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I came out to my mom a week ago, she didn't react well and said really hurtful things

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by BelieveinLove94, Jan 1, 2017.

  1. BelieveinLove94

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    A week ago, my mom point blank sat down and asked me if I was gay for the tenth time. I decided it was time to tell her. She told me that she loves me but she thinks this is a choice and not something I was born with. She then cried for two hours straight and I didn't know how to help her. She told me my eighty year old great aunt will never accept me but if I don't tell the family that I'm gay, then she will. She blamed herself saying it's her fault I'm screwed up. She's said I need to go back to church and get on Gods path. She then said she would tell my great aunt just so she would give me a firm talking too. She told me that if this was the life I was going to live, then she was going to put me to my entire family whether I was ready or not and she told me that while they act like they accept gay people, they will make me the outcast of the family . This was extremely hurtful because I'm actually very close to my family. I feel like she told me all of this just so I would say I'm straight. She's also putting blame on my best friend who is bisexual by saying that she "made me turn gay."

    The next morning i went downstairs to get coffee and she's barely spoke to me, not unless she had to which she had to borrow my charger so that's the only thing she's said to me. I didn't even know what to say to her. She said she's glad I told her but then she said so much hurtful things. I'm feeling very alone right now. I just don't know what to think.

    So two days went by and she didn't say anything about it. Then Friday morning, she brings up the fact that I'm gay again. She basically told me that she didn't know where I learned that there was an option between dating a man or dating a woman but dating a woman isn't an option. She told me that I need to put the thought of men and only men in my head and force myself to only like men. She also told me that if my grandmother were still alive, she would be disgusted by me. My grandmother and I were best friends so she knew saying that would kill me. She then gave me a lecture about how God made women to be with men, not women to be with women. She ended to conversation by saying by not telling her I was gay sooner, I've been lying to her and it's a huge character flaw on my part. I didn't tell her I was gay sooner because this is the reaction I was afraid of. Oh and she also said while she fully supports her gay friends, she can't accept her child being gay because it is unacceptable. She then told me to force an attraction towards men.

    After that, I made the decision not to come out to my dad. My parents are divorced and my dad disowned his own brother before I was born because he was gay. I thought my mom would be more accepting because she has friends who are gay and she seemed very supportive but not with me. I was hoping I would at least have one parent that accepted me but after how my mom has treated me because I'm gay, I'm definitely not telling my dad.

    So then Friday evening, things got weird. After she said all of those hurtful things, she came up to my room and said "are you ok? I haven't seen you all day?" I just gave her a half smile and said, "I'll be ok." Then she said, "The dog and I are watching Christmas movies downstairs, come watch them with us." I just said "ok" but it was just weird. I watched a movie with her and everything seemed fine.

    Then, yesterday morning, she told me the night before since we're having a New Year's Eve party at our house, she would have to get me up early to help her clean the house. I woke up at 10:00 and went downstairs and said to mom, "I thought you were going to get me up early this morning, normally you would have." She smiled at me and said, "I know but I came in at 7:00 and you were in a deep sleep so I figured I would let you sleep in. How'd you sleep?" Then we started talking and laughing as if everything was normal. Maybe after I stayed in my room unless I needed food, she realized that she hurt me. So I thought everything was fine, then last night happened.

    After her actions last night, I think she thinks this is just a phase and that I will one day like men. We went to this New Years party at a local restaurant. My mom kept pointing out every guy in the room and asked me what I thought of him. I just kept giving her a look and didn't respond. Then she pulled our waiter over and started asking him very personal questions like how old he was and how long he has lived in this town. He revealed his age and when he walked off, my mom looks at me and said, "He's only fourteen years older than you and I think he thinks you're cute." I told her he was too old for me and she said, "My best friend married a man sixteen years older than her." Then she started saying that he looked like Justin Timberlake (The only male I've ever had a crush on. Now I realize I was never sexually attracted to him, I was attracted to his personality.) I just looked at her and said, "Eh, I don't really see it.) Then she went to the restroom and when she came back, the waiter came out a few minutes later and wouldn't stop touching my back or my shoulders. I will give the benefit of the doubt and say there was a live band so maybe I didn't hear him so he was trying to get my attention to ask if there was anything I needed but he hadn't done that the whole night, then all of a sudden mom gets up to use the restroom and he comes out and starts touching me, I don't know, it was weird. Anyway, I think my mom thinks this is just a phase and that I'll one day like men.

