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I came out months ago and little has changed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Zulfikar, Oct 19, 2020.

  1. Zulfikar

    Regular Member

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    Hello all, I’m new to ec and would really appreciate some constructive advice. I come from a Caribbean/West Indian Muslim household. Where everyone is very anti-gay, and very religious. A few months ago my parents started questioning a friend that I had, not knowing I was dating him. After a while things got heated over the phone between my mother and I and she asked me if I was gay, I didn’t hold back and I said yes. I felt like I could hear her heart break on the other end of the line. I would out of state at the time and couldn’t make it hone fast enough to give my mom a hug. I came out to my mom and sister at the same time over the phone. Once I got back home, I met my mom and she begged me to tell her I was joking, with tears down her face. She described it as me using a metaphorical knife to stab her. We’ve had a few talks from that point and she had came a long way, she accepted the fact that I’m gay but doesn’t support it. As for my dad, he pretends that nothing ever happened and that Im not gay. It’s been like this for a few months. My parents made me promise to break up with this guy for them and I did. But now I’ve met someone amazing who treats me really well, and I want to be with him but I don’t know how to go about it with my parents. I’ve come out to my parents, second eldest brother and little sister. My oldest brother doesn’t know because he doesn’t live at home anymore. I feel so lost, like I don’t know how to approach anything like this when it comes to my parents. I love them both very much and I hate having them look at me like a disappointment because I’m gay. Any advice and where to go from here would be really helpful.
     
  2. QuietPeace

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    My advice to anyone is to live their life as best for them. My parents were nonaccepting and I tried to live as they wanted me to, it was a disaster for everyone involved. Stick to the relationship that you have which is working. Go ahead and spend time with your family and if they come around to accepting that is great but do not change how you live or who you are for them.

    This is manipulative and abusive. You loving someone does not hurt anyone.
     
  3. Rin311

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    Parental non-acceptance absolutely feels like shit. Unfortunately, there's not much that you can do. They might eventually accept you, or not - but you breaking up with your boyfriend and trying to appease them is not going to change things for the better. You can't help being gay, and you can't control how they feel about it, and nothing you do (denying it, breaking up with your boyfriend, keeping it a secret from the extended family for example) will make it "right", because your actions are not the problem here. They need to come to terms with the fact that their son is gay and find a way to support you. They might get there, or not.

    As people, especially young people, we want and crave our parents' approval, acceptance and support. When they reject a part of us - a part that is innate, and can't be separated from the rest of who we are - it hurts like hell. I hope they come around. In the meantime, until they do... my advice to you is to stay true to who you are. If there's someone you want to date, go for it. The way your parents feel about that is not your fault, nor is it yours to fix. You can't control how they feel, no matter what you do (would not dating this guy make your mother feel better? Maybe for a few days, but the "problem" of you being gay would still be there. And you would feel worse). And not being true to yourself will only hurt more in the long run.

    This is a really difficult situation and I'm sorry you're going through all this. It sucks and you don't deserve it, no one does. Until they calm down, take care of yourself. Surround yourself with accepting and supportive friends, take care of your health and hang in there.
     
  4. quebec

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    Zulfikar.....Hello and a very big welcome to Empty Closets! The first thing that comes to my mind is that it is your life to live, not theirs. They already have their own life and have made their own choices. It's time that you make your choices and live your own life. You don't say anything about your financial status...if you are still financially dependent on your parents, then this situation becomes more difficult. If not, then you are certainly more free to make your own path. I realize that you love your parents but at some point, you need to be able to be who you are which is more than just their son! Remember that you are a part of our LGBTQ+ Family and we do care! Please keep us updated as this situation continues.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag: