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I can’t ever come out to my boyfriend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by poohbearxo, Oct 19, 2020.

  1. poohbearxo

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    I’m in a long term relationship with my boyfriend of 6 years, and for the past 10 years I’ve known I’m bisexual, but no one knows.

    I am 100% certain, but I would commit suicide maybe if my boyfriend or family ever found out. I absolutely would dread his disgusted and disappointed response, and I would hate for him to look at me differently, the same with my family. I wish I came out to everyone years ago, but it’s too late to go back. I’ve chosen to keep this part of my life a secret, but it sometimes makes me really sad. I genuinely would kill myself before anyone found out, I’m that ashamed of myself.

    My family have all expressed their opinion on homosexuality and bisexuality- that it’s disgusting, a mental illness, parallel to pedophiles etc. There is no way I could ever let them know. Same goes with my boyfriend.

    I just want somewhere to vent. Part of me wishes I could have the experience of being with a girl just once, but I know I’ve made a choice. There is a girl I have a huge crush on at my uni, and I am so shy around her, she is so beautiful and I always fantasies about her, but I can never have her. God, she’s so perfect. I feel so guilty when I think about my bisexuality because I know I’m keeping a secret from my boyfriend, but simultaneously I would die if he ever found out. :frowning2:
     
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  2. QuietPeace

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    I am so sorry that you feel you have to keep this hidden about yourself. I wish that everyone were able to be safe, honest and open about themselves. I hope that it helps to talk about it here.

    For myself, I found that I am happier living as the real me, even though it meant losing family. In my opinion family or friends that cannot accept us for who we really are do not really care about us anyway and we are better off without them. How you choose to live though is up to you.
     
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  3. BiGemini87

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    Please never do anything like that; there is nothing shameful in your orientation, nothing shameful about being who and what you are and it's certainly no reason to lose your life. Has your boyfriend expressed the same views as your family? I wasn't clear on that part of your post, but if so, I'm going to be frank: If the person who supposedly loves you cannot accept that part of you, then 1) Do they really love you? and 2) Are they worth being with?

    If it's unsafe for you to come out, then definitely don't until you're in a situation where your safety and well-being aren't in question. You shouldn't have to live in fear for something as simple as your orientation, but unfortunately we do not live in an ideal world. But if your safety isn't in question and the day comes where you can no longer carry this burden, then I hope you're able to come out. I hope you're able to be the real you, without fear of other's opinions.

    You deserve better than to remain in fear and closeted.
     
    #3 BiGemini87, Oct 20, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2020
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  4. Jakebusman

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    So sorry what your going through you can always vent here
     
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  5. AimLew

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    Darling, I’m so sorry you feel this way and you are definitely in the correct place.

    There is nothing at all shameful with your sexual orientation. You are who you are and that’s such a beautiful thing as hard as it seems. Please always remember that it’s the MINORITY of the world who think of this community as DIFFERENT and you know what, we ARE different! We’re bloody awesome!

    Forgive me if I’m wrong (you may be a mature student) but from you saying you’re at Uni suggests to me you’re fairly young. You have you’re whole life ahead of you, so many positive things to look forward to in life and you know, 10 years ago, I never thought I’d be where I am today.

    Gay and out to some. I always thought nobody would ever know about my sexuality. Times change honey, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You should LOVE you & your family & boyfriend should too!

    I hope you find all of the support and love you need here on EC! This community is here for you!

    Lots of Love

    Amz ❤️
     
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  6. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @kellyyyy,

    I’m really sorry to read about how you’re feeling and what you’re going through.

    There’s quite a lot to unpick in your post, so I’ll start by repeating what’s been said above; there is no shame in being bisexual. Society teaches us that being heterosexual is “normal” and combined with similar message from family, it’s unsurprising that you are feeling shame about your sexuality. This is not uncommon and it is not your fault. Therapy can be a good way to work through therapy. Do you think this is something that you could consider? It would give you a confidential and safe space to talk about how you are feeling. Your family and your boyfriend would not need to know why you were having therapy.

