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i came out but i dont think its possible to feel lonelier

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by aspiedyke, Aug 4, 2020.

  1. aspiedyke

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    the hotlines are tired of me crying to them night in night out. i've posted this somewhere before but i didn't get much replies, editing it for being brief + clarity

    its my straight neurotypical brother's birthday today he turned 26 and all i can think about is how much of a disappointment i am. he recently proposed to his fiance and he's climbing his job ladder and then theres his lezzo aspie little sister who has never been kissed. the first person i came out to was mum when i was 20 and i thought she'd be okay with it but she made me swear i won't tell my much more homophobic much more angry father and then guilted me over how she won't have kids or a son-in-law. my brother reacted just as frostily to me when i came out to him a few months later. i moved out from my rural neighbourhood to a 13 thousand people town and i'm still as lonely as when i lost touch with my 2.7 friends i made in school due to me deleting fb from how upset i was at everyone being so much more

    i want to be this strong stoic butch who protects wonderful beautiful women and i do this from cutting my hair and picking out dress shirts and trying not to let it hit me when dudes in trucks inevitably yell slurs at me but i'm too autistic for a woman to love me. i can only sustain conversations about my stupid special interests and i can't understand why everyone around me thinks i'm so rude. and my country's mostly DEALT with the 'rona lots of places are opening up but even if i manage to get over the anxiety over the second wave that is going to hit my town soon and my agoraphobia and my sensory issues i immediately regret it and hunch away from the crowds and actions and waste it on my phone waiting to leave like im 13 not 23.

    i want to date men im sick of the logistics thinking of how many women swing that way and even rarer how many will swing my way and i know everyone will be happy and they'll apologise for treating me so badly and icing me out at family gatherings for being the gay cousin but when i try to think about it further it feels as wrong as being with a woman. men wouldn't like dating a butch so i try not to dress like an utter dyke but dresses and skirts and makeup grate on my autism's sensory issues and this inexplicable want to dress like this it shouldn't be hard to get myself into one but every nerve screams and kicks in me

    i was always told it gets better when i come out but i.. i've done it. i told my family i started dressing like it screams to everyone who looks at me im a lesbian i moved away and everything is still so stifling and lonely. i get home from my dead end pen pushing job and eat whatever's in the fridge bc cooking is so tiring and panicking and autism makes me a picky eater then i crawl into bed and bawl about how much i regret everything until i fall asleep. i'm a heavy sleeper and despite doing nothing every night it takes longer and longer that i pass out at 2:30 now despite me being a heavy sleeper. i hate this dripping tap of stress and being a no social skills mistake. i wish i never came out that i could stomach dating men i could get a cure for my aspergers because its why i can't make friends or get past second date
     
  2. eismeister

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    I'm sorry everything is so hard right now. Yes, it's true there is this idea that once one comes out that everything is magically better. This is far from true usually, and I think coming out and getting to a point where you feel like your life is going okay is a process. A process you can't give up on, even though I know its so, so hard.

    I'm also the "gay cousin" so I know how this feels. You have to live your truth, even if it's inconvenient for others. Sadly, this may mean taking a step back from your family. Don't think of coming out as a one-time mistake, but rather a process of acceptance. Easier said than done, I know. But focus on how you feel in your skin as a lesbian, not how they feel about it.

    Finally, I can't speak to the dating bit, but I would say to persevere on it. All of us on here know how it feels like you are swimming in a sea of fish against the current. I see you're in Australia. I don't know if you've seen it, but there is the documentary series called "Love on the Spectrum," and they have featured some LGBTQ+ folks on the show who are looking to date on the spectrum. I can't point to any resources specifically, but they appear to be out there in Australia somewhere in terms of meetups, etc.

