I Came Out

I'm not sure how to preface this. I'm not even really sure what I want to say, entirely, and this decision wasn't exactly made after a long period of deliberation. It was more about seeing how the granular changes I've made and the people I've told have lead me to a crossroads.

Either I sit in the closet for another year, or I just open the sluice and start taking the steps I want to instead of living in limbo. Everyone at work already knows and last week I came out to my family and friends on social media. I know most of them probably didn't see it at all, but the information is now just hanging out there, all pink and naked, for everyone to see.

In other words, the people I was "afraid" to have find out I no longer care enough about to let their judgments dissuade me. I'm still dealing with my weight and struggling with alcoholism, though I'm also still losing weight and I'm drinking less than I was.

Both of those things were being exacerbated by being in the closet anyway, so I think this is the right choice all around. I painted my nails last night and wore the polish into work. I've also put my time and practice into my voice and mannerisms, even at the expo counter, where all of this small, Trump-loving Indiana town who cares to can see me.

Starting next month, I plan to start wearing make-up to work as well. Nothing too ostentatious, at least not at first, just enough to set the precedent. On my next day off, I'm buying a bra and some panties at Wal-Mart, which I will wear under my clothes in public, and maybe something else I can wear when I'm alone (a skirt or maybe some cute pajamas, something for me).

Okay, now I am indulging in a bit of my own excitement at the prospect of these new elements in my life, however the prime reason behind this decision was simply that I couldn't stay hidden anymore, and not just for my own sake.

Transpeople are flatly under attack in the West, and frankly the East isn't too keen on us either. Trans-youths especially are being alienated, isolated, and litigated into oblivion. The message Ohio has sent to us is that we're so disgusting, they'd rather let random strangers grope children just to be sure than to have one of us among them in secret, and that's not even one of the more recent examples.

Someone has to be out there, countering that narrative. As many of us as possible, actually. Literally, every boot that can hit the ground needs to deploy; the enemy has shown itself and its target is evidently children. If all I can do is be the one who gets shoved in the thresher in place of some innocent transgirl who just wants to play soccer with her friends at school, so be it.

Because I'm not just coming out so I can finally find some peace and happiness in a life that has been largely marked by despair, tragedy, and shame. I'm coming out in defiance of those who want to do anything they can to keep me and those like me here.

I'm not afraid of them anymore, and the very nanosecond I can strike back against the monsters who are trying to drive us into the arms of death by any means, I'm taking it. I don't know or care what form it takes, I intend to be ready, and I intend to look stunning while I do.

I'll keep updates here from time to time, as long as people are interested, and I'm sure I'll comment on and even make a few more threads about challenges and growing pains, though I've spoken my peace, or at least as much of it as I can think to right now.

Regardless, I hope all of you stay safe out there, and I hope someday soon you can join me. Partially because we need you, all of us, but mostly because I think we all deserve to be happy, and there's nothing happy about pretending to be something you already know for certain that you aren't.

 

You are such a sweetheart, thank you so much for all your time and support, honey! I'm insanely proud to know you as a friend; you always say something to make me smile ^_^

 

It's been a while since I posted an update for a variety of reasons. Chiefly, it's been slow going, and I've not made hugely radical changes to my life. Some has been personal setbacks, though I won't deny my trepidation has grown since I quite by accident took a peek at Twitter and found the main feed clogged to brim with transphobia.

Needless to say, that's not good, especially since I live in Trumplandia. Also not good that I've been congratulating myself with alcohol, to excess. A series of recent personal events have altered that, I believe after tonight indefinitely. A few days ago, I made a commitment to quit drinking to someone very important to me. Since then, things have only been getting better.

Until today, when I was passed over at work for a promotion, again, and found out in a way that indicated to me that my feelings on the matter had never even been considered from the beginning. I should've known by now, given their propensity for fuckery of the most passive kind.

I guess I kept trying because I don't mind the work, and it was easy to get complacent when all you think about is the next drink. The job gets a bit taxing, but I liked it well enough. The pay is beneath my worth, and I am given fewer hours than I deserve, however, and it's always been like that for the past 7 or so months. My shortcomings as an alcoholic are not something I ignore, mind, but hard work shouldn't be ignored either.

