I can't figure out whether I'm trans or not?

NamelessZombies · Sep 10, 2011

For the past year I've been trying to figure this out. When I was little, I would cry hysterically cause I couldn't wear boxers. But at the same time, I stuck mostly to stereotypical girls toys, I loved playing house, I loved playing with my barbies. But I started wanting to do more boys stuff when I was about 6. I started playing sports and not telling my gender to many people, even though it was obvious I was a girl.

I hated hanging out with girls, because they didn't like to wrestle or play video games or anything like that. Race. Nothing. And most of the girls shunned me and had me play with the boys when we hung out.

I loved playing with hot wheels, me and the boys would get into wrestling matches, etc. I considered myself a boy, even though I knew I was a girl.

I asked if my friend could go swimming and he couldn't because his swim trunks were dirty, I said he could wear one of mine. (Thinking swim trunks were the same because well, I considered myself a boy and I never seen them before.) And his grandma said he couldn't because I had a girl bathing suit. And I got confused. I didn't know the difference.

Then I started puberty, and my mom said I had to start wearing a bra, which I was devastated about. I didn't want to, and I didn't want anything to do with girl stuff anymore. But my mom still pushed me to be into girl stuff.

When I was 12, I binded my chest with an ace bandage and put on boys shirts and really baggy jeans, and I will never forget how I felt looking in the mirror. So happy. I felt like I was complete, satisfied.

I told my mom and she got this horrid look of worry on her face.

I kept saying I looked really good as a boy, and my friends agreed. And I liked it.

I cant stand having boobs, they make me self conscious. And it doesn't help they are rather big, so everyone stares at them and comments on them..

There is times I think I am a girl, I feel like a girl, and I just am happy with the term lesbian. But most of the time its, I want to be a boy. I want people to think I'm a boy.

I can go months identifying as male online, but then I get this little thing in the back of my head, "What are you doing?"

I hate make up, so much, and for me to get more male hair, my mom says, "You would have to wear make up, or you'll look like a boy."

She asks me and I answer truthfully and say, "I don't know." And she gets peeved because she thinks I'm lying and I really do and she says, "Its a question that needs an answer, how can you NOT know?"

Do I sound trans? Or just a very butch lesbian?

I want to be in the military more then anything, but its not transfriendly.. D:

thedreamwatch · Sep 10, 2011

Honestly I can't tell you if you're trans. I don't think anyone can for sure except you. You sound at least kinda genderqueer, but again, I can't really answer that for you.

It's about how you feel most you. Most comfortable with yourself. You keep saying you think of yourself as a boy and that you want people to see you as a boy and that you pass as one on the internet. If that's how you feel most comfortable with yourself, you might be trans.

Other people here on EC will know better about it than me. Hang around, see what people say. Maybe read a bit about transgenderism and all the things that umbrella term encompasses. Do a little research on gender identity and expression. Read some other posts about this here on EC, because there are definitely more.

That's the best I have for you right now, but others will know better.

J Snow · Sep 10, 2011

Okay, first of all, let me begin by saying I can relate to your situation a lot, and in fact in kind of the same boat of uncertainty.

I don't act especially masculine, but I'm not really effeminate either. No one I've told has really suspected me of being gay, so I guess I act like a straight dude.

But when I was younger (like 11 or 12) I started pretending to be a girl online and loved the feeling (not really in a sexual way, wasn't even aware of masturbation yet). Well sometimes I would get OBSESSED with wanting to be a girl. I'd stay up and pray to be one. Then like three months would pass and I'd really not think about it.

So I met my bf a year ago (tomorrow ) and I kind of just put this "trans" business in the back of my head. Like, I was like, "Oh I was just gay, that's why I felt like that. But now that I'm open about liking dudes it'll go away" and for a while I guess it did. I got to express a more feminine side of myself in the bedroom and stuff and I liked fitting in at least a little more with girls (what little I interacted with, mostly my bf's friends)

Then it just occurred to me that it didn't really go away. I see girls and gay guys acting all "omg girl! he's so blah blah blah..." and it makes me jealous, like I want to be a part of that, but its just not who I am. When I'm with friends and stuff I don't feel like I'm "hiding my true self" or anything, yet I have this powerful desire to be more feminine. Its really confusing. I just wanna be myself, but I feel like I don't even know who I am, like I'm two people in one and both can never be happy...

If I had the ability to magically be a girl, no money, time, surgery, anything, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I don't think its worth it to me though personally given the current process and results of transition. I'm not really "uncomfortable" as a man, I just have a desire along side it to be feminine, which never gets expressed.

So I don't really have the means to start it yet, but I've gotten interested in drag. It seemed like a good way to express the feminine side that's been trying to get out without really having to change myself in daily life. We'll see how well that turns out in practice.

Anyway, from what I understand, transgender is a big umbrella term that covers cross-dressers, drag queens, bi-gender, drag kings, gender queers, and transsexuals. Only one of those groups actually is a group that is associated with the transition process, so I guess when you ask if you sound trans its a bit of an ambiguous question.

I would say you probably at least fit into one of the many transgender levels. If you are asking if hormone therapy and all that jazz is right for you, well I can't help you there. People can give you advice but I think that's something only you know.

Sorry for going on so much about myself. I hope it helped.

FatefulEnvy · Sep 12, 2011

Hey Nameless Zombie, let me see if I can be of some help since I consider myself transgender (I haven't gone through surgery and therepy yet). I have been doing alot of research on the differences between transgender, transsexual, and cross-dressers for a while now and hope this can give you some direction. Do you feel wrong or discusted by your body or even your "private area"? Obiviously you said you don't like your breasts so I guess that answers one question. See, gender identity and sexual orientation are not the same thing, I mean I feel I am female but I like women a bit more then men. You also said alot about your childhood and being more boyish. In my opinion, you are leaning a bit more towards trans but you obviously know that could mean you're a tomboy too. However, trans people tend to be bullied for being who they are so overall, you could very well be (but what I say shouldn't be taken as absolute). I recommend you take this online test called The COGIATI which is on the transsexual.org site I believe. It will give you an idea of where you stand and will provide advice on where you should go from there. I hope this helps

I can't figure out whether I'm trans or not?

NamelessZombies
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J Snow
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FatefulEnvy
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I can't figure out whether I'm trans or not?

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