    Keep your head up, you did the right thing by coming out. Don't beat yourself up too much, you'll get there :slight_smile:
     
  3. PatrickUK

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    Coming out is part of a much bigger process and it really is a journey, rather than a sprint. Whilst it is true that some people complete the journey fairly quickly, for the majority of us it takes time and it doesn't just end when we say the words "I'm gay". For many, coming out introduces a new set of issues concerning opportunity, identity (as an out member of the LGBT community), relationship and sexual dynamics. It's quite a heady mix that can demand just as much of us as coming out and it's not made any easier if our families are resisting us and making it more difficult to move on.

    As I read your post I noticed a number of comments that are utterly self defeating. For example:

    Whilst all of these comments may be a reflection of your feelings, they are really loaded against you and will drag you further into the hole. Never underestimate the power of the language you use.

    Despite the hostile reaction from your mum and brother you have stood firm and remained true to yourself (so far). You have moved away and stood on your own two feet and even though it's far from perfect it was a big step to take. Give yourself some credit for that, because it's not easy at all. Does it mean you are stuck there now though? No, of course it doesn't. As I pointed out at the beginning, you are on a journey and this is a stepping stone. Although the coronavirus crap makes it more difficult to move on now, you can turn your attention to what the next step might look like. Could it be a move to the city, where the LGBT community is well established and opportunities for integration and dating are much better?

    The idea that retreating into a straight identity will make life easier is crazy and I think you know that, deep down. You can't put a lid on who you really are, and trust me when I say that straight people don't always have a cushy ride free of "logistics".

    Try to channel the energy that you are giving over to anger and resentment in a more positive direction. You have all the tools necessary to do that! It's simply not the case that we come out, find a date and settle down happily ever after. Coming out can be exhausting and we may feel low on energy afterwards, but at some point we need to look forward and ask ourselves what we need to do to realise our dreams and ambitions. Use this time when things are still locked down and difficult to think about the next steps on your journey. It will feel a lot more positive than calling yourself names and getting wound up about your mum and brother. They will have to come round in their own way and own time, but that will only happen if your remain true to yourself.
     
    chicodeoro, HM03 and aspiedyke like this.
  4. silverhalo

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    Hey I'm sorry you are having a tough time at the moment. I totally agree with @PatrickUK you are very down on yourself and that further confirms you negative thoughts on yourself. I know its hard when things seem to be conspiring against you but look at all of the great things you have achieved.
    Have you looked to see if there are any LGBT support groups locally? I mean they may not currently be meeting up but you might still be able to find out information. You could also see if any charities are looking for volunteers, that a great way to try and meet other people. It might not lead to a girlfriend immediately but it might help your confidence.
     
  5. aspiedyke

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    the brain fog’s lifted for a bit so i can type up a reply to this but only for a little

    i searched up love on the spectrum because i keep getting told about it, apparently thats netflix and ive been heavily thinking about cancelling it due to how little i watch it so maybe that’ll sway me. watching most tv gives me a headache one of my favourite games as a teenager got a switch port that ive only been able to buy recently when it went half off and i can play for maybe an hour on good nights when i have a bit of spoons left from coming home and finding something to eat and i cant tell if its from “yeah this is a rocky port” or if screens get to me that much

    i don’t. i don’t know if i want to go to the city. really we live right in the edge of what’s considered this city and its like my family are the only people who haven’t left me even if its this conditional as ive found out way and they’re just doing it because i’m their daughter or sister or whatever. i was meant to go somewhere for my brother’s birthday dinner but i just hid under the covers again feeling like a failure because it tires me too much to go anywhere let alone where i’ll have to eat and socialise. work is already overstimulating enough and its an office job. mum called me around the time it was about to happen that they’re calling it off because her, my brother and his fiance’s suburb are on a hotspot list and they can’t come and she was so pissed over how they weren’t told when booking. i tried to put on an act and pretend i was upset about turning back but it was unconvincing to my ears and to hers, i bet. i feel like i can fix it if i willed myself to but i’m just deluded that distancing myself further is better and easier