    I really don't know how to think or feel. Why would you ask your child if they are gay then when they tell you, you freak out? I love my mom but the way she has acted to me being a lesbian has hurt so much. She once told me that if I told her I was gay then she would get therapy to help her come to grips with it. Now she's telling me I'm the one that needs to change.
     
  2. Zaidi

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    Re: I came out to my mom a week ago, she didn't react well and said really hurtful th

    Ohh that's so sad But I think you can still get away with it, don't lose hope. If your mother really thinks that it's just a phase, then make her believe IT IS and pretend that you are attracted to guys. Not right now, after a while, when everything cools down. Start pretending to be attracted to guys and have one of your guy friends pretending to be your boyfriend and introduce him to your mother after a while. She will think it's all fine, and you can be the same as you are. There is no need at all to force it and be attracted to guys, you can't do that. I hope you find a way out of this mess, Insha'Allah!
     
  3. xBlackFlowersx

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    Re: I came out to my mom a week ago, she didn't react well and said really hurtful th

    Oh my god (*hug*) this is heartbreaking! I can't believe some mothers can be like that to the one thing in the world they're suppose to love and accept no matter the weather. I know there are lots of families like this but, I could never imagine my own mother saying those things to me. And for her to basically shove men at you like you're suppose to somehow magically find them attractive? If that was my mother I would have smiled and told the waiter "sorry but you don't have tits, ignore my mother.. She just can't get over the fact I don't find males the slightest attractive" then I'd get up and leave. Possibly cut her out of ,h life until she got her act together.

    I know that's easier said then done but, do you have a job? Have you earned enough money to possibly move out of home? Maybe one day she will come around and apologise to you (*hug*)
     
  4. Chip

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    Re: I came out to my mom a week ago, she didn't react well and said really hurtful th

    I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. One thing I can suggest: It likely took you quite a while to accept who you are. And your mom is just now hearing about this, and obviously has a lot of attachment to her religious beliefs. So it's likely going to take her some time to come around. Processing these sorts of losses (the loss of perception of you as straight) takes time and we all go through stages in doing so: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. THe stages aren't totally sequential, and take anywhere from hours to months to process.

    I think that's why she's trying so desperately to get you to change. What you're seeing so far is her denial (in trying to find you a guy to date) and her anger. I think as you give it time, she'll come around. The key is patience.

    I wish you the best. Keep talking about it here. I think doing so will help you vent your feelings and better understand what's going on.
     
  5. IamAdam

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    Re: I came out to my mom a week ago, she didn't react well and said really hurtful th

    I totally agree with Chip here. Your mother surely loves you but it's the religious and social environment also influencing her. She needs time just like probably you did to accept yourself.

    Another idea is to show her that being gay is not a bad thing. Let her see that you are exactly the same as other girls except that you like the body of girls. Try to show her that you can be a true family no matter what! Most likely she'll recover, give her time.

    And in the meantime we're here for you to listen :slight_smile:
     
  6. Bunny45

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    Re: I came out to my mom a week ago, she didn't react well and said really hurtful th

    She loves you but she's being a jerk. I think it might be important to tell her how much the way she is acting is hurting you. She needs to know that the way she acts has consequences on your relationship. Right now even if she disagrees with you she isn't treating you with the respect. You are a grown woman who can make her own decisions. I would suggest talking to her friends who are gay and ask them if there is a good affirming church that they go to. Speak with the minister and if you are comfortable with them ask them to speak with you and your mom in a counseling capacity. That way there is a referee. A councilor could do the same thing, but it you have the option of a religious figure who is a good person that could really help your mom.
     
  7. Rainbowkitten27

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    Re: I came out to my mom a week ago, she didn't react well and said really hurtful th

    I have been stalking this forum for months, not participating, because I really struggle with social anxiety; however, I saw your post and it is almost EXACTLY what I just went through and felt I had to create an account and comment because I wish someone had told me what I am about to tell you.