    Secondly, you haven’t made any choices that cannot be undone. We don’t have to stay with the first person we have a long term relationship with. I was six years into a heterosexual relationship when I started questioning my sexuality. We ex and I also have a daughter. It wasn’t easy, but I found a way out of that situation. My ex was abusive, and like you, it wasn’t safe for me to tell him about my sexuality, so I didn’t. I made a plan to leave and I left whilst he was out at work. It was the best decision that I ever made. There are support services out there to help and if you feel they would be relevant, I would be happy to signpost you to them.

    Finally, are you happy in your relationship? Regardless of your sexuality, you shouldn’t stay if you are unhappy. Is this really the person you want to spend your life with? I think you are worth a lot more than that. As I’ve said above, you don’t need to come out in order to leave him. Separate your relationship from your sexuality and consider whether it is really what you want. If it’s not safe, then you don’t need to tell your family either. A good therapist will be able to support you in navigating your way through all of this.

    Keep posting here and take care. :slight_smile:
     
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  7. LizzieRose

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    Babe, I definitely relate to the fear you're experiencing. Have you ever talked to your boyfriend's regarding his views on the LGBTQ community. Has he ever said something to make you feel unsafe coming out? 6 years is a long time, you build a lot of trust and security being with someone for that long. Why not take the risk and tell him? I don't know how to properly advise the suicidal ideation you mentioned, that should be taken lightly, I would definitely talk to a counselor before making any sort of decision (to protect yourself; not anyone else). Coming out is about you, it's about finally living in your truth...and it's uncomfortable sometimes, especially when the people you love don't accept it or like it. I told my now ex boyfriend earlier this year that I was bisexual (we were 6 months in) and he reacted horribly. Not to scare you or steer you away from your decision (it's just what happened). He was extremely insecure about it, he thought I was gonna cheat on him, leave him for a girl. And he pretty much said he would never be able to accept it (this was coming from a liberal guy so...) My point being, you'll never really be able to know how someone's going react to this news. As long as you're in a position of safety and independence from the individual you're coming out to, I would tell them. I would tell them, then rather live in denial about who I am; and know deep down that if they actually knew the real me...they would hate it. I would rather be alone then put up with that psychological burden. But again; this is all your decision, no one can tell you when or how to come out, this is your truth. Just please be safe, and know that you're loved <3
     
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  8. quebec

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    kellyyyy.....I think that I can understand a little of how you feel. When I finally accepted that I was and always had been gay, I said that I would never come out to my family or friends. Several times I posted here on Empty Closets that I would take that secret to my grave. The two things that helped me so very much were the wonderful people here on EC and an incredible therapist. You've made the first contact by posting here and we will all do our very best to be a support for you...and a shoulder to vent/cry on when needed! So...do you think that you can make arrangements to find a therapist to talk to? I know that when I told my wife that I really needed to talk to someone about things that were causing me problems, she wanted to know what those things were. I had just retired from a job that I loved because of health, so that became my reason. You may need to consider how to answer that question before you tell anyone that you're thinking about seeing a therapist. I also know that some people shy away from seeing a therapist as it infers that they can not handle their problems on their own. We rarely hesitate to see a doctor when we're ill, so why should we hesitate to see a therapist when we're having emotional problems that we can't work out on our own? Take some time and check to see if a potential therapist lists working with the LGBTQ+ Community as one of his areas of practice. If there is an LGBTQ+ support center anywhere near where you live, they sometimes have therapists/counselors on staff that could also be helpful to you. Remember that you are a part of our LGBTQ+ Family and we do care! Please keep us updated on how this works out for you.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  9. SGee

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    Being gay or bisexual is completely normal- something I have finally realized after all these years of suppressing it. And a lot of people who say they are against it are actually for it- but afraid to admit it.
     
  10. Rin311

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    I think, before coming out and wondering how you boyfriend would react, it would be a good idea to look at the way you see yourself. Reading your post, I feel that you carry a lot of shame about being bisexual. Long before coming out to others, we need to come out to ourselves, and accept who we are. Accept that we are not flawed or shameful. It takes time - I'm still working on that myself - and it doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't come out, but it is a critical part of this journey. Take care.