So, having come to a head, I came home - about three full days sober - wanting to drink so badly that I was emotionally exhausted. I did something though; instead of going to the liquor store, I walked back "home" (shitty hotel room) and I called my mom. We talked and I told her everything I'd been keeping in for a month.

She cried. I wanted to, but couldn't. Mind was too busy looking for a reason to drink. I love my mom very deeply; knowing now I've always been her daughter, there's so much we missed out on, and I can't wait to make up for. I couldn't promise her anything, save that I would try not to give in.

Then I told my best friend and little brother, someone who is also on here frequently and may identify themselves if they so choose. We spoke, I got upset and angry because they weren't letting me make excuses, then a curious thing happened. I didn't want to walk down to the liquor store anymore.

I still wanted to drink, but I didn't want to walk down there. It sounded like no fun. So I went inside. And now I'm ordering a pizza.

Tomorrow, I work from 10-7. My reward for staying sober after getting out that night is going to be painting my nails again. I liked that, and the girls at work complimented them, and they were a nice reminder to be myself and stop hiding for other people's expectations.

I feel better about myself having climbed this hill than I would've if I'd drank myself numb. I feel like I can do this, and now my mind understands at least one avenue to making that craving stop.

I can't wait for tomorrow, in a way, though. I'm going to kick ass at work, on what will no doubt be a massively busy day, and make them all feel stupid for overlooking me. Then I'm going to find a new job, give them my two weeks, and use those final days to show them every ounce of work they could've had, while butchering them with nothing but patience, kindness, and mercy.

I guess this turned into more of a public journal entry than my stories from the trenches, but the two are entwined anymore. I'm - by necessity - an open book. We're on the slab, culturally, and I know that means I'll be dissected by people, one way or the other, so I might as well do it myself.

I love you all, if you've read this gobbledygook, and I hope you're all doing well as can be. Stay tuned, I promise there's a ride ahead.

 

I've come to an unfortunate crossroads, hence my absence.

I've kept sober, true to my word, and I intend to do so, but I realize the situation at work is getting bad. A lot of people are dissatisfied, and leaving, and I'm frankly one of them, though it's made things even more stressful than usual.

Also, with sobriety, has come a period of physical recovery, where my metabolism and circadian rhythm and all the other secondary and primary functions alcohol was inhibiting are coming back to a regular function, and it's left me rather depressed and either sleeping way too much or way too little, because I'm endlessly scrolling YouTube.

I wake up tired either way, but I'm focused more than ever on who I want to be, and I realize my current environment is absolutely inhibiting that person from flourishing. I need to move on.

Here's the rub; if I'm going to get a new job, out as I may wish to be, there is a reality to my legal name and therefore must be a period of adjustment. I am not foolish enough to think the polarity of popular opinion of us, especially in the region, won't factor into the consideration I am given for any position.

Basically, If I want a new one, qualified as I may be, I'm going to have to "stealth" a bit. I'm not lying about it to anyone. But if nobody asks, nobody's going to find out. Not for a while. I'm glad I'm a good interview, awkward as I can be.

Once I prove myself useful, I'm going to ask to be called Lydia again. For now, my deadname is going to have to do. I've made my peace with it, and - while it's never been difficult to hear, per se - I'm increasingly only hearing that from people I dislike, so it's grown a bit of an unintentional stigma.

Ultimately, I'll still have wait to see where life takes me, but I'm out of this nightmare hotel before 2024, no question, and out of this town by 2025.

On a vastly more personal note, I know we need to be seen. But I can't walk around with a target on my back right now either.

I feel some measure of shame at this contradiction, and honestly a bit like a failure, but I think being distant from the communities that support me is fueling my depression and regret more than I'd care to admit to myself. Also, failing doesn't mean losing. You lose when you give up.

I love you all, either way. I hope you're all well and I will do my best to be more active in this community that has given me so much support. Please be safe, and remember that you are both loved and needed, and respond to this life accordingly.