    First off, your mom sounds like mine: scared. It’s a shame the word “homophobic” has gone the way of “racist” and is used as an offhanded insult to the point it has lost its meaning. To be homophobic is to have an irrational fear. What does your mom fear? For your soul--not society’s treatment of you, not your safety, but that you will end up in a bad place in the afterlife. Although I am still a Christian (gay Christians are some of the most amazing, helpful people I have met on my journey) and am mildly conservative, I have witnessed first-hand the cruelty Christians have caused LGBT people. You should look up the term “moral panic” and you’ll see how religious propaganda is used to justify mistreatment of such an already mistreated minority. They believe telling us we will go to hell is love, not hate because it is saving us. Unfortunately, that is not what gay or questioning people need to hear, especially because it’s not done in a loving way. But it is all rooted in fear. The way your mom treated you was how my mom treated me and it's a shame because it is damaging us personally as well as our relationship with them.

    Sunday, after 5 years of battling my mom, I finally had to lay down my arms. I apologized for getting defensive and told her to ask questions and I would calmly answer them, but I let her know responses like your mom gave: “It’s a lie from the devil,” “You just need to meet the right guy” upset me and are what cause me to get defensive. All day she was doing research and showing me the “propaganda” that I am gay because my dad was abusive and I just need to get counseling to trust men and it’s a choice you can teach your kids not to choose. Maybe you feel like I did: Frozen, more scared than you’ve ever been, feeling like you’re in a dream state and wondering why this is happening to you, if it gets better… I felt very alone and didn’t know what to think too. It hurts and sometimes you may want to give up, but it’s true that “this too shall pass” and YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Here is what I have learned and I hope you can use it:

    Call a truce with your mom. Be calm when you approach her, and if she says things that sting and make you want to lash out, take a deep breath. She can have an opinion, even if it’s untrue. The fact that she is seeking you out and being nice is a good thing! Like I said, she is scared because Christians have done a bad job in helping parents understand gay people. They teach them they are pedophiles and became that way from being molested, etc. So when it’s their own kid who has been raised in church, they don’t know what to do. Give her time and, likewise, tell her you need time too. Don’t let her get family involved! Trust me: the worst thing I did was letting in a bunch of the wrong voices who kept telling me I could “change”. Ask her to give you time. I hate to say it but fib a little if you have to and tell her that in case you’re just confused, you don’t want anyone to know so it doesn’t embarrass you later on if you meet a guy. Not to threaten her, but this is true, tell her if it gets out in church/family circles you are “struggling with same-sex attraction” (using that term is much less scary to religious parents) that you don’t want people to blame her.

    Don’t look at negative Youtube comments, articles, Facebook trending topics--stay out of the homosexuality debate and keep your mind healthy. Don’t listen to or read condemning words. Seek God for yourself, seek out safe places like this. Gay Christian bloggers Kevin Garcia and Matthias Roberts have helped me.

    Finally, I just got out of an 8-month relationship with a man who should have been perfect for me but I couldn’t bring myself to even kiss him because I was forced into it. If you can form meaningful friendships with men but simply don't find their bodies or the thought of sex with them appealing, that is OK! Many straight women can have sex with them but cannot form emotional connections. If you are scared of men or hate them, that may need to be addressed through a trusted counselor, but it doesn’t seem that is the case for you. Guys are awesome and we can love them, but we don't have to make love to them. To force yourself is not fair to either of you and will make you resent them.

    My mom did the therapy thing too! The only therapy you need are safe spaces like this where you can be honest, keep out the wrong or controversial voices, focus on your own mental health. I don’t have everything figured out either so just take it one step at a time. Don’t worry about how to bring a girlfriend home or anything in the future: the first step right now is to get your mom off your back and for you to have some space to figure yourself out. It’s easy to get angry and bitter but the best thing to learn is to forgive people. They don’t know what they are doing and are just as scared and confused. In a twisted way, your mom thinks she is helping you but over time--hopefully not before it’s too late and she’s caused too much pain--she’ll realize she is hurting you. The two of you just need to take it slow and you need to find a support group, even if it’s on here. Hang in there! You’re not alone (*hug*)