others, but other find someone to get closer with. It didn't happen but maybe another time.
     
  12. cjmiller

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    Same, here. I'm not proud but I have cheated on my wife once and that experience reassured me that I truly am attracted to men and don't haven't any sexual attraction to women.
     
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  13. Rupert30

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    What if you can't even tell if you're attracted to men? What should I do? Like I feel like I must be - but I have zero want to actually do something with a man. I have gotten urges, but they're more fears I'm gonna do something uncontrollably. I feel like I have to force myself to be with guys and have done so in the past three times but it always felt like I was raping myself and I couldn't get comfortable with it. I know I'm at least a little attracted to women, or quite a bit attracted to women - but am wondering how to open myself up to being in a gay relationship because perhaps I would be happier and stop tripping all the damn time.
     
  14. Contented

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    This is indeed a tough position to be in. Still in a relationship with a woman and absolutely no sexual attraction. For me the urge to be with a man became overpowering I needed to break away and be able to fully embrace my same sex attraction. It proved to be so so right.
     
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  15. David54

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    I feel exactly the same way as you do. I came out to my wife about a month ago and don’t feel too much different now as I’m longing to interact with other gay men. No, not sex just to share an openness I have never experienced. I think your going about it the right way. All the best in your journey.
    David
     
  16. cjmiller

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    Thanks, David. I'm happy for you coming out to your wife. If you don't mind me asking, how did that go when you came out? What finally made you open up to her?
    I really want to, but not sure if it is the right time.
     
  17. JToivonen

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    Wow, It seems like I wrote this post myself!

    I'm not proud of cheating either. But after 33 years of suppression and denial...I had to know for sure what I was. I know, there's no excuses for cheating, but the doubt/desire was driving me insane.

    And I now know what I really am.
     
  18. cjmiller

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    Well sometimes you have to taste the forbidden apple to know.
     
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  19. JToivonen

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    Exactly!

    And I must say that I absolutely LOVED IT!
     
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  20. David54

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    Yes, the right time. That’s important. It was the right time for me. I just simply couldn’t go another day with ‘the lie’. I chose a Friday evening before a weekend when we had no plans. Initially she was crushed, so sad. That lead to a million questions. That lead to a ‘clinginess’ on her part. We still have lots of work to do and details to work out. I’d like to stay married but it’s complicated. She doesn’t want me to come out to others as she says she would feel foolish. I get that BUT, I am feeling a very real, very urgent need to become more involved with the gay community. Like I said...lots to work out. At least she’s open to discussion as am I from her and I think that’s the key. Openness, honesty, and full disclosure. You’ll know when the time is right. You’ll feel it. Oh yeah. I also wanted to be the one to tell her and not have her find out by seeing my google search or the coming out
    Videos I’ve been watching on YouTube. Keep in touch. Let me know how you are doing. It will all work out. I really believe that. Even if the road is rocky. I believe it’s worth it. All the best, my friend.
    David.