    people say straight people still have problems but they feel nothing compared to mine. i’d see the weirdest troublemakers from school flit across my feed back when i still had social media and they looked so beautiful and happy in the relationships they inexplicably got and then there was closeted 19-20 year old me and id scream where! where are you getting all these people it doesnt make sense to me how easy do you have it. i tried coming out but it really didn’t do anything. i didn’t know anything about uni so i havent stepped into a school for five years but that shit still haunts me and riles me up like my family does, i guess. there’s so many thinkpieces and stories about lesbians - not bisexual women, lesbians like me - who turned things around and are happily married to men and i don’t know why i can’t do it they always say to lesbians there’s a chancethey can fall in love with men someday but i can’t fking feel it. i’m told dont get wound up over your mum and brother but thats a lot to ask for when they’re pretty much the only people i talk to. every conversation seems to lead into arguments over i try but i cant because i don’t want to hurt you and nothing new is said and we all feel frustrated as hell and more distant than last interaction like how mum and dad have screaming matches with each other. when they were boyfriend and girlfriend my brother’s fiance used to try to be kind to teenaged me, but i guess she’s understanding now how many wedges i drive in.

    i dont know when i’ll be okay honestly. i was tired of being told when i was closeted you’ll just have to wait until you’re older and you can be happy and now i’m older and again im stuck in this inbetween journey. i’m old enough i should deal with it or at least have some more direction in life rather than one emotionally draining moment to the next but i’m still crying all the time like im an emotionally constipated 15 year old. i used to feel excited and ready to improve myself when i first moved out here but now i can’t particularly care about much that happens day in day out and i was the same friendless loner with the same boring empty job when i came. i don’t want to be a process or a journey or whatever saccharine philosophical things its dressed up i’m sick of seeing it through for this arbitrary light in the tunnel that always shifts itself 50km away every time i get barely close to it. i just want to be there or get off the merry go round
     
  6. silverhalo

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    Hey its good that you are getting your feelings out because keeping them all locked up is rarely positive. Have you considered seeing a therapist to work through your self loathing? I'm sure you have many good qualities, sure you have challenges but at the moment it sounds like you cannot see any positives and when we get into those situations we sometimes need some help to get us out.

    If you find your job overstimulating perhaps you could look at other types of jobs. Just because its an office job doesnt mean it cant be stressful or just not the right job for you, different people do better in different situations.
     
  7. aspiedyke

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    i have no idea how to see a therapist and i feel the whole deal of it is not for me. i can fix this myself i keep saying it i'm just a big baby of an adult who cant handle the fact some people dont like dykes and i should learn how to deal with it. i think of therapy and my brain asks where? how do you get it? fees? what can they help you with? what are you doing there? who are they going to be like? and all that interrogation feels like i'd need a yesr of sleep to even recover a fraction of all the spoons i immediately lost and had to borrow from tomorrow. even on the cant-give-a-shit depression hotlines they ask about are you getting treatment like a professional and they send me into a 10-minute anxiety spiral they have to talk me out of then drop it

    i tried the youth mental health places in my area before headspace i think. and i realised this group was just entirely teenagers who despite how supposedly struggling they were had so much more going for them so much cooler and fun and smart and its the worst feeling to think someone 7 years younger than you is someone you want to be it truly is. and i'm here and i have very little redeeming factors and i was banking and banking spoons so that i'd be energetic there but going around in that icebreaker circle and i could feel my spoons dropping like flies. its, everytime i've tried finding help i always realise how sad and wallowing i am. i know im so stubborn and pitiful. i'll quit posting if you guys think i'm too much since you're all on about how self-defeating i am and all ive brought to the table is more my moping you never asked for.
     
  8. silverhalo

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    It's no time about what we asked for. Nobody has a problem with you posting so don't worry about that. We only comment on your self defeating words because we wish you would be kinder to yourself.
    I know therapy can be daunting and feel like it isn't for you but there are so many different types and it can honestly help almost anyone. Perhaps it is something you can consider some more, of course ultimately the decision is yours.